Apparently, it’s about to be broken, thanks to the program and a lot of pent up sexual tension. I think we’ve been focusing so much on the ACTUAL drought in Australia that this very important problem has been allowed to fester to such a state that we’ve had to outsource our population regeneration.
So, now that these farmers are finding wives and procreating, it’s time to TURN BACK THE BOATS. We’ve got it covered guys, the farmers are back in the love game and their progeny will carry the nation forward. We won’t need international students, immigrants or asylum seekers to achieve a ‘Big Australia’, this big wide land and the big love from FWAW will be enough for us.
Tonight we’re told it’s game on or go home, and Mr Potato Head has taken that advice literally and gotten the girls into the sack.
But, unfortunately for him, it’s a potato sack and they are racing each other in a sack race.
Mr Potato Head wins the race, and exclaims, “Ring-a-ding-ding, Nick is the king”.
His girls are like – am I dating my dad here? That little phrase is a terrible joke/attempt at humour. What a sad sack.
Mr PH is given a lot of airtime in this episode, and we are introduced to his sisters who share his creepy laugh. They all laugh creepily in unison and it is creepy times a million. He asks his sisters for advice on how to get a girl.
“Just be yourself,” they tell him. I think that’s the problem. That, or the fact that Mr PH uses words like ‘romanticest’ and ‘funnest’.
Another oft-posed question in this episode is this: who will win a farmers heart? Careful which heart you wish for ladies, it might blow up in your face.
Colonel QadaffahmahBen is given a lot of airtime too, and he starts by taking his girls to the Clare maze (not it’s official name). He runs to the middle and the girls make it a race to find him, with Beige 1 winning narrowly over Beige 2. He’s happy to see Beige 1, who jumps on him and gives him a kiss. Beige 2 runs in second and despite being told to look disappointed her heart clearly isn’t in it.
As a reward for finding him in the maze, Beige 1 gets to drive Ben’s header (not as dirty as it sounds) and they talk about stuff that isn’t interesting.
As she climbs into the header, FahmahBen gropes Beige 1’s backside.
“Her bum was in front of me so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to see how it felt.” Smooth.
The girls meet the family, and Beige 1 tries to get in with the sister and mum while Beige 2 sits on a log and looks vacantly into the distance. At this stage, Beige 2 looks like she’s out of the race, but luckily for her the producers have planted a sheep in FahmahBen’s dam which she happens to discover as she goes for a stroll. Her and FahmahBen dive into the dam to ‘rescue’ the sheep, which can clearly walk out of the dam on its own, then they wrestle in the mud and she gains a few points back.
My favourite realisation (and justification of a nickname) of the night is when we meet Buck Melanoma’s sister, whose name is Candy. For those unfamiliar, the Buck Melanoma is a reference from the movie Uncle Buck, and John Candy plays the title character. See what I did there? WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT!
BM gets his girls to pick fruit and then goes for a run with Peroxide Barbie who seems much too nice for him. The quiet one isn’t shown much at all except for when she’s laughing at Peroxide Barbie falling over amongst the papaw trees. I wonder if BM supplies the Lucas’ Papaw remedies factory?
If so, he’s all over boils, burns, chafing, cuts, cracked skin, gravel rash, splinters, open wounds, insect bites and nappy rash, amongst other things.
Farmer Kieran is barely shown at all, the weather is bad and a horse might get sick, yada, yada, yada. They clean troughs, he pulls grass seeds out of sheep eyes and his favourite also has eyes and is hands on in helping the sheep. They go for a horse ride to see the farm and sit at his favourite spot and talk about… her eyes. Dude needs more material.
Farmer Charles came out all guns blazing this episode, but not out of the closet. We only saw one of his girls, Lucie, while the other one walked through long grass in thongs then probably cried herself to sleep. It was all about Lucie, and they sit at Charles’ favourite spot on the farm and talk about love.
Then, with his very effeminate handwriting, Charles invites Lucie to dinner in downtown Barraba to remind her of the hustle and bustle of the city. He prerecords a message to her, which plays in the local theatre before she walks into a candlelit room where Prince Charles is waiting for her.
It feels more like a proposal than a first date, so imagine what he will do if he does eventually propose. Just saying, it will probably be a letdown.
The biggest letdown of the night comes with farmer Melia going to the hospital to resolve last week’s cliffhanger ending. After a boys day at the beach it sounds like one of them has been seriously injured. She gets there to find out her favourite – the non-funny comedian – has dislocated his shoulder. What a soft cock. She feigns looking worried but you can tell she doesn’t really want damaged goods, no matter how (un)funny he may be.
Then she finds out he has to have surgery and leave, making her decision for her. He reminds her of the gift he gave her when they first met, and I realise he is creepy photo frame guy. She loved the photo frame, so she is bound to love his parting gift, which is… a kiss. Unfortunately he can’t grope her because his arm is in a sling. This leaves the other two, who are digging a trench (insert joke about the battle for love, all’s fair in love and war) to fight for Melia’s attentions. She rewards their physical labour with a beer.
The promos for next week are so boring I can’t remember what’s going to happen, and if this episode is anything to go by it will probably be nothing. But it’s okay guys, because the love drought is breaking! And for that we should all be thankful.
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