It's Written In The Stars - 2015 Forecast

Happy New Year, Beliebers.

Hello my children, and apologies for my being in absentia since last holiday season. I trust the year of 2014 has been wondrous, with the universe releasing the abundance it holds for you, showering you in joy and prosperity. Will 2015 be a continuation of this good fortune, I hear you wondering? I have spent countless minutes researching each of your charts and interpreting them accordingly to provide you with the most accurate of insights as to what the coming year will bring. Take on board that which resonates, and leave the rest at your peril.

Yours in astrology and chocolate cake,

Astra

Aries

It’s time to get out your selfie stick and take a long, hard look at yourself Aries. Do you really think becoming a Geoffrey Edelsten impersonator is going to be lucrative business? There must be better ways to use your corpse-like appearance to make money. How about a job in a haunted house?

Taurus

I’d like to tell you things were looking promising for you in 2015, Taurus, but I would be lying. You spend the next year much as you’ve spent your whole life, as a hypochondriac wasting tax-payer dollars. At one point you will think you’ve caught the Ebola virus, when in fact what the doctor said was to eat more ‘granola’. Time to visit the hearing clinic.

Gemini

How do you feel about Justin Bieber? That’s how your friends feel about you, Gemini. There are two things you could do if you wanted to remedy this – get new friends, or stop being a wanker.

Cancer

You’ve often been known to misunderstand the social zeitgeist Cancer, and you haven’t improved with age. Be aware that although you have just undergone surgery for a hip replacement, this doesn’t make you a hipster. Rest assured you continue to be socially inept.

Leo

Leo, Leo, Leo. Another year goes by and I can tell although you put on a brave face you are struggling with an existential crisis. Who am I? What does it mean? Only you can answer that question, so why are you wasting my precious time?

Virgo

For the last time, Virgo, ‘upskirting’ is not a viable profession. You’ve had trouble with the law in the past, but that’s nothing on what’s coming if you don’t change your ways. To be on the safe side, I suggest a self-imposed house arrest while watching copious amounts of Dr. Phil to scare you straight.

Libra

I’d like to introduce you to the idea of playing the victim this year Libra. You already do this in your personal life (which you seem to be unaware of), but will get the opportunity to do it professionally when you are cast as a murder victim in the latest reincarnation of NCIS: Hackham West. Chookas!

Scorpio

Sometimes you wonder what it would be like to have it all, Scorpio. You’ll continue to wonder throughout 2015 and for the majority of the next decade. Might as well get comfortable, I hear casks of goon are a steal this time of year.

Sagittarius

You’ve got it all going on, Sagittarius. You just scored the trifecta of safe Christmas gifts, and now have this year’s seasonal offerings from Michael Buble, Human Nature and Susan Boyle on high rotation in your multi-disc CD player.   

Capricorn

You’ve got a big year coming up Capricorn, which includes being labelled as Australia’s biggest douchebag. Congratulations on being named Channel Ten’s next Bachelor!

Aquarius

Marriage is on your mind, Aquarius, and the minds of your parents and friends. Honestly, at this point they would be happy for you to find a nice man or woman in need of a visa to seal the deal. Consider it, for everyone’s sake.

And Pisces, the fish.

Have you heard the saying, “To catch a fish, think like a fish”? Well, you have now and you would be wise to give it some thought. Especially as you’ll find yourself stranded in the ocean at some point with no one to ask for help. If you manage to make it to the island, and that’s a big ‘if’, the aforementioned phrase could pay dividends.

Finale: When Love Gets Dumped By A Text Message

Downteeth Abbey's eyes pop out of her head as Nat tells her
this entire experience has been a bad dream.

EXCLUSIVE: The Love Bus has been seen engulfed in flames as the women slighted in the Quest For Love™ resorted to pyromania to exact revenge on the men who promised to love them but went for a surf instead.

With much speculation about which couples would still be together, the finale of When Love Comes To Town promised to be just as average as the shows previous. First, though, we had to journey to the final town, Airlie Beach. Two men were waiting there, one named Kendall (not a Kardashian) and the other, Doug. I shed many a tear this night as I missed the beginning of the program, and in doing so missed Doug introducing himself as ‘God spelled backwards with a little you’. A moment of silence, please. I joined the love-fest on decision day, where the Old Gal Ainslie rejected Kendall, as did Tash, who was at oompa-loompa levels of fake tan. Despite being one letter away from God, Doug wasn’t floating Jen’s boat, which meant we had to wait and find out if Neighbours Girl Zoe decided to stay for love.

Moving to Sydney, all the girls were reunited to spill the beans but we were left with more questions than answers. Old Gal Ainslie said she had been putting unrealistic expectations on herself, but all the girls love her so that’s a win. Perhaps one of them (pointing at you, Caitlin) is a suitable match? So did Zoe stay with God? Yes she did, and she lets the ‘L’ word slip (that’s love, for those of you playing at home). They share common values and everything and Nat thinks they will go the distance, but that could be the kiss of death.

