Orlando Magic

Those who know me well, and even those merely acquainted with me, know my tolerance level for fuckwits is quite low to non existent. With this in mind and now with the benefit of hindsight, it was likely a poor choice to stay at a two star establishment in our first port of call in Florida. 


Having not slept for two nights in a row, Orlando was on my shitlist before we even got there. Our flight from New York to Orlando was overbooked, so we had to wait until the rest of the plane had boarded to find out if we were to be one of the chosen ones to be given a seat. When we eventually boarded the plane, we were told our pilot was running late because he was, “stuck in traffic”. Now I’m not the most worldly person, but I would have thought the words ‘New York city’ and ‘traffic’ went hand in hand. But obviously some pilots get too cushy having the airways all to themselves, and fail to plan ahead when they once again set foot on solid ground. 


Add to this the longest wait in history for our bags to arrive at baggage claim, then an insufferable transfer in which we had the displeasure of sharing oxygen with six of the most obnoxious New Zealanders ever to roam the planet, and I was about ready to head home. But then I would have missed out on the gem that is the Champion’s World Resort. Its biggest claim to fame was a contemporary shower rod in each room, which was lovely but I’d have preferred a stock standard shower rod in exchange for a toilet that worked and windows that opened. I’d trade all of it for the ‘resort’ to have been staffed with people who knew what they were doing and could do more than one thing at a time without going into meltdown. The $8.99 steak on the resort’s dining room menu should have been a suitable warning of the alternate universe we had unknowingly entered into.


Here’s an actual exchange with one of the staff at the reception desk, who looked like a heavy-set Sonic the Hedgehog with glasses.


Me: “I’d like to book a taxi to take us to meet our bus to go to Kennedy Space Center.”
Sonic: “When do you want it?”
Me: “In about ten minutes if that’s possible.” (The night before we’d asked the lady at the activities desk about taxis etc, and she had said to ring for one ten minutes before we were ready to leave.)
Sonic: “You’re not going to get one in ten minutes.” 
Me: “Well as soon as possible is fine.”


Sonic, huffing and puffing as if it was so implausible someone might want a taxi to take them somewhere, reluctantly rang us a taxi and had great pleasure in telling me it would be at least 20 to 25 minutes before it picked us up. We waited in the lobby for about 15 minutes, when a shuttle bus pulled up, and the driver, who looked and sounded like Cee Lo Green, waddled in. 


Cee Lo: “Transfer for MARTIN, four people!” 


No Martins were coming to claim their ride, so Cee Lo went to ask Sonic where they were. Sonic then proceeded to scream at me: “MISS! IT’S YOUR TAXI. GO WITH YOUR DRIVER.”
Me: “He just yelled out Martin, I didn’t even give you my name.”
Sonic: “IT’S YOUR TAXI. GO AND GET IN YOUR TAXI.” 


Me to Cee Lo: “We aren’t who you’re looking for.” 
Cee Lo: “Yeah, I’m sorry I can’t afford a Ferrari, but that don’t mean I can’t get you there.” 



So in we got with Cee Lo who made a bit of cash on the side taking us where we needed to go. The real Martins eventually showed up too. 

Best Of NYC

“The unique thing about New York is that it is unique.” 

- NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg, Times Square, December 20. 

If I had to describe New York city in one word? Exhausting. Amazing. Inspiring. Busy. Fucking busy. People. People. And more people. One person in particular was Seema, by day working in her dream industry and by night, playing tour guide in her dream city so that we, her dearest friends and probably most favourite people in the world* could soak up as much of the big apple as possible. And soak it up we did. Like the city, I basically didn’t sleep for the entire time we were there. This was in part due to our hotel room being  furnished with what appeared to be the first heater ever installed anywhere on planet earth. It looked old and crusty, but boy did it keep us warm. *Cough* first world problem *cough*. 

The sights

Including but not limited to, visiting the top of the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Christmas tree, the Seinfeld diner, Columbia University, New York Public Library, Times Square, Staten Island, Statue of Liberty, 5th Avenue, Union Square, 9-11 Memorial, Wall Street, Brooklyn Bridge, Meatpacking District, Central Park (including ice skating there on Christmas day),  The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Subway (the transport system not the place that employs sandwich artists. Although as an aside, American Subway’s don’t sell chicken fillet subs. Leaders of the free world I THINK NOT!). 

The food

Was obtained from the Hard Rock Café, a Japanese restaurant and Southern Hospitality (owned by Justin Timberlake) in Hell’s Kitchen, Juniors, Cafeteria in Chelsea, the Brooklyn Diner in Times Square, the Penny Farthing, an awesome Mexican place which sells the best drink ever invented, the Mexican Bulldog, bagels with cream cheese on the upper west side, a home made Christmas feast complete with pumpkin pie, street hot dogs, Magnolia Bakery, Insomnia Cookie, Shake Shack… you get the idea. We ate a lot of food. And it was worth every mouthful. 

Broadway

Million Dollar Quartet - The guy who played Jerry Lee Lewis was a devil on the keys. The music was sensational and all based on a night at Sun Studio where Carl Perkins, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash got together for a jam session.  Ah-mazing. 

