It's Written In The Stars - Holiday Edition 2013

Hello dear reader, fellow traveller of the universe, wondrous being of light and love. Wait, I'm describing myself.

How have you been, oh precious one? It has been a while, hasn't it? My sincerest apologies. I cannot imagine how you have made it through this treacherous world the past few months without my incredibly accurate cosmic predictions. And if you haven't, well I daresay you won't be reading this anyhow. 

While some refer to it as 'the most wonderful time of the year', I am more wont to think of the holiday season as the three or four days a year we all pretend to be nice to each other, thereby generating false hope there is more to humanity than mass-consumerism, empty promises and Shane Warne's Twitter musings*. 

With that in mind, I've had to reach deep into the recesses of the universe to muster the strength to find the insight you need this festive season. What I've found isn't pretty.

Yours astrologically, 

Astra Nomical

Aries

You have some big decisions to make, Aries, after you find out Santa has you on his naughty list this year. A handy hint - the answer does not lie in the bottom of the tequila bottle. 

Taurus

There is no power in playing a small game, Taurus. Although you're pretty happy with yourself after nailing that elf from Santa's workshop. 

Gemini

Someone in your life keeps trying to prod and probe to find what lies beneath the surface. It's about time you told them there is nothing there, you're simply devoid of thought and emotion. At least you're really good looking, though.

Cancer

Sometimes I wonder how you've made it this far, Cancer. This month you'll continue to astonish everyone when you get a raise. Being unemployed and on social welfare is really starting to pay off, isn't it?

Leo

Life hasn't quite panned out how you thought it would to this point, has it Leo? The good news is everyone loves surprises, so you'll be over the moon when you find out there is in fact a place below rock bottom, and that's where you're headed for quite some time.

Virgo

It isn't polite to turn up your nose at charity, Virgo. Oh, I've just realized that's your normal expression. Perhaps time to look into facial reconstructive surgery... 

Libra

No amount of Christmas movies can get you in the spirit this year, and that's fair enough. Your answer lies in copious amounts of spiked eggnog. Enjoy your visit to the emergency room, Libra. 

Scorpio

When carollers descend upon your personal space this Christmas, try to keep your hands to yourself for a change, Scorpio. I know you haven't had any action for a while, but publically groping an aging carol singer is not the path to true love.  

Sagittarius

You've always believed in miracles, especially Christmas miracles. What really is miraculous, Sagittarius, is that you finally managed to find someone to deal with your incredibly off-putting foot fungus. Best of health to you and yours. 

Capricorn

He's not real. Santa, and the guy on the internet who says he's really interested in making new connections and seeing where a friendship can go. He's what's known as a 'groomer'. Run away now Capricorn. 

Aquarius

While your efforts to master a new instrument are noble, I think the festive season is hard enough without being subjected to you generating sounds more likely to come from a dying cat than a violin, don't you? 

And Pisces, the fish.

Save the Facebook status about how you can't believe it's already Christmas again, it seems like only yesterday you were unwrapping presents and writing exactly the same status last year. Get some new material or many people will cull you from their friends list. That's a promise, not a threat. 

*There isn't anything more to humanity than Shane Warne's twitter musings. In fact, I think his poker updates and Instagram selfies are the meaning of life. 

So You Wanna Be A Shuttle Driver

Wherein I list the attributes you will need to succeed as an airport shuttle driver. 

1. Must speak English. As your second language.

2. Willing to take anyone, anywhere, for the flat rate of between $15 and $20. 

3. Can drive from the airport to downtown, in any city in the world, in 15 minutes or less, regardless of distance or speed limit.

4. Able to cut traffic off at any given moment, changing lanes as often as Taylor Swift changes boyfriends.

5. Will drive in a lane marked 'right lane must turn right', only to fool everyone by speeding up at the last minute as the light turns green, cutting off those drivers who have been waiting patiently in the correct lane to drive straight ahead. 

6. Wears gloves while driving. 

7. Has novelty item hanging from rear-vision mirror (may or may not be fluffy dice). 

8. Vocabulary is diverse and includes a multitude of swear words at the ready for unpredictable bouts of road rage. 

9. Able to make passengers fear for their lives within 30 seconds of starting the vehicle.

10. If shuttle is full, can cram at least three more people in to ensure life for passengers is as uncomfortable as possible. 