Husky Renee who hates romance brought Mitch along, because he’s keen for an adventure. As long as he doesn’t think it’s going to be a romantic one. We are reunited with some side-hair wearing with Downteeth Abbey who thinks Leigh is very sexy. They went shopping in Melbourne so it must be true love. He thinks she is the girl for him. Shelley and Reggie also got together in Sale, and he says it was as simple as he likes her so he told her what he thought. Revolutionary.

I know you’ve all been dying to hear how Princess Mary aka Boobs Rebekah ended up in the quest for love. She got off the bus for a PE teacher named Sam, and this evening is wearing earrings bigger than her boobs. According to Princess Mary, they had fun and he taught her how to play rugby and went on a helicopter ride. But just before the filming of the finale, he dumped her via text message. Classy. Rebekah shows Nat the text, who isn’t comfortable reading it, probably because it doesn’t say something like, ‘cheeky PE teacher Sam tells bubbly Rebekah the spark in their connection is missing’. What did it say, I hear you ask? Sam moved out of the country and has no intention of pursuing anything with Rebekah. She broke down in tears and was shocked, she didn’t see it coming and hoped for a bit more respect.

Nikki the personal trainer is dressed as a black disco ball, and brings Shahid the vet out. They are excited to be starting things together which is a lovely way to end the evening. Cue the ‘cheers’ to love, however I’m sure Princess Mary is probably wanting to cheers to something else.

This is where the show ends, and for a loyal viewer such as myself it is somewhat of an anticlimax. I get that it had to be wrapped up quickly because no one is watching this shit, but for those of us who have been there from the beginning I say this: WE NEED CLOSURE.

Where was Minderella? We need to know how the fairytale ends. Where was the art teacher with the kid who got off the bus for the rich cattle farmer/surf teacher? And where was hippy horsey, who used to bless us with her dulcet tones each episode? I turned to the world wide web for answers, and got some dramatic pauses after Nat asked the girls in question inane questions. Long story short, Art Teacher wanted something serious, Charlie didn’t. Minderella’s man wanted to visit her, she got cold feet. Hippy Horsey just wants to be friends with everyone; you can never have enough friends.

There you have it folks, we have been run through the wringer in the Quest For Love™ and I thank you for accompanying me on this journey. Until the next reality car-crash, I’m getting back on the bus. 

When Love Aims To Address The Gender Imbalance

Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha find there's
no sex worth staying for in this outback city. 

I want to take this opportunity to say congratulations, mainly to myself, for reaching the penultimate town in the Quest For Love™. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, fake tan and side-swept hair, but the journey is nearly over.

The bus is now rolling into Mount Isa, the outback city which once had a mayor so concerned with the gender imbalance in town he urged ugly women to move there to find love. I am not making this up. 

Tash the dance teacher tells us she’s always itching to see the new guys. She should really get that looked at. And what better time than in Mount Isa, because lo and behold one of the guys here is a doctor. The other one is an engineer. Doctor James tells us his nickname around town is ‘Dr Do Me’, and he’s looking for a girl who is a smartass. I’m right here, James. Tom the ginger engineer is on the mine rescue squad and says he loves being underground. Why is he single do you think?

There’s nothing like a twist to keep people interested, so this time around the girls will be speed dating both eligible bachelors at a pool party. As the speed dates begin, Ainslie’s bikini leaks to make it look like she has giant pink nipples. We find out Tom bought a keyboard last night, and Dr Do Me asks for opinions about alfalfa sprouts. Dr Do Me also tells a girl if she were a burger, she’d be a McBeautiful. McVomit. And if dating both men wasn’t enough of a twist, the surprises keep coming, as Lesbian Caitlin who stayed in Port Macquarie with Golf Man is back. Love didn’t work out, I think we all know why. But she’s back to have another go at finding a man attractive. She does her speed dates while the other girls bitch about her.

Sensing some tension, Lesbian Caitlin checks in with Cat Lady Amy to see how she’s doing. Cat Lady thinks Lesbian is in it to win it and not interested in finding love. They have a bitch fight and then it’s time for the boys to choose who they want to take on dates. Dr Do Me chooses Magic Man Jess for a date, but the Gingineer also wants Magic Man. The choice is hers and she goes with Gingineer. Dr Do Me then chooses Old Gal Ainslie, Gingineer chooses Lesbian while all the other girls give her death stares. The last girl chosen is Neighbours lookalike Zoe, who gets to discuss more legumes and sprouts with Dr Do Me. According to Neighbours Zoe, it’s most girls dream to date a doctor, and she thinks Ainslie is a bit rough around the edges. They’re called wrinkles, Zoe.

Gingineer takes Magic Man and Lesbian in a plane to the middle of nowhere. He goes for a swim with Lesbian and they float silently in a waterhole. Magic Man waits patiently for her turn to float in silence, but when the time comes, a croc is in the water and she freaks out. “It’s just a freshy” Gingineer reassures her. But she doesn’t care if it’s, “a freshy, a salty or a peppery” she’s not getting in the water. They find another waterhole and Gingineer jumps in, while Magic Man tells him not to get eaten by a shark. I don’t think sharks and crocs coexist, Jess.

