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| Downteeth Abbey's eyes pop out of her head as Nat tells her this entire experience has been a bad dream. |
EXCLUSIVE: The
Love Bus has been seen engulfed in flames as the women slighted in the Quest
For Love™ resorted to pyromania to exact revenge on the
men who promised to love them but went for a surf instead.
With much speculation about which couples
would still be together, the finale of When Love Comes To Town promised to be
just as average as the shows previous. First, though, we had to journey to the
final town, Airlie Beach. Two men were waiting there, one named Kendall (not a
Kardashian) and the other, Doug. I shed many a tear this night as I missed the
beginning of the program, and in doing so missed Doug introducing himself as ‘God
spelled backwards with a little you’. A moment of silence, please. I joined the
love-fest on decision day, where the Old Gal Ainslie rejected Kendall, as did
Tash, who was at oompa-loompa levels of fake tan. Despite being one letter away
from God, Doug wasn’t floating Jen’s boat, which meant we had to wait and find
out if Neighbours Girl Zoe decided to stay for love.
Moving to Sydney, all the girls were reunited
to spill the beans but we were left with more questions than answers. Old Gal
Ainslie said she had been putting unrealistic expectations on herself, but all
the girls love her so that’s a win. Perhaps one of them (pointing at you, Caitlin)
is a suitable match? So did Zoe stay with God? Yes she did, and she lets the ‘L’
word slip (that’s love, for those of you playing at home). They share common
values and everything and Nat thinks they will go the distance, but that could
be the kiss of death.
Husky Renee who hates romance brought
Mitch along, because he’s keen for an adventure. As long as he doesn’t think it’s
going to be a romantic one. We are reunited with some side-hair wearing with
Downteeth Abbey who thinks Leigh is very sexy. They went shopping in Melbourne
so it must be true love. He thinks she is the girl for him. Shelley and Reggie
also got together in Sale, and he says it was as simple as he likes her so he
told her what he thought. Revolutionary.
I know you’ve all been dying to hear how
Princess Mary aka Boobs Rebekah ended up in the quest for love. She got off the
bus for a PE teacher named Sam, and this evening is wearing earrings bigger
than her boobs. According to Princess Mary, they had fun and he taught her how
to play rugby and went on a helicopter ride. But just before the filming of the
finale, he dumped her via text message. Classy. Rebekah shows Nat the text, who
isn’t comfortable reading it, probably because it doesn’t say something like, ‘cheeky
PE teacher Sam tells bubbly Rebekah the spark in their connection is missing’.
What did it say, I hear you ask? Sam moved out of the country and has no
intention of pursuing anything with Rebekah. She broke down in tears and was
shocked, she didn’t see it coming and hoped for a bit more respect.
Nikki the personal trainer is dressed as
a black disco ball, and brings Shahid the vet out. They are excited to be
starting things together which is a lovely way to end the evening. Cue the ‘cheers’
to love, however I’m sure Princess Mary is probably wanting to cheers to something
else.
This is where the show ends, and for a
loyal viewer such as myself it is somewhat of an anticlimax. I get that it had
to be wrapped up quickly because no one is watching this shit, but for those of
us who have been there from the beginning I say this: WE NEED CLOSURE.
Where was Minderella? We need to know how
the fairytale ends. Where was the art teacher with the kid who got off the bus
for the rich cattle farmer/surf teacher? And where was hippy horsey, who used
to bless us with her dulcet tones each episode? I turned to the world wide web
for answers, and got some dramatic pauses after Nat asked the girls in question
inane questions. Long story short, Art Teacher wanted something serious,
Charlie didn’t. Minderella’s man wanted to visit her, she got cold feet. Hippy
Horsey just wants to be friends with everyone; you can never have enough
friends.
There you have it folks, we have been run
through the wringer in the Quest For Love™ and I thank you for accompanying me
on this journey. Until the next reality car-crash, I’m getting back on the bus.
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