It's Written In The Stars - July 2013

Greetings children of the sun, I hope you've made it to this point of July without peril. My apologies for the delay in the sharing of my wisdom, however once you read your predictions for the month ahead I think you'll agree it was worth the wait. And, if not, I suggest you go and read one of those generic horoscopes which could apply to anyone at any time, given how vague and insincere they often sound. 

Here is where the quality be. 

Yours in astrology, 

Astra Nomical

Aries

You awake with a start from a terrible nightmare, Aries. You had dreamt James Blunt retired from music, and simply cannot imagine a world without his shrill voice in it. You write Mr Blunt a letter to this effect, and he responds saying he hadn't thought of giving up music to pursue other interests, but it actually sounds quite liberating. Enjoy living your nightmare! 

Taurus

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times Taurus. You are not Batman, and a 2002 Toyota Corolla is not the Batmobile. 

Gemini

You suddenly catch on to those labels on packets of nuts that say, 'May contain traces of nuts' and think it is the most hilarious thing you've ever seen. It's not. We've all been there, laughed at that and moved on. "But THEY ARE NUTS!" you proclaim, "of course they'll contain traces of nuts!" Again, Gemini, we get it.  

Cancer

Although you are a water sign, Cancer, you've seen enough water in the past month to last a lifetime. All I'm saying is, if you're going to dabble in water sports unprepared, it may not end well. (Just to be clear, I'm inferring you may die, or at the very least, be seriously injured.) 

Leo

You visit the optometrist this month, Leo, and how nice it is to see clearly now. You finally understand the song, and can't stop singing one line in particular. "I can see all obstacles in my way." Ha. Hahaha. 

Virgo

You'd be we'll suited to living as a cave man or woman Virgo. I can never tell which, though. You'd be we'll advised to see a medical professional.

Libra

There's been something you've wanted to get off your chest for a long time now, hasn't there Libra? But I can tell you, this is not the month for a breast reduction. Try some Botox instead, those crows feet are getting ridiculous. 

Scorpio

Good job on putting out the fire, Scorpio. Of course, it would have been better if you hadn't started it in the first place. Next time, leave the cooking to someone who knows what they're doing.

Sagittarius

What is with people trying to sell stuff via Facebook, Sagittarius? Isn't this phenomenon just leading to people who don't like each other in real life ending up with each others crap in their houses? It makes no sense to me, please help me understand! 

Capricorn

You're as colourful as a bunch of flowers, brighter than the sun. Your iridescence is somewhat unnerving, actually. This is why you don't have any friends, FYI.

Aquarius

Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn King! Or is that Queen? Well if Catherine would hurry up and have her baby, we'd all be clued in, wouldn't we? 

And Pisces, the fish.

You get close enough to the object of your affections this month to find out where you truly stand. The object of your affections calls the cops to report you as a stalker. It's okay Pisces, as far as stalkers go, you had a good run. Better luck next time. 

Flood Yeah: Anything Goes

"See that hole in the road? That used to be a bridge, bitches." Mother Nature, 2013

The Trans-Canada highway just outside of Canmore after last week's floods. 

                                     

After being stranded for more than a week, I arrived home, to the Kananaskis Village, today at about 8:30am. I haven't been home for eight days, mainly due to the fact that we got a bit of rain last week which caused some damage. And by 'bit of rain' I mean more than 300mm in about a 24 hour period, and by 'bit of damage' I mean that shit was insane.

While I was fortunate to have been stranded in Canmore, where for the majority of the emergency we had power and running water, those stuck in the village were not so lucky. At about 1:15 this afternoon, the power came back on for the first time in more than a week, at which time screams of joy and excitement could be heard throughout the building. It's the little things in life, ya know? 

Get comfy, because here is what I have learnt during this natural disaster... ANYTHING GOES.

- 'Worst natural disaster in Canadian history' sounds okay, but is it a STATE OF EMERGENCY? Turns out, yes, many states, many emergencies.

- You can wear rain boots with pictures of horses on them, or bejewelled flip flops, and while wearing either be suitably attired for walking through flooded streets.

- Rain jackets for dogs are okay, and really, thank god Canadian Tire still has some in stock. Kudos to whoever ordered that shipment, your timing could not have been more perfect.

         

- The power is out and I can't charge my phone? But how will I get access to everyone's insightful Facebook updates about the floods, because don't you know IT'S STILL RAINING AND I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER?!