Dr Do Me and Neighbours Zoe go kayaking after a tour of Mount Isa. That’s as exciting as it gets. We are pretty well into the episode and there hasn’t yet been one mention of Ainslie’s age. Dr Do Me takes the old gal on a hike, and considering how ancient she is she keeps up pretty well, hopping from boulder to boulder. They take a selfie to recapture their youth, and she finds a leaf shaped like a love heart but then proceeds to break it in half. An ominous sign. Dr Do Me is also handy in the kitchen and cooks up a storm for the girls. We learn Zoe is allergic to swordfish, and the Old Gal starts to plot in the corner.

Gingineer and the girls sit around a table in awkward silence. Lesbian Caitlin goes to bed early leaving just Magic Man sitting in silence with Gingy. He can’t put two words together to save himself and she is wishing she had let that croc chew her up and spit her out.

Decision day dawns, will the gender imbalance be improved in Mount Isa today? Not likely, as both Neighbours Zoe and Old Gal Ainslie leave Dr Do Me to get back on the bus. At least he’ll always have his nickname. Lesbian Caitlin leaves the Gingineer, so it’s down to Jess. Is Tom her mute magic man? Na. She’s back on the bus with one more town to go, Airlie Beach.

Until then, be safe, be wise, and be honourable in your Quest For Love™. 

When Love Comes To Port Macquarie

The Port Macquarie boys wanna marry Harry.

Look out Port Macquarie, the love bus is headed your way and it’s fully loaded with crazy. Even better, in the first minute the bus stops to pick up an old contestant who is joining the Quest For Love™ for the second time. Last week when I heard this news, I scurried on down to my local Tom Waterhouse betting establishment and placed a cool $20 on it being JJ. For those invested in this whole sorry story, JJ is the girl with the personality guys hate (her words, not mine) who got off the bus in Margaret River for a guy with massive guns. Mr Arms must have gotten to know JJ, as the bus stops and she jumps on much to the dismay of the new girls.  The old girls are happy she is back because they didn’t get enough time around her the first time to get sick of her shit personality.

According to our beloved host Nat, Port Macquarie is home to perfect beaches and natural beauty. Hold on, what did I just hear? Oh, it was the sound of all that pristine natural beauty dying as the bus pulled into town. We are also provided with another astonishing insight into the life of new girl Amy – Port Macquarie is the place she caught her first fish. Will it be the place she catches her next STI?

Let’s meet the men shall we? Shahid the vet, hello doctor, and Stu the golf nut. Stu says golf is a lonely ambition and he wants to find someone to take away the loneliness and a woman who can swing a golf club. He should probably just stop playing golf and equilibrium would return. Stu likes Caitlin on first sight, mainly because his retinas have been burned by her bright orange pants. But Stu, I should let you know she is a lesbian, so her golf swing is probably good but you’ll be SOL when it comes to anything else. Magic Man Jess has never met a golfer and picks Stu for the group date. Girl needs to get out more.

While the new girls are scared of JJ, JJ is scared of a camel, as Vet Boy takes his group of floozies to the beach for a camel ride. Plastic Jennifer is worried Shahid will see her arse crack. She is studying to be a cosmetic nurse, what a shock. JJ attempts to kick a footy and tells Shahid her best trait is her ball skills. Then personal trainer Nikki strips down to her bikini and runs into the surf with Vet Boy. A sure-fire way to a one on one date, partial nudity. Vet Boy also chooses JJ for a date, presumably for her ball skills.

Over at the golf course, snore. Stu keeps banging on about how women with a good golf swing are like, so hot, and such a turn on, because he’s obviously attracted to 60-year-old women who like a sneaky glass of chardonnay and a cheese platter after a gruelling round on the greens. And lesbians, because he gets up close and personal with Caitlin teaching her to putt, then they laugh in a sand bunker. Why do bunkers get all the fun? New girl Amy says she likes Stu’s dimples and doesn’t want to be a cat lady. Luckily, Stu likes cat ladies and lesbians as Caitlin and Amy are chosen for one on one dates.

Vet Boy takes JJ to feed horses, and uses the word semen quite early on in the date. Horse semen, that is. He makes her clean a horse’s tail so he can do an ultrasound. She vomits and the date is over. Vet Boy then goes paddle boarding with Nikki, who makes him do 50 push-ups for a kiss. She delivers once he almost dies on the sand, “good kiss” he gasps as he tries to get the oxygen flowing again.

Golf Boy and Cat Lady go on a boat and see a dolphin. Then they do the Kate/Leo Titanic pose at the front of the boat. Inspired by JJ, I run to the bathroom to vomit. After this, Golf Boy takes Lesbian Caitlin to a macadamia orchard for no apparent reason. Then they go swimming and he says she is his kryptonite, while she thinks there is more to him than just golf. I wouldn’t bet on it, Caitlin.

That night, JJ steps aside to let Nikki and Shahid bond, as her strict dating rules state no man must use the word semen before... ever. Both girls like Stu for some reason, and he can’t decide who he likes because both of their golf swings were pretty average. On decision day, Nikki is confused, Amy is confused, and to complete the trifecta, the lesbian is also confused. But we already knew that. Stu is in the bathroom crying because of his fear of rejection. Cat Lady Amy blames being a Libran for not being able to make a decision. She must have made it through despite astrology working against her, as she chooses to get back on the bus. Lesbian Caitlin stays to work on her golf swing and Stu cries with joy. Nikki also decides to stay, because she hasn’t heard Shahid say ‘semen’ yet.