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying - This starred Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter, who did a fine job in the lead role. The musical itself was a bit weak, and even weaker was the sight of half the audience leaving before the show finished to wait at the stage door in the hopes of getting a glimpse of or a lock of hair from Dan Rad. Have some self respect ladies, let the boy do the chasing! 

The Lion King - This was beautiful from start to finish. Amazing sets, costumes and music and I got to enjoy it all from the second row. Oh yeah, and Simba grows up to be a bit of alright. 

Other highlights

- Watching NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg give a press conference in Times Square to mark the fact that New York had attracted 50 million tourists in 2011. One thing the mayor is not short of is tickets on himself. And good on him I say. Any man who stops mid-sentence to blow his nose loudly into the microphone when surrounded by about 50 cameras and recording devices will get my vote.** Props also go to the girl dressed as the elf, the silver fox holding the Travelocity gnome and the Rockettes who all stood in the blistering cold waiting for Mr Bloomberg, who was of course, fashionably late. 

- The Staten Island Ferry singer, who was a bit like a New York version of a Shegog. Her iPod was in, and at the top of her lungs she was belting out Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now. 

Lizzy: “That guy singing was interesting.”

Me: “That was a woman.” 

Mayor Bloomberg is right, NYC is unique in many ways, one being that it is unique. And as ridiculous as that sounds there really isn’t any other way to put it. It is a great place to visit and there is never a dull moment. And while I would never be able to live there as I need the occasional rolling hill or rugged coastline in my life, I’d definitely go back for a week here or there to live it up in the big city where dreams are made. 

*She’s never actually specified but I thought in this case I would assume correctly. 

**Australian politicians take note. 

Aloha Hawaii

It all began with a 10 hour plane ride from Sydney to Honolulu. Although if we were to get technical, it actually all began with a one hour drive to Adelaide and a two hour flight from Adelaide to Sydney. Flying with Hawaiian Air was an interesting experience, and let’s face it, anything is better than flying with Tiger, an airline on which my travel companion Lizzy experienced an aircraft fault and has since developed a fear of flying. What better way to cure it, then, than with a five week tour of the United States and ten plane flights varying in length from 35 minutes to ten hours? But I’m getting ahead of myself… 

The flight to Honolulu left Sydney at 9.20pm, which meant we had the pleasure of a ten hour overnight flight on what appeared to be the prototype of the Boeing 767. Unfortunately, we were without the help of our old mate Valium, and therefore had to endure a restless night with only an ill-conceived movie screen/projector system, that produced a shaky picture in the centre of the aircraft even when there was no turbulence, for entertainment. The Hawaiian Airlines staff were extremely pleasant and helpful, and even doled out a hot towel or two to refresh a weary traveller. 

Upon arrival in Hawaii we had the pleasure of being leid, and while waiting for a shuttle to our hotel we met the Kiwi from Karratha. A pleasant fellow, but on hearing that he’d been to Bali 34 times we thought it wise to retreat back into our shells of normality. Perhaps he is a Schapelle groupie. Or Mercedes’ dentist? Either way, it did nothing to dispel the notion that quite a number of Western Australians are marching to their own little tune out there in the desert, all power to them. 

Wandering around near our hotel we stumbled on some markets, and ran into a lovely racist gentleman named Donny. It’s Donny’s job to ride around Waikiki on a bicycle, preying on tourists in an effort to entice them to join his pub crawl and his ‘booze cruise’. When I told him I hadn’t brought my sea sickness tablets and politely declined to jump on a boat with him, he told me not to worry as he would supply the sea sickness tablets, they’d be in the shots of tequila. Well gee Donny, sounds to me like you’ve got yourself the perfect little date rape scenario. 

“Here, have a tequila shot! Don’t worry about that tablet at the bottom of the glass, it’s just a Kwell, not a roofy or anything like that, by the way, are you single?” 

So having potentially dodged a night in accident and emergency, we headed to Pearl Harbor in a shuttle bus so full I was beginning to envy the spaciousness of a sardine tin. Here we encountered many a character, including John, wearer of toe shoes, and his mother and father from Iowa. Mother Iowa had a special interest in our recycling habits in Australia, and on finding out that we do in fact recycle plastic and cardboard etc, she exclaimed, “We’re all interconnected!” several times, before telling us about her “dear friends” in Sweden who also recycle, so, “we’re all interconnected!”. There were some Canadians on our shuttle bus too, and as fate would have it, Mother Iowa’s compost bin was made in… CANADA! “We’re all interconnected!!!!!!”. 

Our hotel was right on Waikiki Beach, which was pretty hard to handle, and the weather was perfect. After two nights here I was so relaxed and refreshed I was ready to go home, but the holiday had to go on. From Honolulu we flew to LA, where on the flight I had the pleasure of sitting next to Brian the marine-biologist-in-training, who after speaking to me is going to investigate the presence of a wholphin (whale/dolphin hybrid) in Hawaii. A few hours in a hotel room and it was onwards to New York city. 

To be continued.