- The weather is like, so unpredictable, and I still can't believe this is happening. Like OMG, that hole in the ground totally used to be a road.

- Boiling water for one minute takes so much longer than one minute.

- News channels claiming to have 'extensive flood coverage' are thanking their lucky stars for the invention of smartphones, Twitter, YouTube, the Internet, and the idiots who walk around during a state of emergency filming shit floating down a river. Citizen journalism at its finest.

- 'Extensive flood coverage' is code for 'here's the only ten minutes of flood news we have  (most of which you already know) repeated every ten minutes until we get a picture of a man swimming after his cat'.

- People start following politicians on Twitter for a reason other than to see if they'll say 'fuck' or compare another politician to an animal or something equally as mature.

- After days of not showering, people's natural scents (because let's face it, we've all got them, I like to think mine is lemons) are really just offensive and unpleasant.

 

-You know just how resilient a community is when it is faced with having to bounce back from adversity. Luckily, Albertans are a tough bunch and they'll all pitch in and get things done until all the communities affected are back on their feet. It could take weeks, or even months, before everything is fully functioning again, but we'll get there, come hell or high water.

- I am now an expert at wearing the same clothes and underwear for days on end. I don't need to go home, like, ever.

- There's a road leading in but there ain't one out. You're staying put for a while longer, darlin'. 

                

- Bellinis are the best for soothing the apocalyptic blues.

- It's totally manly to SWIM AFTER A CAT. 

  

Tune

It doesn't get much better than Patty Griffin.
 

The Real Life

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” 

“Real isn't how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. 

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.” 

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” 

“It doesn't happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

- Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit 

It's Written In The Stars - June 2013

We've made it to June, dear ones. But will we make it past June? Your guiding prophecies are below, the rest is up to you.

 

Peace and love,

 

Astra

 

Aries
Someone releases that video of you smoking crack this month, Aries, which causes momentary panic on your behalf. But, as you barely have the skills to cook two minute noodles let alone be the mayor of Toronto or anywhere else, no one gives a shit. Keep on keeping on.

Taurus
You’re celebrating 60 years on the throne this month Taurus. Might be time to go and see a doctor?

Gemini
Sunscreen has a magical quality, by blocking UV rays it means your skin won’t age as quickly, meaning you look youthful for much longer. It’s a shame you’ll need a lot more help than simply sunscreen, Gemini. Perhaps you should stop smoking so much crack with your Aries mate.  

Cancer
Bet you’re wishing you didn’t have so many posters of Amanda Bynes on your wall, Cancer. How does it feel to worship a head case? Not to worry, rest easy knowing you look fabulous in your platinum blonde wig at all of your court dates.

Leo
Trying to smuggle contraband items into a prison wasn’t such a smart idea was it, Leo? I guess you’ll pay for it the hard way, you’ll be very popular on the inside.

Virgo
If you were an aspiring singer with the voice of an angel, and I was a judge on a television talent show, there is no way I, or anyone else, would turn my chair for you Virgo. Bet you wish you weren’t such a bitch in high school now, huh?

Libra
Your life is akin to a plot from a romance novel this month, Libra. But don’t get too excited or aroused. With your level of literacy, you get rather confused with all the synonyms your special friend continues to use for the word ‘penis’.

Scorpio

You like to believe in the good in everybody, Scorpio, but this month you wake up and smell the roses. And they smell quite nice actually, I don’t know why you didn’t stop and smell them sooner.

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, what they say is true. Smoking kills. Fortunately for you, someone will probably kill you before smoking does due to you being one of the most obnoxious people on the planet.

Capricorn
Your cool-factor reaches an all new level this month, as you are left to freeze on a glacier. Good luck with rehab!

Aquarius
If you play with fire, you are bound to get burnt. Aquarius, I wish you luck or bid thee farewell.

And Pisces, the fish.
When lightning strikes the sea, Pisces, why don’t all the fish die? Perhaps stick to dry land this month, don’t want to chance it.

 

Failure Bracelet

Thanks to Gypsy for making me this, to remind me that failure is essential, and can be fun. 

Moose Monday

I present to you a photo of questionable quality, to illustrate an 'only in Canada' moment.

A moose in a parking lot.

Last night, as I was playing tennis for the first time in a bit more than a year, a moose wandered across the court behind us and into the hotel parking lot, which you can see above.

