Conversations with the front desk

Take One

The phone rings for a colleague who isn’t sitting at their desk. Someone else in the office answers to stop the intrusive, shrieking ring tone.

“Hello, Sarah’s phone.”

Receptionist: “Sarah’s not there?”

What I say: “No, she’s not.”

What I’d really like to say: “No shit, Sherlock.” 

Or: “Congratulations! You’ve won the competition for stating the bleeding obvious!”

Or: “Yes she is, but we currently have her suspended from her ankles while we cover everything on her desk in post it notes so when we let her down she has a huge mess to clean up. Can you take a message?”

Take Two

The phone rings, interrupting the flow of work and the equilibrium of the room. How dare someone call our office and expect to speak to us?

Once again, Sarah is not at her desk.

“Hello, Sarah’s phone.”

Receptionist: “Sarah’s not there?”

What I say: “Haven’t we just been through this?!” Then: “No, she’s fucking not, can you take a message?”

Receptionist: “Well I’ll just put the call through to you so you can take a message.”

What I say: “But they don’t want to speak to me, they want to speak to Sarah, so why don’t you just take a message and cut out the middle man?”

Receptionist: “But they really want to speak to someone.”

What I say: “They have already spoken to someone, you, so just pick up the line again and say Sarah will call them back once you’ve taken the message.”

Receptionist: “I’ll just put it through to you so you can take a message for her.”

What I say: “Then they will have to explain themselves all over again, after already explaining to you why they are calling, so this seems like a huge waste of time and it’s involving more people than is really necessary. Also, you’re a receptionist, you are employed to answer the phone and take messages so DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!”

Receptionist: “Okay I’ll put him through.”

Take three

The phone rings again, this time it’s my phone and thankfully I am at my desk to answer it thus eliminating the round-and-round conversation about whether the person answering the phone is actually the person they at the front desk intended to ring. Phew.

“Hello?”

Receptionist: “Hi, Warren has just called, he’s seen a whale and would like to know if we’re interested?”

What I would like to say: “Interested in the fact that he is capable of seeing and identifying one of the largest living mammals on earth off the shores of a seaside town where whales are known to migrate each winter? Because that really is a unique and unmatchable gift. I wish my eyesight was that good.”

What I really say: “Tell Warren thanks, but as it’s currently WHALE SEASON we are well aware that several of the majestic creatures are floating in our waters and drawing crowds. In fact, we’ve written several stories about it in previous weeks. Perhaps you could kindly suggest he read the newspaper before calling us with story ideas?”

Receptionist: “So we’re not interested?”