Episode 3: When Wine Comes To Town

Josh and Ainslie stop to listen to the deafening ticking of her biological clock.

This week on When The Grass Is Greener Comes To Town, we are asked the most pertinent of questions, will romance reign in the Barossa? I don’t want to call it too early, but I highly doubt it.

Our favourite big-teethed lady contestant Abbey is excited to be in Angaston and her plan to score a man involves flashing her pins and being herself. I think that may be the problem. We meet Mindy, who wants to find someone down to earth, in spite of the fact she's a girly girl who refers to herself as Minderella. I wonder if she realises it makes her sound more like someone with special needs than a princess in waiting? Hopeless romantic Monica, aka 50 Shades, thinks she gets lost in a crowd, but her naturally frizzy hair and unkempt eyebrows are looking after her in that regard. 

Suddenly a town crier appears, making beige Shelley want to cry with excitement. My feelings in a similar situation would be more akin to terror, but we are all different. The town crier disappears as swiftly as he appeared and two winemakers are trotted out in front of Team Desperation. Andy is a Barossa local and sixth-generation grape grower, he plays cricket and kisses his enormous dog. Josh has lots of wine and loves cooking. It's hard to find someone in the Barossa because everyone knows everyone, he says. Yes, best to keep in-breeding to a minimum. Nat says she can already feel love in the air and Princess Mary says she is going to put herself out there. Lucky us. 

The group dates involve croquet and wine and the pronunciation of Shiraz. The boys in the know say Shiraaaaahz, darling, and the girls are true-blue bogan saying Shirazz. Teeth plays with her hair, Princess Mary fakes an injury to get attention, Andy fakes sympathy for the cameras. Josh makes his girls whip up a salad with fresh ingredients from the garden. They stop to identify the rare, exotic vegetable known as the spring onion and discover where garlic grows. Not only may these girls find love, they are getting an education in the process, which is clearly needed. 

About this time, 50 Shades starts to have a freak out because she's missing her family and decides to go home. Josh doesn't particularly care and lunch goes on with Ainslie, the old girl trying to be young, and Tash the burlesque dancer vying for his attention. Josh tells her he was born with two left feet. If he actually was, this show would have just gotten interesting. Burlesque doesn't think she's a good dater, which we will never find out because Beige 'magic man' Jess, who doesn't eat lamb, catches Josh's eye and is chosen for a one on one date, as is Cougar Ainslie. Burlesque runs away in tears. 

Andy chooses Minderella and Teeth for one on one dates. He takes Minderella to a shed and makes her put on a apron. Then he makes her do some manual labour and shave wood. Because Andy knows ladies love wood. Then he makes her taste test some port from her birth year. He proceeds to choke and have a coughing fit. Perhaps the ability to drink will present in the seventh generation grape grower. Andy thinks Teeth is fun and takes her on a horse and cart ride. She asks him a lot of annoying questions and persists in sweeping her hair to one side and securing it there, annoying everyone watching. 

Cougar Ainslie is super prepared for a stroll in a vineyard with her big red wedges. Josh then blindfolds her for a wine taste test. Cougar says has never been blindfolded on a first, second or third date. There you go lads, blindfolding etiquette - not before the fourth date. She tastes some cheap goon and Josh's own Shiraaaahz, preferring the goon. I think the goon is the only winner in this situation, as Josh pretends he isn't horrified at the thought of spending another minute with this goon-loving cougar. Beige Jess is intrigued by Josh and he tries to get her to open up as they go rowing. Give up Josh, THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE. He thinks she's holding back but really she's as hollow as an Easter Egg. 

After the dates, Teeth and Minderella go to Andy's house, where he tells Minderella she looks good in the kitchen. Why is he single, do you think? Cougar and Beige go to Josh's house where he makes them pick up cow shit. That's not a euphemism, and the girls say it's the worst day of their lives. They drink more wine to recover. 

A quick update on Tom and Hippie Horsey, who stayed behind on Kangaroo Island to help the mechanic. The good news is her voice hasn't changed, it could chop vegetables at ten feet. They go sand boarding and horse riding and to a beach. He likes her, and tells her, but she just feels she has made a good friend and that's as far as it goes. They 'cheers' to friendship and Tom is glad the nightmare is over. 

It's decision day in the Barossa, and we follow the same formula as in previous episodes. The first three girls get back on the bus leaving Josh alone to drink quality Shiraaaahz in peace. But lucky for Andy, Minderella was impressed with his 1934 values, and decides to stay and see if sparks will fly. Andy reacts by giving her a thumbs up. Honestly, you couldn't make this shit up. 