Yes, that is right, moose on tennis court. His footwork could use some improvement, but with any luck he'll hit peak form just in time for Wimbledon.

You're not going to see that at the French Open, folks! Only in Canada, eh?

Big Mac

There was a great big moose, he liked to drink a lot of juice. In Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. 

Berry Good

Did you know Saskatoon was named after the Saskatoon Berry? Of course you did, smarty pants. 

It's also home to this charming place, the Berry Barn, where, if you don't make a reservation, you'll have the pleasure of waiting an hour for a table before being able to tuck in to some signature Saskatoon berry dishes. Totally worth it though, and you can check out the gift shop and berry patch while you wait, as well as a garden nursery which today was having a random garage sale. If you are in dire need of Christmas decorations this early in the year, the Berry Barn is the place to go! 

Diddy Gets Down-ton

So Downton Abbey, one of my favourite shows of all time, gets it's first black cast member, Lord Wolcott. It makes for some compelling viewing!

 

Downton Diddy from Sean Combs

Anniversary

It's flashback Friday for me Today. A year ago, I was in hospital about to undergo surgery to have my gallbladder removed. It was the culmination of a period in my life I'd rather forget, but then I wouldn't be who I am today. 

I can see looking back all of this had to happen for me to make some different choices in my life, and it led me to where I am now, for which I could not be more thankful. 

So here's a throwback to the post I wrote shortly after the ordeal... Here's to new beginnings. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Lap Chole

With the weight of the world on my shoulders, I recently found myself thinking, which organ can my body do without? And before you ask, no, I’m not going to start selling my kidneys on eBay or get caught up in some kind of illegal organ farming operation. Now obviously the heart and lungs are keepers and somewhat essential to survival, so they were out (or in, as it were). But making it to the shortlist was the appendix, my nose (thanks Dad) or my gallbladder. 

I’ve been told the pain that comes from having gallstones is worse than child birth. If this is the case, when the time comes for me to procreate I’ll be able to give birth like a champion. I can’t really describe just how painful gallstone attacks are, all I can say is that morphine is your friend. As are surgeons, anaesthetic drugs and nurses with pain relieving medications. And, when you’re in the public ward of the hospital, after having your gallbladder removed, don’t underestimate the power of earplugs. Those two tiny foam buds were my saviour from a room mate who had had an eye operation but should have technically been admitted to the psych ward. 

I don’t remember a lot about the operation, but I do know I got to wear the loveliest of gowns, I had my abdomen painted with betadine (cheaper than a spray tan ladies), and woke up in recovery to a nurse holding up my gallstones in a specimen jar.  As I was in a drug-induced mind fog at the time, I can’t be 100 per cent certain this ever happened, but to me they looked like cookie crumbs floating in balsamic vinegar. And as tempting as it was, I didn’t keep them. 

After a peaceful night on my own, the real fun began the following day at lunch time when Julie, the heavy breathing old bat, arrived, allegedly bringing with her $8000 worth of cochlear implants and 500 padlocks. Jules had a patch on her eye which would have been better placed over her mouth, and kept harassing the nurses to help her lock up her valuable equipment. The only problem was that despite bringing 500 padlocks, Jules forgot to bring a key to be able to unlock them. Rookie mistake. Already breathing like Darth Vader and talking to herself, Jules really hit peak form about 6pm when the hearing aids were taken off, rendering her completely deaf and half blind. Following this, her conversations with the nurses went something like this: 

“EXCUSE ME! NURSE. NURSE, CAN YOU LEAVE THAT LIGHT ON DOWN THERE?”

Nurse: Only if it doesn’t disturb the other patient in the room.

“WHAT?” 

Nurse: I’ll have to make sure it’s okay with the lady in the other bed. 

“CAN YOU ASK THAT LADY IF THAT LIGHT CAN BE LEFT ON?”

Nurse: Yes it’s okay to leave it on.

“WHAT?”

Capitals don’t really do the decibel levels justice, but you get the picture. The next morning, Jules bailed me up after walking the corridors to tell me about how the bathroom flooded during the night and her socks got wet. She wears two pairs at all times otherwise her foot will have to be amputated (not sure of the medical evidence behind that theory but hey, if you‘re fearful of amputation just whack on another pair of socks and you‘ll be right), but they had to be taken off so they could dry out. She wasn’t sure if what had flooded the bathroom was water or urine, and she hoped her socks weren’t soaked in piss. In my opinion, that really would have been the least of her problems. 