Next, the love bus rolls into the male hotbed of Mount Isa as the Quest For Love™ continues. 

Catching Up: Part Two

Sam holds Rebekah tightly so she stops twitching.

From the big strawberry, we move to Orange, NSW, where two unsuspecting young men are about to meet a fate worse than death. Mitch is a farmer and Sam is a PE teacher, the girls are still themselves and the group dates involve crutching sheep and ten pin bowling.

Mitch thinks Renee is a top bird, and one of the new girls Nikki (who has taken over from Downteeth Abbey as our token swept-to-the-side hair wearer) can handle a sheep’s bum effectively which impresses Mitch.  Renee is back after the medical emergency with her grandfather, which I am maintaining was an escape route from the Door Enemy cactus farmer. Her grandfather wants her to find love in a hopeless place, so she got back on the bus to Orange. Renee and Nikki are the luckiest girls in the world as they secure a one on one date with Mitch.

Meanwhile at the bowling arena, Sam promises a kiss to whoever scores a strike. And as fate would have it, Boobs Rebekah aka Princess Mary knocks all the pins down and goes in for the kiss. They also take pictures and kiss in a photo booth. That means she’s a shoo-in for a one on one date, and Magic Man Jess is also chosen, as Sam thinks she is the best looking girl there. In a bowling alley in Orange, I’d say the competition would be fairly light-on.

Sam takes Magic Man mountain biking, and then goes cherry-picking with Princess Mary. He gives her a rose and they kiss in the orchard. It is around this moment she breaks it to the swarthy sportsman – she doesn’t care about sports at all. With breasts like that, a simple jog would pose extreme risks.

Renee and Mitch ride a mechanical bull, which consists of Mitch actually riding it, and Renee getting on and falling off before it’s even started its rotation. Nikki the personal trainer gets a ride in Mitch’s tractor and they go swimming at Orange’s Bondi Beach, aka Mitch’s dam. He says, “you could bounce a quarter off her butt” but Nikki won’t give him a kiss on the first date, despite this most genuine of compliments. Mitch takes the girls to his man-cave, where Renee has the sulks because she immediately knew she liked Mitch but he won’t commit to telling her which girl he likes best. He’s confused, and it makes for excellent viewing as the three of them sit silently in the shed.

Meanwhile, Magic Man has seen the boobs flying between Sam and Princess Mary, and decides to bow out of the race. He wants Princess Mary to stay, and she has a big decision on her hands. Does Orange have the necessary lingerie requirements for her busty needs?

The next morning, Mitch claps at his girls to wake up from sleeping on a mattress on the floor. No expense spared in the quest for love. Renee is putting extreme pressure on Mitch, saying she won’t stay unless he says he likes her better than Nikki. SAY IT MITCH, get her off that bus.

Decision time arrives, and the search for Magic Man continues in the next town, while Princess Mary stays with Sam and now we will be spared some of that head twitching she calls flirting. Mitch declares his love for Renee, so Nikki says she is getting back on the bus. Renee and her deep voice have found a happy home in Orange, and we are two more girls down.

Next episode, which will air in the form of a three-hour torture session, sees a girl returning who has already gotten off the bus in one of the first towns. Who could it be? Once again, the suspense is killing me. Until then dear reader, never give up in the quest for love, and if a big black bus comes to pick you up, run away immediately. 

Catching Up: Part One

At least John and Adrian still have the big strawberry to
keep them warm at night.

Hello dear readers, are you ready for a three-episode synopsis of Australia's beloved grass-is-greener search for love, When Love Comes To Town? 

Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for you, I missed episode five where the bus rolled into Sale to meet a handsome hairdresser and another guy who has never had a girlfriend. These two must have turned on the charms because I am shattered to report Downteeth Abbey got off the bus to be with a hairdresser who shares her passion for sweeping her hair to one side of her head. You know what they say, the couple who hair-styles together stays together for at least a few weeks. And the other guy persuaded Shelley to get off the bus to go to a playground. An update showed these new couples on a double date where the hairdresser jumped up on a table and wowed Downteeth with his mad guitar skillz. 

In the biggest plot twist so far, six new girls joined the quest for love in Sale and now we have a whole new pack of gold-diggers to deal with. Ain't love grand? My first look at them makes me realise I have grown quite fond of the little group we already had, I find myself cheering for old gal Ainslie and hoping that croaky beige Renee will meet a nice country boy. Hell, I'm even hoping Jess finds her magic man and lives happily ever after. What has happened to me? 

This week we are in Cobram, and Nat tells us it's a small town with a big heart, and the big strawberry. Who doesn't love a piece of oversized fake fruit? Two knights in shining armour ride in on stallions. Then they immediately ride off again as they see Rebekah's head twitching viciously, hoping to secure their affections. The real guys of Cobram are wheeled out, John the cactus farmer and Adrian the farmer slash furniture maker. Crazy Cactus is 6'10" and says doorways are his biggest enemy. Wait until he meets these girls. Slashie Adrian has very white teeth, pointing to a strict dental hygiene regime and huge potential, if only these girls knew what to look for. 