Next week, the tour of South Australia continues and one man is allegedly keeping a multi-million dollar secret. The suspense is killing me already.

Episode 2: When Love Comes To A Remote Location And The Girls Can't Cope

The pelicans can't wait for the intruders to leave the island. 

On this episode of WLCTT, the big black bus aka BBB gets on the Sealink ferry and floats across to Kangaroo Island as we are promised that tonight, the quest for love gets tougher. Yippee.

We are introduced to more of the girls, including one with woeful eyebrows who says she is just waiting to meet her Mr Darcy. Eyebrows follows this statement by admitting her favourite romance novel of all time is 50 Shades of Grey. It's at about this point I hear a noise in the distance. Yes, it was definitely the faint sound of Jane Austen turning in her grave. 

We get to know single mum Jemma and the cave dweller who left Toadie heartbroken in the last episode again tells us she is looking for her magic man. Rebekah (or as I like to think of her, the poor man's Princess Mary of Denmark) and her ample bosom bounce out of the BBB ready to make an influence, and Abbey's teeth can't wait to get a hold of some of the island's best fare. 

Time to bring out the blokes - Tom the island mechanic, who will give anyone a hand if they break down, and Gav the stonemason who loves adventure. Gav should also be looking for someone who knows what a stonemason is, as these girls clearly have no idea. Renee is relishing being free of Moshe's banana and says she's going for the sick feeling when she's attracted to someone. I think the sick feeling will probably be left to us at home. 50 Shades chooses Tom for her group date because she doesn't want to have to hire a hubby. 

The girls with Tom go to his farm to catch crays, and get up close and personal with some fish heads. Princess Mary gets right in and dirty and claims the island is right up her alley. I can think of other alleys she'd be better suited to, but she continues swimming in Tom's eyes and twitching her head back and forth. 50 Shades stands and chats with the mechanic in the rain, and tells him she'd love to just stop in a paddock and read. The hippie nanny Kelly has also chosen Tom as she reveals she is a horse person. Abort, Tom, ABORT! But it's too late and he chooses hippie horsey and Princess Mary for one on one dates. 

On the other group date, Gav takes his girls to see some rocks. They have to pick them up and ruin their nails much to their horror. I mean, Abbey just had her nails done yesterday Gav, you think you're gonna find a wife pulling shit like this? The girls want him to show them his guns, but he declines and gets to the business of splitting stones. One chick says she has rock in her lipstick, and I'm also happy to confirm she definitely has rocks in her head. The single mum shows some creativity which Gav enjoys but he is a little shocked when she tells him about her son. He covers by saying, "Yeah, cool." Nice one. Jess tells Gav she's looking for her magic man, he's attracted to her at first but then she says she couldn't live on the island. Struck out. Shelley is obsessed with snow and holidays and can't talk about her feelings. Naturally, Gav really likes her and asks her and Jemma to stay for more dates. 

Gav and Shelley go fishing and get attacked by pelicans on their date, she wishes there was no wind. Then Gav blindfolds Jemma and takes her to an art studio where he forces her to teach him to paint. Then she tells him she doesn't want any  more kids, but he does so it's pretty much game over. 

The mechanic takes hippie horsey on a boat to get some oysters, she hates oysters and when he makes her try one she ends up spitting it out. No aphrodisiac effect here. According to Tom, she is the full package. He then meets Princess Mary and takes her on a tour of Kingscote and to the pub, where you can see her g-string hanging out the top of her pants. She asks him about their age difference and he plays it well by saying he'd want someone to focus on their career first and have a family later. 

Before decision day Gav doesn't want the girls to be fooled by the rocks that he's got, and shows them his pet joey and the mechanic and hippie horsey sit by a fire while vegetarian Princess Mary cooks them dinner. Then it's decision time, Gav is left alone as his two girls get back on the bus. I think he's gotten out of that quite well. At least he still has his rocks. Princess Mary gets back on the bus because of course we couldn't get rid of her that easily. Hippie horsey decides she wants to stay with Tom, rendering him reality-TV speechless, wherein he continues to talk for at least another five minutes. 

An update on Arms and JJ: Arms is hot and funny and annoying according to JJ, and he loves annoying her and loves it when she holds his hand. She meets his mum who likes her cheerfulness and thinks they're falling in love. Arms is planning to visit JJ in Melbourne, but he wants her to stay forever as his socks have blown off. He should probably switch brands. 

Next time, on When Gold Diggers Come To Town, the whiners visit the Barossa and meet some winemakers and it looks like 50 Shades of bad eyebrows has a breakdown. Until next week, when the search for love gets more shallow. 