CAN SOMEONE AMPUTATE HER TONGUE PLEASE? 

Lesson from all of this? Don’t be admitted to hospital when there’s a full moon. 

SA Heaps Good

It's a chocolate day, and my brother sent me FruChocs! A little part of home while I'm in the 'skatch. 

The People's Princess

Of all the places I thought I'd ever see Princess Diana's wedding dress, I wouldn't have picked the West Edmonton Mall. But alas, that's where it happened and how the story goes. 

The mall is currently hosting Diana, A Celebration, which you can read more about here.

Along with Diana's wedding dress, the exhibition includes objects and keepsakes from her childhood, jewellery, other dresses and outfits she wore for official engagements, photos, letters and details about her charity work. 

Princess Diana was a remarkable woman whose legacy is still very powerful and will live on for a long time to come. Diana is an amazing example of how one person changed the world and had a profound impact on whoever she came into contact with, and continues to do so now as her collection travels the world.

Smitten

When in Lloydminster, do as the Lloydminsterians do. What that is I'm not entirely sure, so I'm going to assume it's finishing a work meeting and eating at your hotel's classily named restaurant, 'Smitty's'. 

Now I don't know who Smitty is or was, but as a purveyor of fine cuisine, I knew I'd wake to rue the day I walked past a $15.99 steak on a hotel restaurant menu. Therefore, I threw caution to the wind, and hoped I wouldn't later be throwing up the aforementioned steak, and ordered that bad boy pronto.

Usually, you'd have to pay an extra $2 to get a prawn skewer included with your steak, transforming it into more of a surf and turf type arrangement. Tonight however, the stars aligned (Astra didn't foresee this in my last reading) and as a special, the prawn skewer was included FOR FREE. Watch as I run out to buy a lottery ticket. 

And, back.

The meal soon arrived, and it looked like this: 

Colourful, yes, but edible? Time would soon tell. I'm so glad the prawn skewer was free, as I ate one of the little crustaceans and was immediately turned off by the cold and rubbery texture. Strike one Smitty, but never fear the rig workers still love you.

The steak itself wasn't too bad, minus one mouthful where I bit down on a piece of bone and nearly broke a tooth, and the accompanying corn and sweet potato fries were somewhere between hot and delightfully lukewarm. 

Rock on Smitty, see you next time I'm in Lloydminster, which will hopefully either be never, or when I'm at an age too senile to realise it. xoxo

Best friends

Pamela and Keith are getting along like a house on fire. 

The Lion King In Five Minutes

There's something freaky 'bout Rafiki. And this video is definitely worth your time.

Vancouver

Tune

The River

A picture perfect day for a walk along the river.

It's Written In The Stars - May 2013

People often say to me, Astra, where do you find your inspiration? The answer is simple, I say. The human race is a mystery, as complex and profound as a One Direction song. I am an observer of life, a watcher of the watched, a connection between the known and the unknown. Channeling the energy of the cosmos is my gift, and it would be unfair for me to keep that from you. Therefore and hereafter I bequeath to you, mere mortal, your monthly reading.


Aries
You have finally worked out who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop. You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes. 

Taurus
Life is like a campfire in a blizzard for you this month, Taurus. There might be some singing and dancing, but it’s fucking cold and, basically, fairly shit.

Gemini
Your decision to immerse yourself in French culture will soon be something you regret. It should be fairly self-explanatory as to why, Gemini. But if I have to spell it out for you, it sounds a bit like Elmo on steroids. 

Cancer
If only more people celebrated life the way you did, Cancer. The world would be filled with Nickelback tribute bands and even more anti-depressants, if that’s at all possible.

Leo
I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt here Leo, but it’s obvious to everyone. It was you on that episode of Embarrassing Bodies. Hahahahahahaha!

Virgo
We interrupt this broadcast for a community service announcement that has nothing to do with you. Just a usual month then Virgo.

Libra
Your life is like a teabag rocket, Libra. Empty out the contents, set the bag on fire and what do you have? A few seconds of burning heat and, in the end, a whole lot of nothing. Tell you what, perpetuate the illusion of your depth by resisting playing with fire this month. We will all be better off.

Scorpio

The dog you adopted last month is not reacting well to being named Mark. Seriously, Scorpio, if you had any imagination at all the Guinness Book of World Records would turn up to document the occasion.