Slashie Adrian takes his girls to a local fundraiser and makes them sell sausages. He hits it off with Ainslie and they bounce around in a jumping castle. One of the new girls, Zoe, talks to him and he thinks she has a spark about her. Side note - Zoe looks like a girl who used to be in Neighbours and played a blind character looking for her birth mother. She had been victim of a switched-at-birth scenario, and arrived in Erinsborough to find the Timmins family which included a fair number of nut-bags, including Stingray. To finish this tangent, the actor who played Stingray went to my high-school formal and had to deal with freaks like me yelling out 'Stingray!' all night. Ah, the memories. 

Adrian chooses Neighbours Girl and Old Gal Ainslie for one on one dates. 

At the cactus farm, Door Enemy Number One has to deal with a beauty therapist getting a splinter, he serves strawberry margaritas and we learn new girl Caitlin's dad thought she may have been a lesbian. Renee thinks she has a lot in common with Door Enemy, as she walks next to him as he pushes a wheelbarrow. Door Enemy chooses Lesbian Caitlin for a date because of her height and her looks, not for her sexual orientation. Renee is also chosen for a date, probably for her wheelbarrow-pushing credentials. 

Door Enemy and Renee do something with a cactus, she asks him if he likes the lesbian better and he doesn't really answer. Renee cracks the sads and walks off to get some water. To make up for the shit cactus date, Door Enemy takes both girls on a paddle steamer where they 'cheers' to the Murray River, like that's what it needs. Perhaps they should have toasted to good health, as not long after this Renee gets a phone call to say her grandfather has had a stroke. Seems like an elaborate escape route from Door Enemy, but it works and he is left alone to discover if Caitlin likes the cactus after all. 

Slashie takes his girls water skiing, and after applying sunscreen to Ainslie's old and wrinkled skin, he gets on the skis and shows them how it's done. They seem amazed he is also good at water sports, maybe he's the whole package. Old Gal gives it a shot and discovers she is awesome at water skiing. Neighbours Girl then tries but she sucks and swallows half of the Murray. So that's what caused the drought. Old Gal and Slashie sit and chat as we are treated to Ainslie's rejection montage from throughout the series. It would only have been improved had it been set to Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. 

Back on the paddle steamer, Door Enemy tells Lesbian Caitlin she is amazing and gorgeous, but she should only get off the bus if she's 100 per cent. She eats pancakes as she tries to figure out if she's attracted to John or not. 

It turns out Slashie Adrian lives in a shed, which does not impress Neighbours Girl, but Ainslie thinks it is quite charming. He really likes her and takes the girls out to the paddock at the time of day where 'the light goes soft and the shadows go long and it's really peaceful'. He actually said that, meaning of course he's too good for these girls and is going to be left alone even though he's the perfect age for the Old Gal. 

Decision day arrives, and Lesbian Caitlin cries because John is a man then she gets back on the bus. Neighbours Girl says she felt like a third wheel around Adrian and Ainslie so she's back on the bus too. Adrian says he really likes and connected with Ainslie. So naturally, she decides to get back on the bus because someone who is perfect is not good enough. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER AINSLIE. 

To be continued as the bus rolls into Orange. 

Episode 4: When Love Owns Seven Farms And Is A Multi-Millionaire

Let's try and get this over with as quickly as possible, shall we? This week the bus rolls into Robe where two great new catches are on offer. One is a cray fisherman and the other one is a surf instructor with a multi-million dollar secret. 

On the bus into town, old gal Ainslie turns 83 and celebrates with a cake. The art teacher sees kids and is reminded of her son. Moves you to tears, doesn't it? 

Chill Bill the fisherman says it is important to find someone special and shakes a blokes hand in a ute. He likes the look of Princess Mary and her boobs. Million dollar Charlie is wearing jeans and thongs which is a turn off for Magic Man Jess, who thankfully doesn't get picked for a one on one date this week. With standards like that, the magic man she is looking for will be in for a rough ride. 

Chill Bill takes his girls out on a boat to pull some crayfish and gives them each a single red rose as they climb aboard. Princess Mary corners him and says she doesn't know how to play hard to get, then she kisses a shark and throws it back in the water. Chill Bill may wish he could throw the lady sharks back at some point, but that is yet to come. Downteeth Abbey catches two crays and squeals like a child when she has to touch one of them. She gives Chill Bill a high-five and says he has kind eyes. 

Nat is back to her farmer ways describing the other contender as Cheeky Charlie. Whether or not he is cheeky remains to be seen. According to someone beige he has nice abs on the front area of his body. If they weren't on the front part we'd be watching Embarrassing Bodies. He teaches his girls to surf, Art Mum is the best and Geriatric Ainslie gets jealous. Charlie finds out she is old and stops talking to her. When she sees his beach shack, Ainslie thinks she is going to pop out a few kids to raise there. He then chooses Art Mum and Renee, who sucks at surfing, for one on one dates. The old gal chokes back the tears as her hopes of living happily ever after are dashed yet again. 

Chill Bill and his plunging neckline decide on Princess Mary and Tash the dance teacher for one on one dates. Then there is a group hug for reasons still unknown. 

