Farmer Wants A Happy Ending

The annual 'Cheers to Love' gets underway in the Hunter Valley.

For nearly ten wonderful years, Farmer Wants A Wife has been helping the desperados of our great wide land find love on television. Hashtag achieving. Will this season prove to be as fruitful as those who have gone before? First, let’s watch a montage of the journey so far, complete with awkward pashes, sweeping landscapes and the promise of the McClymonts singing a love song. I can barely wait.

As the sun rises on the girls’ last day on the farms, our heroes are facing the biggest decision of all – who do they go and visit in the city, and should they wear city clothes or an Akubra and giant belt buckle while strolling down a crowded city street? Chopper says goodbye to the Blonde Giggler and Long Brown Hair who both say they are falling in ‘the L word’. He is anxious and confused as they drive away, but the good news is he can now get back to talking to himself. Old mate Mr Darcy is talking to his best mate Greg about his decision. Greg is like, geez Darcy, I just wanted a fucking Schmacko! Give me my treat already! He has feelings for both of his girls, however his girls are less certain about where their curly haired Lothario stands. Spade a Spade Julz is already set on his lady – it’s Mel of the Purple/Red Hair, and the beautician who lost is jovial and upbeat about her imminent return to waxing people’s hairy bikini lines.

Now, it’s reunion day in the Hunter Valley, and the boys gather once more to cheers to love. Some of them have had haircuts, but Lachie hasn’t yet undergone an ear reduction. Sam comes in to ask how the boys are feeling and cannot wait to hear stories about each of their journeeeeez. She steals Spade a Spade first to get the lowdown, giving him the extra time she needs to get a translator in. His city break to visit Mel begins in a Corolla, and a kiss at her front door. They look at a few boats and cheers to love with an espresso martini. She has come to the Hunter Valley and it looks like we are kicking off this reunion with a love story. Mel describes Spade a Spade as the most adorable and proud man she’s ever met, he looks embarrassed but has a giant shit eating grin on his face when he introduces her to the other farmers.

Next to be grilled by the hostess with the most-est is Mr Darcy, who says he’s often followed his heart and this time is no different. He went and visited Kerry on the city break which was a confusing move. They do some form of martial arts and drink some champagne to try and explore their ‘connection’. Who did he invite to the Hunter? AD BREAK. Classic reality TV Show move, which means the trip to visit Kerry was a waste of time, and it’s obviously the other girl who will walk down the stairs. So who is it? SAM. I totally nailed that one, not that it’s about me. Mr Darcy and Sam look very happy together, and is quite diplomatic in respecting his decision not to visit her in the city. She loves his cheeky sense of humour and warmth, they are both excited to be on the journey towards love. He is falling for her and the other farmers are quite jealous.

Now for Farmer Big Ears. Is he truly looking for love or for fifteen minutes of fame? Since the city break where he met up with Belinda they have been in constant contact, and down she trots to meet Lachie and Sam ready to answer the grueling question – what does she like about Lachie? His sense of humour and that she got to hang out with the cows. She hopes to one day be staying at the farm, and Lachie says he will let her stay in the house. What a generous man. Everyone cheerses to dad jokes and happiness, as I begin to die a little inside.

Farmer Lance has goose bumps being back in the room where it all began, before he had been rejected by the ripsnorter and the one who never showed up to the farm. He strolls around a city looking lost, but finally knocks on a door where Lisa jumps out and strangles her man. She was so desperate for a knock at the door any delivery men in the area might want to watch out. They go out for a meal where Lance has some salt with a side of salmon. He asked Lisa to join him on the couch, yet just before they went in to film the finale, he pulled her aside to tell her how he feels. With a lot of time to think about things, he tells her they don’t have a connection and the goose bumps weren’t there. We see Lisa’s boobs, and her heart break on national television and she does well to not slap him across the face. Her search continues for Mr Right, perhaps Geoffrey Edelsten might be interested? Meanwhile, Farmer Lance’s search for love also goes on, he tells the boys he has no regrets as they are all floored that someone who continually referred to himself in the third person didn’t manage to find a television wife.

The little dairy farmer Adam is next to reveal how his search has panned out. He says it was quite a rollercoaster of ups and downs, confirming he has a solid understanding of the rollercoaster concept. He heads to the city in a tight white t-shirt to get his final boxes ticked. He’s chosen the blonde – as his mate said he would, which is quite surprising seeing as she was basically crazy from the start. They finally kiss as the sun sets, and then Hayley arrives to sit with Sam and her man. She says she’s never met someone so thoughtful and caring, meanwhile Mr Darcy can see the twinkle in Adam’s eye. Here’s hoping they do a butchery course together and live happily ever after.