Sagittarius
It’s official, you are addicted to Instagram and think you are an amazing photographer. It’s only when you start booking photoshoots and your subjects expect more than a shitty filter effect for their $500 that you realise perhaps this photography lark is harder than it first appears.

Capricorn
Congrats Capricorn, you have a new job and are in the mood to party. Be careful though, remember what happened last time you celebrated a new job? Yeah, you turned up to work hungover and vomited on your new boss. History does not need to be repeated in this case.

Aquarius
Now Black Caviar has retired, you feel better about eating the meatballs at Ikea. With her track record, they’re now a delicacy and people are queuing up to get a taste.  

And Pisces, the fish.
You get into a war with someone in the YouTube comments of a Psy video. Yes, Korea has been responsible for some horrors, but it’s no place to get into a heated debate. Why not start an angst-ridden Facebook page instead?

Sunshine

After a lovely (and quite inconvenient) dumping of snow during the past few days, today the sun is shining and the sky is blue. 

And I'll throw in a bit of Matisyahu, too, because you can never have enough sunshine.

Scattergories

I'm not sure what made me think of it, but yesterday I was remembering a couple of different games of Scattergories I've played in the past, and how the game often ends up involving heated debates, mild racism, swearing and of course, much hilarity.

 

There are two such occasions I was pondering, one game with a group of friends, one with family.

 

The first memorable game was played with old friends and some new acquaintances. Now, in this situation, it can be hard to gage what these said-acquaintances will find humorous and what might touch a nerve.  It's fair to say my good friends understand my sense of humour, but I often receive looks of astonishment at some of the things I say, even when they are merely matter-of-fact statements, not meant to offend.

 

So the category was 'Things that are black', and the letter? O. The first thing to come to my mind? Oprah.

 

So I wrote it down, and when it came time to read out our answers and I said it out loud to the group, everyone was a little bit shocked but ended up doing that uncomfortable laughter thing that often happens at a funeral when someone says something inappropriate during a eulogy. So I was feeling slightly on guard, but technically, Oprah is a valid answer to said question. Imagine my delight, then, when another player mentioned they had also written Oprah for that category! No points there.

 

The other game involved my brother, nanna, auntie and cousin. The thing about playing a board game or cards with my nanna is, she is inevitably going to win. The phrase, as cunning as a shit-house rat comes to mind.

Some things are as predictable as the sun coming up in the morning, and nanna jumping and screaming every time the Scattergories buzzer goes off is one of them. So we are about halfway through a game, and the category is body parts, letter G.

 

We all start saying how it was challenging coming up with a body part starting with G, I had written gallbladder, my cousin had written genitals, and then my brother read what he had written. Gunt. (If you don't know what a gunt is, I'm not going to tell you here. Be resourceful, but careful when googling.)

 

Myself, my auntie and my cousin all immediately roared with laughter, mainly because of how inappropriate it was to be talking about gunts in front of my nanna. Nanna, by the way, hadn't heard what my brother had said, so she was sitting there saying, "What's so funny?", which of course, made it even more hilarious.

 

I have a hunch no one in my family will ever win an award for political correctness.

 

 

 

 

Don't Think Big, Think Small

In particular, Heather Small.

A clip from what I call my favourite television show at the moment, Miranda.

Frogs

Ribbit, ribbit, croak
No, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit
Do it my way please

Essence

One of my favourite things at the moment is my Giving Key, which I received last week after ordering online.

 

If you haven't heard of The Giving Keys, they employ people transitioning out of homelessness to engrave recycled keys that get sold and shared. Each key necklace is unique, and carries a message like HOPE, STRENGTH, DREAM or COURAGE. When the person wearing the necklace meets someone they think needs the message on the key, they give it away then tell their story on the Giving Keys website.

I have been working with a life coach for the past two months, and one of the first things we worked on was determining my essence.

Your essence can be described as a way of being. These are the qualities you naturally bring into every room, even when you’re nervous, shy, scared or worried. Those qualities, that way of being, shows up no matter what you do. My coach has written a sweet post about it here, so check it out if you have the time.

It's much harder than you think to simply be in your essence all of the time, so I got a Giving Key engraved with the word 'ESSENCE' to wear and remind me to be wit, connection, warmth, peace and wisdom during the times I fall into my survival mechanisms way of being.

