Farmer Wants A Weekend

All the better to hear you with, my dear.

First off my dear readers, I will offer you an apology for not recapping episode three. Here is a brief summary – each of the hot studs from the land sent a woman they didn’t really care for anyway back to the city. Now that we are up to date, this week all the advertisements promised one of the hottest and steamiest episodes of Farmer Wants To Bump Uglies ever broadcast. I couldn’t wait to see the girls getting up close and personal with steaming piles of animal shit, but once again I have been let down by Sam and her band of merry farmer men. Alas, they all celebrated what is known as The Weekend, Farmer Style^TM. Apparently country boys know how to have fun too. Phew.

Tumby has more to offer than Julz calling a spade a spade, shovels and sheep. They have Segways too. The girls and guy zip around a vineyard like the thrill seekers they are. A beautician fell off and Julz throws down a witch’s hat as an offer of protection. The Beautician and Spade a Spade sit on a bench and feed some birds, I can understand the rosellas more than I can Julz without subtitles. He talks a bit and he could like Beautician but I’m not 100 per cent on that. Spade a Spade and Turkey Farmer Wannabe walk along the jetty and he asks how she feels about him having a child, she reassures him she loves playing barbies and they have a nice big hug.

The ‘Country Cutie’  Adam takes his girls to his favourite weekend destination – cooking school. They make some tortellini and the crazy butcher girl is getting jealous of the other girls he actually likes. They eat the pasta they have cooked and talk about being in love and what love means. Adsy wants to be a 75-year-old man with a wife he misses so much it’s unbearable. He doesn’t say much else but it’s enough for the girls to think he’s the one. Butcher girl then has a cry saying she doesn’t connect with elusive Adam, but she still wants to stay. Adam says he is ‘struggling’ to date three girls, with a giant shit-eating grin on his face.

What does Mr Darcy do on the weekend? He does a spot of photography, or rather one of the girls takes some romantic pictures of him and his dog Greg. I think we can quite confidently say Greg is currently the most interesting thing on this show. He is a wonderful model with an unbeatable zest for life. Can we find Greg a wife? The next stop for the gang is at a winery, and they talk about what they want. The topic of children is brought up subtly, and Samantha who is the most normal girl thinks they’re potential soul mates. I mean, he wants kids, she wants kids… IT’S A MATCH! They go for a walk in the vines, drink some wine and lay on a picnic blanket. He admits he is gutless and could never have asked her out if he came across her in the real world. In Farmer world though, a couple of wines and Mr Darcy may have found his girl, they kiss and pretty much seal the deal right on the blanket.

The work doesn’t stop on Chopper’s patch of land. He gets his sheilas to help unload a cattle truck. He takes the Stripper to his side of the truck to go at it while the other girls take the cattle off the truck… I mean, that could have been what happened, either way, they all got dirty and enjoyed it. In a shocking turn of events, one girl is actually hating her stint as a bonded labourer, but Chopper’s human rights radar is not working to its full potential due to the interference coming from his big white teeth. After a hot morning of work, the crew go to a river and strip down to next to nothing to splash about in the water. Chopper packed a ‘mean picnic’ which the Stripper loved as she stared at him and confessed to the camera how much she loves him already. Chopper has some alone time with his most boring girl, he uses the words ‘defense mechanisms’ as she struggles to form a sentence. It’s the smoothest move yet as those big white teeth lean in to kiss the Boring Giggler, who is more than happy to kiss him back.

Lachie’s ears are almost bigger than his giant head, but not perturbed by his disproportionate features, off he trots with his girls to the races. He invites his best mates who look old enough to be his father. Cousin Stu weighs in on the situation, reassuring the two blondes and a brunette that Leonidas is a good guy. They’ve shared a lot over the years, and that might be about to continue if Stu’s glances at the ladies are anything to go by. Stu is keen on Kelly who has a quick wit and probes Belinda as to whether she has some skeletons in the closet. No wonder Lachie needed to go on Married at First Sight, he can’t make a decision for himself. His panel of experts aren’t being very helpful but give him a few pep talks about how he might tackle the ear issue. The young blonde girl has also realised Lachie Leo’s ears are only going to get bigger with age, so she tells him she is peace-ing out to try and find someone her own age. Lachie Leo rues the loss, as his chance of scoring with a hot young blonde drives off into the yonder.

Old Predator #1 is in his element at a rodeo, the ‘ladies’ meet Cowboy Rob who has known Lance for 25 years, and trains them in the art of closing a gate. Such skills are important for a prospective farmer’s wife. Old Sluzza Lisa can’t wait to have a big wild animal between her legs… not an exact quote but a fairly accurate paraphrase. Some men ride some bulls and the girls are pumped, all except Karen who is clearly hating her life and hoping to be trampled by one of the bucking broncos. Lancey is about to hit rock bottom as Karen writes him a letter with a Sharpie, as clearly normal pens are hard to find in Rockhampton. She tells him she is leaving, and as the final salt in the wound he calls her Kaz and describes her as a ‘rip-snorter’. She doesn’t reconsider driving off into the sunset.

Next week, a farmer is described with an alliterative adjective and across the outback the fight for love gets fierce. Some hearts grow fonder, and some get clawed out by jealous girls wearing short denim shorts as they unload livestock in the Pilbara… but don’t quote me on that.