By this point in the show, Nat has said 'multi-million dollar secret' so many times I just about want to cut off my ears. Charlie tells his girls he owns seven farms and Renee sees dollar signs while Art Mum is more interested in him as a person. At least someone on this show has morals. They muster cattle and Art Mum tries to throw hay. The cows look at her mockingly and decide to do their own thing. Charlie tells the girls they are doing a good job as he does all the work. Renee is dark because she has to share the date with Art Mum. Charlie wets Renee with a hose as he gets her to wash his ute, she hates it and looks sadder than she normally does. Art Mum cleans troughs and loves it, Charlie appreciates her positive attitude and throws her a cool million to say thanks.*

Princess Mary and Chill Bill go four wheel driving and she reveals an ex boyfriend of hers told her to go back to where she came from. On the other date, Tash asks Bill what he thinks love is. He takes her to a fish and chip shop and they go and sit next to seagulls. He takes both girls to meet his family and friends who taunt Princess Mary for being vegetarian, while Tash wins over the sister. They go back to Bill's house where he has a painting of a girl who looks like Tash as she has the same lips and hair and a nice bum. Princess Mary fakes being sick and has an early night. The other two enjoy the romantic background noise as she cries herself to sleep. 

Charlie and his two girls go and sit by a bonfire where he burns money for enjoyment. I hear he has a lot of it, and owns seven farms. 

On decision day, Chill Bill is left alone with nothing but his deep v-neck t-shirt, while Art Mum Jemma stays with Charlie to see if he will make a rich, I mean good, step-dad to her seven year old son. 

An update on Minderella and the douchebag in the Barossa - they drink wine and ride in a hot air balloon. I think they like each other and let's face it, they'll probably get married and have baby minderellas before the show is finished. 

Next time, we go back to dating poor people and some new bitches get on the love bus. 

*That didn't really happen. 

Episode 3: When Wine Comes To Town

Josh and Ainslie stop to listen to the deafening ticking of her biological clock.

This week on When The Grass Is Greener Comes To Town, we are asked the most pertinent of questions, will romance reign in the Barossa? I don’t want to call it too early, but I highly doubt it.

Our favourite big-teethed lady contestant Abbey is excited to be in Angaston and her plan to score a man involves flashing her pins and being herself. I think that may be the problem. We meet Mindy, who wants to find someone down to earth, in spite of the fact she's a girly girl who refers to herself as Minderella. I wonder if she realises it makes her sound more like someone with special needs than a princess in waiting? Hopeless romantic Monica, aka 50 Shades, thinks she gets lost in a crowd, but her naturally frizzy hair and unkempt eyebrows are looking after her in that regard. 

Suddenly a town crier appears, making beige Shelley want to cry with excitement. My feelings in a similar situation would be more akin to terror, but we are all different. The town crier disappears as swiftly as he appeared and two winemakers are trotted out in front of Team Desperation. Andy is a Barossa local and sixth-generation grape grower, he plays cricket and kisses his enormous dog. Josh has lots of wine and loves cooking. It's hard to find someone in the Barossa because everyone knows everyone, he says. Yes, best to keep in-breeding to a minimum. Nat says she can already feel love in the air and Princess Mary says she is going to put herself out there. Lucky us. 

The group dates involve croquet and wine and the pronunciation of Shiraz. The boys in the know say Shiraaaaahz, darling, and the girls are true-blue bogan saying Shirazz. Teeth plays with her hair, Princess Mary fakes an injury to get attention, Andy fakes sympathy for the cameras. Josh makes his girls whip up a salad with fresh ingredients from the garden. They stop to identify the rare, exotic vegetable known as the spring onion and discover where garlic grows. Not only may these girls find love, they are getting an education in the process, which is clearly needed. 

About this time, 50 Shades starts to have a freak out because she's missing her family and decides to go home. Josh doesn't particularly care and lunch goes on with Ainslie, the old girl trying to be young, and Tash the burlesque dancer vying for his attention. Josh tells her he was born with two left feet. If he actually was, this show would have just gotten interesting. Burlesque doesn't think she's a good dater, which we will never find out because Beige 'magic man' Jess, who doesn't eat lamb, catches Josh's eye and is chosen for a one on one date, as is Cougar Ainslie. Burlesque runs away in tears. 

Andy chooses Minderella and Teeth for one on one dates. He takes Minderella to a shed and makes her put on a apron. Then he makes her do some manual labour and shave wood. Because Andy knows ladies love wood. Then he makes her taste test some port from her birth year. He proceeds to choke and have a coughing fit. Perhaps the ability to drink will present in the seventh generation grape grower. Andy thinks Teeth is fun and takes her on a horse and cart ride. She asks him a lot of annoying questions and persists in sweeping her hair to one side and securing it there, annoying everyone watching. 

Cougar Ainslie is super prepared for a stroll in a vineyard with her big red wedges. Josh then blindfolds her for a wine taste test. Cougar says has never been blindfolded on a first, second or third date. There you go lads, blindfolding etiquette - not before the fourth date. She tastes some cheap goon and Josh's own Shiraaaahz, preferring the goon. I think the goon is the only winner in this situation, as Josh pretends he isn't horrified at the thought of spending another minute with this goon-loving cougar. Beige Jess is intrigued by Josh and he tries to get her to open up as they go rowing. Give up Josh, THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE. He thinks she's holding back but really she's as hollow as an Easter Egg. 

