It's Written In The Stars - March 2013

Aries
There’s no denying you are smart, Aries. It’s this, plus your overbearing nature that makes you the person everybody loves to have on their team for trivia night. It’s no wonder all your friends are alcoholics.

Taurus
After your recent outburst of profanity in a local park, I can say, without doubt, you are the reason the Pope resigned. Keep up the good work, Taurus. Perhaps your next gift to the world can be asking the One Direction boys to stop using so much hair product.

Gemini
You’re on top of the world this month, Gemini, after you learn Gotye won the best record Grammy for his hit Somebody That I Used To Know. Then you remember the song was about you and come crashing back down to earth. In your defense, had you known Wally and Gotye was the same person you might have played things differently. Better luck next time. 

Cancer
As you’re naturally full of it anyway, your decision to turn pro at ‘Battleshits’ is a good one, Cancer. Just be mindful of staring at the person in the next cubicle too long, or things could get weird.

Leo
You spend the entire month adding the screaming goat footage you found  to popular songs, only to discover someone has already beaten you to it. Not to worry, you get to work on your real career - writing a sitcom about a group of friends living in New York City in the mid-nineties. 

Virgo
You hear the Alicia Keys song Girl on Fire one too many times this month Virgo, prompting you to stalk the singer and eventually set her on fire as she enjoys dinner with her husband. It’s a classic ‘practice what you preach’ moment, although Ms Keys doesn’t seem to appreciate it as much as you do. Third degree burns don’t seem to do much for a person’s sense of humour. 

Libra
It’s true what they say - drama attracts drama - and this month, Libra, you are nominated for an Academy Award in the “Best Actor or Actress Out To Self Destruct” category.  The exciting part is you win the award, but the rest of your life has fallen apart and there is no one left in your life to share the success with. I hope that statuette keeps you warm at night.  

Scorpio
Remember Scorpio, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose, making you a perfect ambassador for the new Weight Watchers campaign. 

Sagittarius
A little bird tells me you got a new job, Sagittarius. Congratulations. Your social skills will be at an all time high, as people you are working with are held captive by your conversations. I always knew you’d make a great undertaker. 

Capricorn
It’s time, Capricorn, to tell your children there is no such thing as Santa Claus. It’s also time for you to realise you don’t have any children, and walking the streets telling strangers’ children Christmas is a lie is not okay. Seek professional help.  

Aquarius
What if you did everything you ever wanted to do, Aquarius? How would your life look? On second thought, perhaps keep it to yourself. No one needs to know about your disturbing fetishes. 

And Pisces, the fish.
Your dreams have been absurd lately, and you have gotten to the point where you don’t want to sleep for fear of what your unconscious subconscious might have to tell you. I wouldn’t worry too much, Pisces. Let’s face it, your dreams are much more exciting than anything going on in your real life at the moment.