Catching Up: Part Two

Sam holds Rebekah tightly so she stops twitching.

From the big strawberry, we move to Orange, NSW, where two unsuspecting young men are about to meet a fate worse than death. Mitch is a farmer and Sam is a PE teacher, the girls are still themselves and the group dates involve crutching sheep and ten pin bowling.

Mitch thinks Renee is a top bird, and one of the new girls Nikki (who has taken over from Downteeth Abbey as our token swept-to-the-side hair wearer) can handle a sheep’s bum effectively which impresses Mitch.  Renee is back after the medical emergency with her grandfather, which I am maintaining was an escape route from the Door Enemy cactus farmer. Her grandfather wants her to find love in a hopeless place, so she got back on the bus to Orange. Renee and Nikki are the luckiest girls in the world as they secure a one on one date with Mitch.

Meanwhile at the bowling arena, Sam promises a kiss to whoever scores a strike. And as fate would have it, Boobs Rebekah aka Princess Mary knocks all the pins down and goes in for the kiss. They also take pictures and kiss in a photo booth. That means she’s a shoo-in for a one on one date, and Magic Man Jess is also chosen, as Sam thinks she is the best looking girl there. In a bowling alley in Orange, I’d say the competition would be fairly light-on.

Sam takes Magic Man mountain biking, and then goes cherry-picking with Princess Mary. He gives her a rose and they kiss in the orchard. It is around this moment she breaks it to the swarthy sportsman – she doesn’t care about sports at all. With breasts like that, a simple jog would pose extreme risks.

Renee and Mitch ride a mechanical bull, which consists of Mitch actually riding it, and Renee getting on and falling off before it’s even started its rotation. Nikki the personal trainer gets a ride in Mitch’s tractor and they go swimming at Orange’s Bondi Beach, aka Mitch’s dam. He says, “you could bounce a quarter off her butt” but Nikki won’t give him a kiss on the first date, despite this most genuine of compliments. Mitch takes the girls to his man-cave, where Renee has the sulks because she immediately knew she liked Mitch but he won’t commit to telling her which girl he likes best. He’s confused, and it makes for excellent viewing as the three of them sit silently in the shed.

Meanwhile, Magic Man has seen the boobs flying between Sam and Princess Mary, and decides to bow out of the race. He wants Princess Mary to stay, and she has a big decision on her hands. Does Orange have the necessary lingerie requirements for her busty needs?

The next morning, Mitch claps at his girls to wake up from sleeping on a mattress on the floor. No expense spared in the quest for love. Renee is putting extreme pressure on Mitch, saying she won’t stay unless he says he likes her better than Nikki. SAY IT MITCH, get her off that bus.

Decision time arrives, and the search for Magic Man continues in the next town, while Princess Mary stays with Sam and now we will be spared some of that head twitching she calls flirting. Mitch declares his love for Renee, so Nikki says she is getting back on the bus. Renee and her deep voice have found a happy home in Orange, and we are two more girls down.

Next episode, which will air in the form of a three-hour torture session, sees a girl returning who has already gotten off the bus in one of the first towns. Who could it be? Once again, the suspense is killing me. Until then dear reader, never give up in the quest for love, and if a big black bus comes to pick you up, run away immediately.