Finally, we find out who Chopper went to visit in the city. He rocks up to see Long Brown Hair who is busy cooking a barbecue. What fortuitous timing! Chopper gets to meet the whole family, and they do a bit of skateboarding to seal the deal. Chopper cannot help but reveal his big set of teeth as he grins incessantly. At the end of this week, says Long Brown Hair, she is moving to the farm. Chopper says he is in love and he knows it, while LBH is 100 per cent in love also. He takes her to meet the other farmers, who all wonder if it’s too late to trade their choice in for a shot with LBH.

Well my friends, we’ve finally made it to the end. As The McClymonts sing us out, the boys reflect on their journey one last time saying things like it was ‘totes worthwhile’ and ‘amazeballs’. We didn’t get a final word from series star Greg the dog, but I feel confident that at the end of filming, he let out a relieved ‘woof’ and went and curled up by the fire, free once again to rule the roost. 

Farmer Wants To Embrace The Box

Farmer Lance and his first love catch up on old times.

Another week, another chance for some desperate bush bachelors to find love on the land. Tonight our heroes go on 24–hour dates, and we are told the farmers will make tough choices, like which of the girls to put down. I mean, take on a date, or something...

Preparing for the most romantic day yet, Adam needs to find out which of his potential wives is best for him, and chooses Taryn for a getaway. She hopes he will hold her hand, and with the experience he has had milking cows, perhaps some other body part. They go to some hot springs, see each other semi naked, then she pressures him for a kiss. Not the right time or place he says, and it becomes clear why we've barely seen him on the show. He suits up for dinner and she puts on a dress, they cheers to love and enjoy a nice dinner. Taryn then takes matters into her own hands and lays a smooch on the boy. They go home with huge smiles on their faces, and the blonde girl Hayley makes them a coffee, wishing she could poison it and kill them both, inherit the farm and a dairy dynasty. Thankfully she refrains and she and Adam go and drink cocktails instead on a little date to make up for him leaving her home.

Spade a Spade Julz has asked the beautician on a date. He's looking for a 'general spark'. They love hanging out with each other and enjoy a stroll along a beach. Their date must have been quite boring as next we see them coming home in Spade a Spade's Commodore. The other girl gets jealous but then gets asked on a date and all is right again. They have a candlelit dinner, and we learn Spade a Spade hasn't been able to forget about Melanie, he mutters some words with two or more syllables cos ya know, she's bloody great, like, ya know?

Mr Darcy chooses Samantha to go on a spa date, and Greg also comes along for a massage. Seriously, I'm not even making this up. We see Mr Darcy has a back tattoo, and it seems his lady is quite impressed by the effort he/and or a producer went to to spoil her at an 'eco lodge'. Greg cant wait for his glass of champagne by the toasty fire, however Mr Darcy does manage to dote on his lady before catering to the every whim of his furry friend. This leads to them sharing a vulnerable moment and several bodily fluids as Mr Darcy says he is just going to 'embrace the box'. Okay then. Mr Darcy and Kerry then go out to lunch and have a giggle, Greg wasn't invited to this one so I think it's clear to see who the favourite girl is. It ain't you Kez!

Lance and old sluz Lisa are on a date in tropical Queensland. She's soaking up the sun and planning on making Susie jealous, as she has been left at home to shovel shit. The old farts run/fall down a sand dune and do some sport of the moment, aka SUPing, or stand-up paddle boarding for those playing at home. Old fella says something about Lisa being genuine but really he's just ogling her fluorescent yellow bikini. They then go on a sunset booze cruise where Lance is happy he's ticking all of Lisa's boxes, and she is happy to have her box ticked. They arrive home to a frosty Susie who does a silent scream to vent her frustration. It was as lame as it sounds.

Farmer Big Ears cancels his farm stay early after the fight by the fire, and sends the girls packing. Kelly cannot wait to leave, but Belinda wants to stay and caress those sweet, sweet ears. She has to leave however, and both girls are waved off the farm by the dog who is looking forward to once again holding the full attention of his owner. After some time to think, Big Ears goes to surprise Belinda in her shop. He gives her flowers and they go for a walk and laugh about things that aren't funny.

Chopper takes Long Brown Hair to a special spot on the farm, AKA the closest waterhole they could find. LBH explains they have, like, totally like, got a connection. They kiss in the waterhole then can be seen wearing beanies and winter clothing as they sit on the bank with a cuppa. They then spend the night in a swag, and LBH says no one has ever done anything like that for her before. She says he is 150% 'the one', so it's lucky Chopper doesn't have to be the one to explain to her that isn't actually a viable mathematical equation. Chopper then sets up a table in the paddock with the Boring Giggler, she asks why she didn't get a gig for the long date. She tries to hide her devil eyes but doesn't really succeed.

