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| Josh and Ainslie stop to listen to the deafening ticking of her biological clock. |
This week on When The Grass Is
Greener Comes To Town, we are asked the most pertinent of questions, will romance reign in the Barossa? I don’t
want to call it too early, but I highly doubt it.
Our favourite big-teethed lady
contestant Abbey is excited to be in Angaston and her plan to score a man
involves flashing her pins and being herself. I think that may be the problem.
We meet Mindy, who wants to find someone down to earth, in spite of the fact
she's a girly girl who refers to herself as Minderella. I wonder if she
realises it makes her sound more like someone with special needs than a
princess in waiting? Hopeless romantic Monica, aka 50 Shades, thinks she gets
lost in a crowd, but her naturally frizzy hair and unkempt eyebrows are looking
after her in that regard.
Suddenly a town crier appears,
making beige Shelley want to cry with excitement. My feelings in a similar
situation would be more akin to terror, but we are all different. The town
crier disappears as swiftly as he appeared and two winemakers are trotted out
in front of Team Desperation. Andy is a Barossa local and sixth-generation
grape grower, he plays cricket and kisses his enormous dog. Josh has lots of
wine and loves cooking. It's hard to find someone in the Barossa because
everyone knows everyone, he says. Yes, best to keep in-breeding to a minimum.
Nat says she can already feel love in the air and Princess Mary says she is
going to put herself out there. Lucky us.
The group dates involve croquet
and wine and the pronunciation of Shiraz. The boys in the know say Shiraaaaahz,
darling, and the girls are true-blue bogan saying Shirazz. Teeth plays with her
hair, Princess Mary fakes an injury to get attention, Andy fakes sympathy for
the cameras. Josh makes his girls whip up a salad with fresh ingredients from
the garden. They stop to identify the rare, exotic vegetable known as the spring onion
and discover where garlic grows. Not only may these girls find love, they are
getting an education in the process, which is clearly needed.
About this time, 50 Shades starts
to have a freak out because she's missing her family and decides to go home.
Josh doesn't particularly care and lunch goes on with Ainslie, the old girl
trying to be young, and Tash the burlesque dancer vying for his attention. Josh
tells her he was born with two left feet. If he actually was, this show would
have just gotten interesting. Burlesque doesn't think she's a good dater, which
we will never find out because Beige 'magic man' Jess, who doesn't eat lamb, catches Josh's
eye and is chosen for a one on one date, as is Cougar Ainslie. Burlesque runs
away in tears.
Andy chooses Minderella and Teeth
for one on one dates. He takes Minderella to a shed and makes her put on a
apron. Then he makes her do some manual labour and shave wood. Because Andy
knows ladies love wood. Then he makes her taste test some port from her birth
year. He proceeds to choke and have a coughing fit. Perhaps the ability to
drink will present in the seventh generation grape grower. Andy thinks Teeth is
fun and takes her on a horse and cart ride. She asks him a lot of annoying
questions and persists in sweeping her hair to one side and securing it there,
annoying everyone watching.
Cougar Ainslie is super prepared
for a stroll in a vineyard with her big red wedges. Josh then blindfolds her
for a wine taste test. Cougar says has never been blindfolded on a first,
second or third date. There you go lads, blindfolding etiquette - not before
the fourth date. She tastes some cheap goon and Josh's own Shiraaaahz,
preferring the goon. I think the goon is the only winner in this situation, as
Josh pretends he isn't horrified at the thought of spending another minute with
this goon-loving cougar. Beige Jess is intrigued by Josh and he tries to get
her to open up as they go rowing. Give up Josh, THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE. He
thinks she's holding back but really she's as hollow as an Easter Egg.
After the dates, Teeth and
Minderella go to Andy's house, where he tells Minderella she looks good in the
kitchen. Why is he single, do you think? Cougar and Beige go to Josh's house
where he makes them pick up cow shit. That's not a euphemism, and the girls say
it's the worst day of their lives. They drink more wine to recover.
A quick update on Tom and Hippie
Horsey, who stayed behind on Kangaroo Island to help the mechanic. The good
news is her voice hasn't changed, it could chop vegetables at ten feet. They go
sand boarding and horse riding and to a beach. He likes her, and tells her, but
she just feels she has made a good friend and that's as far as it goes. They 'cheers' to friendship and Tom is glad the nightmare is over.
It's decision day in the Barossa,
and we follow the same formula as in previous episodes. The first three girls
get back on the bus leaving Josh alone to drink quality Shiraaaahz in peace.
But lucky for Andy, Minderella was impressed with his 1934 values, and decides
to stay and see if sparks will fly. Andy reacts by giving her a thumbs up.
Honestly, you couldn't make this shit up.
Next week, the tour of South Australia continues and one man is allegedly keeping a multi-million dollar secret. The suspense is killing me already.
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