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| The Port Macquarie boys wanna marry Harry. |
Look out Port Macquarie, the love
bus is headed your way and it’s fully loaded with crazy. Even better, in the
first minute the bus stops to pick up an old contestant who is joining the
Quest For Love™ for the second time. Last week when I heard this news, I
scurried on down to my local Tom Waterhouse betting establishment and placed a
cool $20 on it being JJ. For those invested in this whole sorry story, JJ is the
girl with the personality guys hate (her words, not mine) who got off the bus
in Margaret River for a guy with massive guns. Mr Arms must have gotten to know
JJ, as the bus stops and she jumps on much to the dismay of the new girls. The old girls are happy she is back because
they didn’t get enough time around her the first time to get sick of her shit
personality.
According to our beloved host Nat, Port
Macquarie is home to perfect beaches and natural beauty. Hold on, what did I
just hear? Oh, it was the sound of all that pristine natural beauty dying as
the bus pulled into town. We are also provided with another astonishing insight
into the life of new girl Amy – Port Macquarie is the place she caught her
first fish. Will it be the place she catches her next STI?
Let’s meet the men shall we?
Shahid the vet, hello doctor, and Stu the golf nut. Stu says golf is a lonely
ambition and he wants to find someone to take away the loneliness and a woman
who can swing a golf club. He should probably just stop playing golf and
equilibrium would return. Stu likes Caitlin on first sight, mainly because his
retinas have been burned by her bright orange pants. But Stu, I should let you
know she is a lesbian, so her golf swing is probably good but you’ll be SOL
when it comes to anything else. Magic Man Jess has never met a golfer and picks
Stu for the group date. Girl needs to get out more.
While the new girls are scared of
JJ, JJ is scared of a camel, as Vet Boy takes his group of floozies to the
beach for a camel ride. Plastic Jennifer is worried Shahid will see her arse
crack. She is studying to be a cosmetic nurse, what a shock. JJ attempts to
kick a footy and tells Shahid her best trait is her ball skills. Then personal
trainer Nikki strips down to her bikini and runs into the surf with Vet Boy. A
sure-fire way to a one on one date, partial nudity. Vet Boy also chooses JJ for
a date, presumably for her ball skills.
Over at the golf course, snore.
Stu keeps banging on about how women with a good golf swing are like, so hot,
and such a turn on, because he’s obviously attracted to 60-year-old women who
like a sneaky glass of chardonnay and a cheese platter after a gruelling round
on the greens. And lesbians, because he gets up close and personal with Caitlin
teaching her to putt, then they laugh in a sand bunker. Why do bunkers get all
the fun? New girl Amy says she likes Stu’s dimples and doesn’t want to be a cat
lady. Luckily, Stu likes cat ladies and lesbians as Caitlin and Amy are chosen
for one on one dates.
Vet Boy takes JJ to feed horses,
and uses the word semen quite early on in the date. Horse semen, that is. He
makes her clean a horse’s tail so he can do an ultrasound. She vomits and the
date is over. Vet Boy then goes paddle boarding with Nikki, who makes him do 50
push-ups for a kiss. She delivers once he almost dies on the sand, “good kiss”
he gasps as he tries to get the oxygen flowing again.
Golf Boy and Cat Lady go on a
boat and see a dolphin. Then they do the Kate/Leo Titanic pose at the front of
the boat. Inspired by JJ, I run to the bathroom to vomit. After this, Golf Boy
takes Lesbian Caitlin to a macadamia orchard for no apparent reason. Then they
go swimming and he says she is his kryptonite, while she thinks there is more
to him than just golf. I wouldn’t bet on it, Caitlin.
That night, JJ steps aside to let
Nikki and Shahid bond, as her strict dating rules state no man must use the
word semen before... ever. Both girls like Stu for some reason, and he can’t
decide who he likes because both of their golf swings were pretty average. On
decision day, Nikki is confused, Amy is confused, and to complete the trifecta,
the lesbian is also confused. But we already knew that. Stu is in the bathroom
crying because of his fear of rejection. Cat Lady Amy blames being a Libran for
not being able to make a decision. She must have made it through despite
astrology working against her, as she chooses to get back on the bus. Lesbian
Caitlin stays to work on her golf swing and Stu cries with joy. Nikki also
decides to stay, because she hasn’t heard Shahid say ‘semen’ yet.
Next, the love bus rolls into the
male hotbed of Mount Isa as the Quest For Love™ continues.
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