 

I look forward to the day when I no longer need constant reminding of this message, and I can give this key to someone who needs some inspiration to share their essence with the world.

Leave It To Beaver

Things you'd never find while going for a stroll by a river in Australia - a beaver jaw.

A bit random, a bit cool, and quite disgusting.

What A Difference A Day Makes

Just when you maybe think spring has really sprung, this happens.

An Open Letter

Dear room-mate,

I want to thank you for the past six months. During the time we have lived together, you've not only been welcoming and engaging, you've been kind, considerate and basically, perfect.

What do I love about you? I just can’t narrow it down. A stand-out, though, is your radiant smile. When you walk into a room it simply lights up, and your effervescent glow is shared with everyone you encounter. In fact, I would even go so far as to say this smile of yours is something you’re renowned for.

Can we talk for a moment about your popularity? Everywhere I turn I find people singing your praises. I'm genuinely astonished you haven’t yet been given an honorary sainthood. I'm sure it’s only a matter of time. When I think about all the qualities I long to possess, I simply look to you. You are the epitome of grace, humility, love, kindness and generosity of heart and spirit.

I've never heard you speak a bad word about anyone on purpose, and if something happens to slip out by accident, you admonish yourself repeatedly until you finally come to terms with the fact you may actually have a flaw. Never fear my dear, it is minor. 

Something people often overlook is your sense of pride. Never have I met a person so fastidious in maintaining not only their personal appearance, but also their home. It is like I've been living in an advertisement for a display home, in a place always scrubbed clean to within an inch of it's life lest a magazine photographer turn up at the spur of the moment to get pictures for the next edition of House & Home. 

Honestly though, it's the little things I'll miss terribly. Like the way you would always offer to take the garbage out when it got full, or the way you would clean the bathroom without being asked, or all the times you got home in the wee hours of the morning and crept in quiet as a mouse in an effort not to wake me. And then there's the way you would always say hello and ask me how my day was, even if you were struggling yourself.

 

From the bottom of my heart, I say thank you. There hasn't been another like you who has had such a profound impact on my life, and I don't know if there will be again. 

Love,

Belinda

Things I Love - First Edition

Strawberries and oranges

My two favourite fruits at the moment, there’s nothing better than sweet, juicy strawberries and oranges to make you feel good about life. Whatever question you may have, fresh fruit is the answer.

Podcasts

What is a podcast I hear you asking? Basically, it’s a pre-recorded radio show you can download from iTunes and listen to at your convenience on your portable media player or computer. There are many  audio and video podcasts you can subscribe to, from comedy to philosophy, science and current affairs. 

I’ve been listening to so many podcasts lately, I go to talk to my friends in real life about the people in the podcasts as if I’ve been hanging out with them and they are my close friends. Totally normal behaviour if you ask me. Here are a few worth your time and megabytes…

I Love Green Guide Letters

Hosted by Steele Saunders with a plethora of different guests every week, this podcast is a hilarious look at letters to The Melbourne Age’s TV and radio lift out, The Green Guide. Brace yourselves for the ‘Green Guide letter voice’ which has been perfected by Saunders, and if you’re anything like me, after listening on a regular basis, anytime you are reading a letter to the editor or any kind of feedback you’ll do it in THE voice. 

My favourite episode - number 55, starring Sti Sti, Zazzle and the Snake, and anything involving Lawrence Mooney.

Santo, Sam & Ed

Don’t bother watching the news or reading the newspaper anymore, Santo Cilauro, Sam Pang and Ed Kavalee will tell you everything you need to know about the week’s events.  It’s a load of fun, especially as you can hear them about to laugh at their own punch lines before they even happen. Rob Sitch and Tom Gleisner appear frequently as quality supporting cast members, and it’s champagne comedy as usual from the team at Working Dog. 

On Being with Krista Tippett

This podcast is full of thought provoking conversations about meaning, faith, ethics and ideas and the big questions at the centre of human life. There are some really good interviews here, no matter your background or beliefs. There are hours and hours of conversations with some of the world’s best thinkers and leaders in their fields, right at your fingertips and for free. 

Episodes to download - Translating the Dalai Lama, Fr Greg Boyle on gangs, service and kinship, and Brene Brown on vulnerability. 

Also worth your time

Check out The Little Dum Dum Club hosted by Tommy Dassalo and Karl Chandler, and Wil Anderson’s podcast, FOFOP, both full of laughs and special guests. 

