Greetings children of the sun, I hope you've made it to this point of July without peril. My apologies for the delay in the sharing of my wisdom, however once you read your predictions for the month ahead I think you'll agree it was worth the wait. And, if not, I suggest you go and read one of those generic horoscopes which could apply to anyone at any time, given how vague and insincere they often sound.
Here is where the quality be.
Yours in astrology,
Astra Nomical
Aries
You awake with a start from a terrible nightmare, Aries. You had dreamt James Blunt retired from music, and simply cannot imagine a world without his shrill voice in it. You write Mr Blunt a letter to this effect, and he responds saying he hadn't thought of giving up music to pursue other interests, but it actually sounds quite liberating. Enjoy living your nightmare!
Taurus
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times Taurus. You are not Batman, and a 2002 Toyota Corolla is not the Batmobile.
Gemini
You suddenly catch on to those labels on packets of nuts that say, 'May contain traces of nuts' and think it is the most hilarious thing you've ever seen. It's not. We've all been there, laughed at that and moved on. "But THEY ARE NUTS!" you proclaim, "of course they'll contain traces of nuts!" Again, Gemini, we get it.
Cancer
Although you are a water sign, Cancer, you've seen enough water in the past month to last a lifetime. All I'm saying is, if you're going to dabble in water sports unprepared, it may not end well. (Just to be clear, I'm inferring you may die, or at the very least, be seriously injured.)
Leo
You visit the optometrist this month, Leo, and how nice it is to see clearly now. You finally understand the song, and can't stop singing one line in particular. "I can see all obstacles in my way." Ha. Hahaha.
Virgo
You'd be we'll suited to living as a cave man or woman Virgo. I can never tell which, though. You'd be we'll advised to see a medical professional.
Libra
There's been something you've wanted to get off your chest for a long time now, hasn't there Libra? But I can tell you, this is not the month for a breast reduction. Try some Botox instead, those crows feet are getting ridiculous.
Scorpio
Good job on putting out the fire, Scorpio. Of course, it would have been better if you hadn't started it in the first place. Next time, leave the cooking to someone who knows what they're doing.
Sagittarius
What is with people trying to sell stuff via Facebook, Sagittarius? Isn't this phenomenon just leading to people who don't like each other in real life ending up with each others crap in their houses? It makes no sense to me, please help me understand!
Capricorn
You're as colourful as a bunch of flowers, brighter than the sun. Your iridescence is somewhat unnerving, actually. This is why you don't have any friends, FYI.
Aquarius
Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn King! Or is that Queen? Well if Catherine would hurry up and have her baby, we'd all be clued in, wouldn't we?
And Pisces, the fish.
You get close enough to the object of your affections this month to find out where you truly stand. The object of your affections calls the cops to report you as a stalker. It's okay Pisces, as far as stalkers go, you had a good run. Better luck next time.