Epidsode 1: When Love Comes To Town

Adam and Moshe realise they've made a huge mistake. 

Move over Tinder, Natalie Gruzlewski is driving around Australia in a big black bus, filled with super-tanned, short-short wearing, horny desperados. The aforementioned women will meet two 'blokes' in each town they stop and will have to make the choice to stay for love, or get back on the bus to loneliness. 

First stop, Margaret River, WA. The local farmers market is where the fresh meat is first paraded out in front of tonight's contenders, Adam and Moshe. One of the main things I love about Nat is she's always offering helpful advice, such as, "Make a good first impression". The girls are feeling competitive, and hippie nanny Kelly is in it to win it, but doesn't think she'll punch anyone. That honour will be left to the viewer, who will want to punch her in the face after a few short segments. 

Adam is a carpenter/surfer who says he is, "honestly looking for the right girl". He's also doing his best job to convince himself joining this car crash wasn't a bad idea. Moshe, who I hope has the last name Pitt, is a laid back lawyer, sort of the post-Lite'n'Easy Toadfish Rebecchi of Margaret River. I'm looking forward to the part where he takes the girls on a group date to Lassiter's. 

Someone makes a cricket analogy, and teams are picked for the group date, then Nat says 'let's hope lightning strikes'. We will hope it strikes something, like JJ's head perhaps. 

On their group date with the debonair Adam, the girls are made to build a chook shed. Adam is clearly not one to pass up the chance of having a few spare sets of hands around. He strips down to his wife beater, exposing his muscular physique, and the already suffocating atmosphere of women in heat is heightened. Hammers and nails are passed around, this scares one lady quite a lot, as she has to work for her supper by hitting a nail into place. It's clear she would like to nail something else. 

Moshe takes his ladies to the local show, a classic Australian date if ever there was one. Two of the girls have to drive themselves. Chivalry is alive and well in Margaret River. They all look and point, "A Ferris wheel!"  I mean, who would have thought? Rebecca, however it is spelled, goes for a one on one walk with Moshe and her head is twitching so much by trying to be flirtatious you'd think she has some kind of problem needing medical attention. Turns out she just wants someone to listen to her, which will be the only option the poor boy has as she doesn't appear to ever stop and draw a breath. 

Meanwhile, the chook shed is taking shape, and the hippie nanny corners Adam and asks him if he likes kids. It's quite an awkward conversation where she tells him she was a nanny in the Bahamas for a year where she looked after kids as a nanny so yeah I did that for a year. Everyone clear on that? Adam shows JJ his tractor, not a euphemism. JJ says every guy she dates ends up hating her personality, and the other girls tell her she is amazing, even though they've only known her two days. I can't wait to see how this goes. 

Back at the sideshows, Jessica is scared of a bull and Moshe wins a big banana that the girls have to share. Sounds like the premise for a home-made sex tape. Girls are chosen for one-on-one dates, Jessica and Renee with Moshe, and Abbey and JJ with Adam's arms. I wonder what his arms will think of JJ's supposedly shit personality. 

Abbey and Arms eventually go surfing, after he puts his wetsuit on backwards. Breed with this one, ladies. Abbey tried to find some shorter shorts to wear to the beach, but they'd all been bought by Kylie Minogue circa her Spinning Around music video. Abbey wants to sun bake, cos, like, it's totally what she does best. 

Moshe waits nonchalantly by a tree for Jessica then takes her to a cave. It doesn't end as sinisterly as it could have, they drink champagne and have a beige conversation where she talks about wanting to meet her Magic Man. He ain't Moshe, I'll give you the hot tip. 

Renee has a cup of tea with her banana and then goes on a picnic in a forest with Pseudo-Toadfish. 'This is amazing' she says as she sees a tree. 

Arms and JJ go to his local pub, a place where he has had good times before. He winks, she makes a bad joke, Nat makes a pithy comment that wasn't very pithy. Arms gets jealous when JJ talks about the guys who hated her. Then he says anyone would 'give their back teeth' to be in his position. I'd give my back teeth to be watching something else. But that would be no fun. 

Decision day arrives, where Toadie makes breakfast in bed for his two girls, and Arms wakes up on the couch then goes for a walk with a stick. Much like his character in Neighbours, Toadie is left stranded as Renee and Jessica get back on the bus. At least he still has his banana. Abbey gets back on the bus too, but JJ decides to stay and see how long it will take Arms to get jealous of the life he had before she came to town. 

The search for love continues on Kangaroo Island, where there may be more than one set of remarkable rocks on display.