Miranda

If you’ve not yet acquainted yourself with Miranda Hart’s sitcom Miranda, you are missing out on SUCH FUN! I recommend you go out right now, off you go, and buy all three seasons on DVD. Then come home and lock yourself in a darkened room and watch every episode back-to-back and over and over until you are what-I-call exhausted from laughter. 

The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

He doesn’t give a shit. 

Rikki, aka Gully

I can only describe this girl as mercurial. She is so animated and lively, you never know what is going to come out of her mouth next, which makes life with Gully around consistently fun and hilarious. I remember the first time I met Gully, she was standing next to me complete with her bombshell hair, and talking about how excited she was to go to a future Justin Bieber concert. The shallow, judgmental part of me automatically thought she was just another little girl who had succumbed to Bieber fever.

How wrong I was. The next minute she was exclaiming how pretty my name was, and posing such pertinent questions as ‘Would you rather have books for hands or hands for books?’. As you ponder that one, let me tell you Gully is a one of a kind type of friend.  Gully’s heart is big and her light is bright, and when she shares her life, with her inimitable style of storytelling and sense of humour, it is impossible not to love her. 

Shuh-share your thoughts, leave a comment below… thanks for reading! 

It's Written In The Stars - April 2013

Hello dear readers, Astra here. I've spent a lot of time and effort on this month's predictions, and I pride myself on my sometimes-stunning accuracy. However, any one of these astrological insights could be applicable to you. If you're not happy with your sign, please read another until you find something that resonates. I'm bound to hit something on the head eventually. If nothing resonates, then clearly you are not taking this precise scientific process seriously, and I'd ask you to please refrain from coming round these parts again. 

Yours astrologically, Astra. xoxo

Aries

All of your sushi boats come in this month, Aries, which is unfortunate because you hate sushi and Japanese food in general. Channel some of the disappointment into educating yourself about different cultures and cuisines and try again next year. 

Taurus

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived someone with the same name as you. He or she lived a peaceful life, spending their days in the fields watching cloud formations and picking sunflowers. Then one day, your namesake died of consumption. Beware history doesn't repeat itself, Taurus. 

Gemini

While in Vegas you go and see Cirque du Soleil's latest show. This inspires you to embark on a career as a clown. The good news is, you've already got the credentials. Keep on being yourself Gemini. 

Cancer

You can breathe easy now Queen Elizabeth II is out of hospital and on the mend from her attack of gastroenteritis. You'd been holding your breath so long your blood was turning blue. It's safe to say your favourite monarch would have been spending a lot of time on the throne that week. 

Leo

You hear Kanye West wants to name his child 'North' and wonder why you continue to live on this earth. North West. Leo, you can only hope North ends up with siblings with names like 'South By South', 'East 2' and John. The first three will form a rap crew and John will be a fisherman. 

Virgo

The good news,Virgo, is you have more money in your bank account than the entire country of Cypress. Unfortunately, that $2.96 still won't get you anywhere.  

Libra

You didn't win an Oscar this awards season Libra, but I can tell you this month you will win big. The biggest lot of nothing you've ever seen. At least you're used to it. 

Scorpio

You adopt a dog from a shelter this month, and feel great about yourself for giving a poor, defenseless  abandoned creature a home and all the love and attention it needs. Be sure to remember your kids once in a while, too, Scorpio.  

Sagittarius 

You become addicted to watching 'My Strange Addiction' and eventually get featured in the show itself for having an addiction to 'My Strange Addiction'. The world stops as it gets caught in this vortex of reality as reality. We really can't cope with much more, Sagittarius. 

Capricorn

Have you ever stopped to wonder what your life might be like if you were popular, rich and successful? As you stand in line for government handouts, don't dwell on it too long. You'll be in that line a while longer yet. 

Aquarius

You take a trip to Ikea for lunch. While you are there, a researcher sits down with you to ask why on earth, out of all the places you could choose to go to lunch, you chose to go to Ikea. Now is the time to admit you got confused when your friend asked you if you wanted some Swedish meatballs. 

And Pisces, the fish.

Rather than spending your waking hours scouring Pinterest for the latest in hair braiding, go outside and get some vitamin D.  I'd much rather look at someone with a healthy glow and messy hair than someone perfectly presented with the pallor of a vampire.