After the dates, Teeth and Minderella go to Andy's house, where he tells Minderella she looks good in the kitchen. Why is he single, do you think? Cougar and Beige go to Josh's house where he makes them pick up cow shit. That's not a euphemism, and the girls say it's the worst day of their lives. They drink more wine to recover. 

A quick update on Tom and Hippie Horsey, who stayed behind on Kangaroo Island to help the mechanic. The good news is her voice hasn't changed, it could chop vegetables at ten feet. They go sand boarding and horse riding and to a beach. He likes her, and tells her, but she just feels she has made a good friend and that's as far as it goes. They 'cheers' to friendship and Tom is glad the nightmare is over. 

It's decision day in the Barossa, and we follow the same formula as in previous episodes. The first three girls get back on the bus leaving Josh alone to drink quality Shiraaaahz in peace. But lucky for Andy, Minderella was impressed with his 1934 values, and decides to stay and see if sparks will fly. Andy reacts by giving her a thumbs up. Honestly, you couldn't make this shit up. 

Next week, the tour of South Australia continues and one man is allegedly keeping a multi-million dollar secret. The suspense is killing me already.

Episode 2: When Love Comes To A Remote Location And The Girls Can't Cope

The pelicans can't wait for the intruders to leave the island. 

On this episode of WLCTT, the big black bus aka BBB gets on the Sealink ferry and floats across to Kangaroo Island as we are promised that tonight, the quest for love gets tougher. Yippee.

We are introduced to more of the girls, including one with woeful eyebrows who says she is just waiting to meet her Mr Darcy. Eyebrows follows this statement by admitting her favourite romance novel of all time is 50 Shades of Grey. It's at about this point I hear a noise in the distance. Yes, it was definitely the faint sound of Jane Austen turning in her grave. 

We get to know single mum Jemma and the cave dweller who left Toadie heartbroken in the last episode again tells us she is looking for her magic man. Rebekah (or as I like to think of her, the poor man's Princess Mary of Denmark) and her ample bosom bounce out of the BBB ready to make an influence, and Abbey's teeth can't wait to get a hold of some of the island's best fare. 

Time to bring out the blokes - Tom the island mechanic, who will give anyone a hand if they break down, and Gav the stonemason who loves adventure. Gav should also be looking for someone who knows what a stonemason is, as these girls clearly have no idea. Renee is relishing being free of Moshe's banana and says she's going for the sick feeling when she's attracted to someone. I think the sick feeling will probably be left to us at home. 50 Shades chooses Tom for her group date because she doesn't want to have to hire a hubby. 

The girls with Tom go to his farm to catch crays, and get up close and personal with some fish heads. Princess Mary gets right in and dirty and claims the island is right up her alley. I can think of other alleys she'd be better suited to, but she continues swimming in Tom's eyes and twitching her head back and forth. 50 Shades stands and chats with the mechanic in the rain, and tells him she'd love to just stop in a paddock and read. The hippie nanny Kelly has also chosen Tom as she reveals she is a horse person. Abort, Tom, ABORT! But it's too late and he chooses hippie horsey and Princess Mary for one on one dates. 

On the other group date, Gav takes his girls to see some rocks. They have to pick them up and ruin their nails much to their horror. I mean, Abbey just had her nails done yesterday Gav, you think you're gonna find a wife pulling shit like this? The girls want him to show them his guns, but he declines and gets to the business of splitting stones. One chick says she has rock in her lipstick, and I'm also happy to confirm she definitely has rocks in her head. The single mum shows some creativity which Gav enjoys but he is a little shocked when she tells him about her son. He covers by saying, "Yeah, cool." Nice one. Jess tells Gav she's looking for her magic man, he's attracted to her at first but then she says she couldn't live on the island. Struck out. Shelley is obsessed with snow and holidays and can't talk about her feelings. Naturally, Gav really likes her and asks her and Jemma to stay for more dates. 

Gav and Shelley go fishing and get attacked by pelicans on their date, she wishes there was no wind. Then Gav blindfolds Jemma and takes her to an art studio where he forces her to teach him to paint. Then she tells him she doesn't want any  more kids, but he does so it's pretty much game over. 

The mechanic takes hippie horsey on a boat to get some oysters, she hates oysters and when he makes her try one she ends up spitting it out. No aphrodisiac effect here. According to Tom, she is the full package. He then meets Princess Mary and takes her on a tour of Kingscote and to the pub, where you can see her g-string hanging out the top of her pants. She asks him about their age difference and he plays it well by saying he'd want someone to focus on their career first and have a family later. 

Before decision day Gav doesn't want the girls to be fooled by the rocks that he's got, and shows them his pet joey and the mechanic and hippie horsey sit by a fire while vegetarian Princess Mary cooks them dinner. Then it's decision time, Gav is left alone as his two girls get back on the bus. I think he's gotten out of that quite well. At least he still has his rocks. Princess Mary gets back on the bus because of course we couldn't get rid of her that easily. Hippie horsey decides she wants to stay with Tom, rendering him reality-TV speechless, wherein he continues to talk for at least another five minutes. 

