Finding Love Farmer Style

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – the time when love returns to the land, from where it has been missing for so long. Not since the ill-fated Love Bus^TM rolled around Australia transporting a load of desperate and dateless women has a farmer slept in such fear of Channel 9 and Natalie Graksdjfnwaouefnllskdueli knocking on his door and asking him if he’d like to “find love, farmer style”. I’m not exactly sure that would be safe prime-time viewing, but hey, I’m no expert.

Some guys with varying shades of brown hair surround a blonde country singer.

Although they have replaced Nat, it is comforting for long time viewers of Farmer Wants A Wife to know they haven’t replaced the writing team, with a the favourite farmer descriptors of red-hot, adorable and country cutie all dropped before the first commercial break. Just like wearing a favourite pair of slippers, FWAW is back, and I am home. On first viewing, it appears new host Sam is slightly more predatory than Nat, and she is looking the part as she welcomes the farmers after their long, natural and casual walk down a long path to the house. First to arrive is the “Helicopter Hottie”, Matt, who will forevermore be referred to as Chopper, more to do with his teeth than the fact he’s a helicopter pilot. Chopper loves the gym, but really wants to find someone to joyride with for the rest of his life. I’m dying in anticipation for the episode where Matt will confess to one of his girls, “I love you Claire, I love you even more than my chopper.” (McLeod’s Daughters reference, keep up.)

Next to arrive is Adam, here to find the good woman who makes him a good man. She’ll have to get past the Dalmatians first. He’s a dairy farmer, and Sam thinks he’s super cute so the bus full of girls about to pull up might need to watch their backs.

Julz the single dad from South Australia is a big deal at the Tumby Bay Bakery, but so are the pies so I think I’ll start planning a road trip. As he speaks my brain is confused, I think I need subtitles, but I did understand the part where he referred to his daughter as a “great little thing”. She jumped on a trampoline a bit to confirm this fact.

In waltzes Lance, who later in the show will display behaviour akin to grooming – and not the kind of grooming he uses on his horses. This cowboy is a serial hand-holder and is prepared to hold the right ladies’ hand at any time, even in the main street. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is, and I now have my plan for Valentine’s Day. Lance is particular about what he wants in a woman, in the day time she must wear jeans and a shirt with the collar up, but at night time, she should be able to wear a dress and heels. Us gals need a bit of instruction, so the eight lucky ladies he has chosen to meet had better start taking notes.

You know the romantic character women have lusted over for years and years, wondering when their dream man is going to walk from the water, shirt clinging to his effortless abs as he comes to claim you from your life of pride or prejudice? Meet Jedd, aka Mr Darcy in a wetsuit. His soul is tranquil around his oysters, and he’s looking for a cake with icing and sprinkles… delicious. Or greedy, you decide.

Last but definitely not least is everyone’s favourite brother from another reality show, Farmer Lachie. He’s chilling at home with his fluffy white dog after his marriage at first sight didn’t work out, and is back to have another crack. Judging by the reaction of the guys when they realise Lachie has arrived, if the girls don’t work out I’m sure Lance wouldn’t mind taking this bull for a ride.

The girls think farmers have better values and a bit more respect, but I wonder if they’d like to reconsider this as Lance gives his women the once over and says, “Great effort girls”. The speed dates begin and we learn Mr Darcy is not quite as smooth as he could appear, however he has a nice bonding moment with a girl who likes Game of Thrones. He continues to conduct interviews with varying success. Julz wings it and gets given a stubby holder which he is going to use to keep his drinks cold, then talks about shooting and other manly things. Lance gropes his ladies and asks to hold hands with all of his ladies. “Does that excite you?” he asks one, who feigns comfort while trying to remember the phone number for the local police station. Chopper is smiling so much his face might crack, and seems to be looking for a gym buddy. Snore. 101 Dalmatians talks about butchering courses with a girl with a hat on, and all the guys ask the obligatory, “so you’d be okay with living on a farm?”. Just say yes girls, we all saw what happened when Lachie moved to the city.

Cowboy Lance, aka Predator #1, continues to talk about himself in third person and when one of the women asks if he wants a barmaid, he says no, he wants gunslingers and whores. He’s definitely got one of those ticked off. Lachie meets a girl called Belinda who he thinks he has chemistry with… I might be biased but I think she’s the one. I think a few other things happen on the dates but it’s all a bit boring and we just want to get to the good part where four ladies are allowed to escape and four are chosen to go to the farms. The boys make their choices, one of Mr Darcy’s girls decides she’s not his Elizabeth Bennett before he gets a chance to open his mouth, which is made out to be way more dramatic than it actually is. The girls who aren’t chosen show varying degrees of disappointment and relief, although one of Lachie’s girls aka Married At First Sight Wife 2.0 tries to hold back the tears of desperation. All the girls who are chosen think they have found the ‘one’. This is going to be great.

Looking forward to next week, the farmers have to get the girls out of bed early in the morning, LOL, and wrestle in mud and cow shit, and Sam turns up to tell Lance the production team has finally received his criminal history check. It’s all part of the journey to love, Farmer Style^TM.