An update on Arms and JJ: Arms is hot and funny and annoying according to JJ, and he loves annoying her and loves it when she holds his hand. She meets his mum who likes her cheerfulness and thinks they're falling in love. Arms is planning to visit JJ in Melbourne, but he wants her to stay forever as his socks have blown off. He should probably switch brands. 

Next time, on When Gold Diggers Come To Town, the whiners visit the Barossa and meet some winemakers and it looks like 50 Shades of bad eyebrows has a breakdown. Until next week, when the search for love gets more shallow. 

Epidsode 1: When Love Comes To Town

Adam and Moshe realise they've made a huge mistake. 

Move over Tinder, Natalie Gruzlewski is driving around Australia in a big black bus, filled with super-tanned, short-short wearing, horny desperados. The aforementioned women will meet two 'blokes' in each town they stop and will have to make the choice to stay for love, or get back on the bus to loneliness. 

First stop, Margaret River, WA. The local farmers market is where the fresh meat is first paraded out in front of tonight's contenders, Adam and Moshe. One of the main things I love about Nat is she's always offering helpful advice, such as, "Make a good first impression". The girls are feeling competitive, and hippie nanny Kelly is in it to win it, but doesn't think she'll punch anyone. That honour will be left to the viewer, who will want to punch her in the face after a few short segments. 

Adam is a carpenter/surfer who says he is, "honestly looking for the right girl". He's also doing his best job to convince himself joining this car crash wasn't a bad idea. Moshe, who I hope has the last name Pitt, is a laid back lawyer, sort of the post-Lite'n'Easy Toadfish Rebecchi of Margaret River. I'm looking forward to the part where he takes the girls on a group date to Lassiter's. 

Someone makes a cricket analogy, and teams are picked for the group date, then Nat says 'let's hope lightning strikes'. We will hope it strikes something, like JJ's head perhaps. 

On their group date with the debonair Adam, the girls are made to build a chook shed. Adam is clearly not one to pass up the chance of having a few spare sets of hands around. He strips down to his wife beater, exposing his muscular physique, and the already suffocating atmosphere of women in heat is heightened. Hammers and nails are passed around, this scares one lady quite a lot, as she has to work for her supper by hitting a nail into place. It's clear she would like to nail something else. 

Moshe takes his ladies to the local show, a classic Australian date if ever there was one. Two of the girls have to drive themselves. Chivalry is alive and well in Margaret River. They all look and point, "A Ferris wheel!"  I mean, who would have thought? Rebecca, however it is spelled, goes for a one on one walk with Moshe and her head is twitching so much by trying to be flirtatious you'd think she has some kind of problem needing medical attention. Turns out she just wants someone to listen to her, which will be the only option the poor boy has as she doesn't appear to ever stop and draw a breath. 

Meanwhile, the chook shed is taking shape, and the hippie nanny corners Adam and asks him if he likes kids. It's quite an awkward conversation where she tells him she was a nanny in the Bahamas for a year where she looked after kids as a nanny so yeah I did that for a year. Everyone clear on that? Adam shows JJ his tractor, not a euphemism. JJ says every guy she dates ends up hating her personality, and the other girls tell her she is amazing, even though they've only known her two days. I can't wait to see how this goes. 

Back at the sideshows, Jessica is scared of a bull and Moshe wins a big banana that the girls have to share. Sounds like the premise for a home-made sex tape. Girls are chosen for one-on-one dates, Jessica and Renee with Moshe, and Abbey and JJ with Adam's arms. I wonder what his arms will think of JJ's supposedly shit personality. 

Abbey and Arms eventually go surfing, after he puts his wetsuit on backwards. Breed with this one, ladies. Abbey tried to find some shorter shorts to wear to the beach, but they'd all been bought by Kylie Minogue circa her Spinning Around music video. Abbey wants to sun bake, cos, like, it's totally what she does best. 

Moshe waits nonchalantly by a tree for Jessica then takes her to a cave. It doesn't end as sinisterly as it could have, they drink champagne and have a beige conversation where she talks about wanting to meet her Magic Man. He ain't Moshe, I'll give you the hot tip. 

Renee has a cup of tea with her banana and then goes on a picnic in a forest with Pseudo-Toadfish. 'This is amazing' she says as she sees a tree. 

Arms and JJ go to his local pub, a place where he has had good times before. He winks, she makes a bad joke, Nat makes a pithy comment that wasn't very pithy. Arms gets jealous when JJ talks about the guys who hated her. Then he says anyone would 'give their back teeth' to be in his position. I'd give my back teeth to be watching something else. But that would be no fun. 

Decision day arrives, where Toadie makes breakfast in bed for his two girls, and Arms wakes up on the couch then goes for a walk with a stick. Much like his character in Neighbours, Toadie is left stranded as Renee and Jessica get back on the bus. At least he still has his banana. Abbey gets back on the bus too, but JJ decides to stay and see how long it will take Arms to get jealous of the life he had before she came to town. 

The search for love continues on Kangaroo Island, where there may be more than one set of remarkable rocks on display.