Next time, on the SERIES FINAL, the boys head to the city and then back to the Hunter Valley to reveal if they really have found love, if it has lasted, and if Greg the dog can handle his liquor. 

Farmer Wants A Fight

Missing: If anyone has seen this farmer, please contact FWAW HQ ASAP. 

Another apology is in order for my legion of fans, I did watch last week’s episode but it was about as interesting as an episode of Farmer Wants A Wife. Wait a minute… So last week each of our Casanovas sent a woman packing (not a euphemism) and each farmer is now left courting two of the luckiest ladies in the country. Not only do they get to date a primary producer, these women are asked to mine the depths of their emotions (both of them) for reality TV. The promo material for this week’s episode has been nothing short of amazing. One of Chopper’s ‘ladies’ has a revelation which she spits out on the ad between her tears and long dark hair. “Like today it just hit me, like crap, I, like, I, I, need you,” she tells him. How will Chopper respond to this, the ultimate confession of love? Only time will tell.

Today it’s time for the last two girls to meet the families. Who better to make a decision for you? Adam takes his girls to a salon to get them tizzied up for the big meet and greet. But surprise, his mate’s wife owns the salon and is going undercover to screen them. She asks the tough questions like, ‘do you find him attractive?’ and ‘do you think he’s sexy?’. When the secret is revealed the girls don’t look too shocked, as the wife chooses Taryn to be Adam’s soul mate, while her husband chooses ‘the blonde’ cos she likes a beer and a parmy. Match made.

Mr Darcy takes his girls to the post office to check his PO Box. Then they go to play mini golf with the loser set to wash his ute all sudsy and semi-clad in clothing. Who is the real loser here? The girls deliver on the bet as they wash the car, carefully observed by Mr Darcy and his best mate Greg (the dog). Then our awkward hero whips his shirt off, leaving on his man jewellery, to finish off the job. Cringe. Mr Darcy’s mum puts the girls to work preparing food and performing a cross-examination as a gentle way to ease into the night. She’s keen for grandchildren and puts the hard word on both the girls who appear more than happy to jump into bed and start breeding baby Darcys at any given moment.

Chopper is busy doing Chopper things, like putting his girls to work fixing a windmill as the closest mini golf course is in Bali. April pretends to hypnotise a bull and cleans out a trough as she watches Chopper flirt with the Boring Giggler he kissed a couple of weeks ago. BG is loving her time at the bottom of the windmill, while Long Brown Hair can’t wait to go to the gym with him. As a ‘surprise’, Chopper takes BG for a ride in the helicopter. As it’s his JOB to be a helicopter pilot, I fail to see how this was in any way surprising. LBH and Chop Chop do a work out in his home gym as their first date. They wrestle to the ground and almost kiss as they are covered in sweat. But now, LBH has reached breaking point and says that the day has been a life changer. She starts to cry and tells Chopper she needs him and she gets him, he sees that she gets him. Then Chopper says he is hurting and that he could sit there for hours with her… is that love? I don’t know, it sounds like it could be a UTI.

Old Pred summons his ladies to do a messy job for him, they’re going to paint an old truck while he decides who to take on a date. They then go for a drive in the newly painted rig and wave their hats in the air. Old Pred and Susie go for a horse ride as he tries to feign interest in the whole process since his favourite broke his heart in a letter written with a Sharpie. They ride to a creek and have a picnic where they have wine and laugh at terrible jokes together. Then the horses ‘got away’ and the happy couple had to walk home while reminiscing about the great yarns they had just shared. Ain’t love grand? Old Pred then tries to look enthused as ol’ sluz Lisa wins a 24-hour date and hopefully some romance Lance style. Susie gets jealous that she wasn’t invited to feed the cows or go on a date and she plans to drink herself to sleep.

Big Ears Lachie and his ladies are getting ready for a barbecue, ready for this mama’s boy to introduce the potential new daughter in law. Belinda is feeling a bit put out since he got naked and had a massage on his verandah with the other girl, but reiterates she is willing to do whatever it takes for love. Like living with the biggest ears in Farmer history. The mum and grandma arrive early to get in on the scene, and it seems everyone loves each other except Kelly who looks bored. Granny thinks Belinda would be a very good wife, which means Big Ears will probably choose her as he can’t make a decision himself. Based on what his grandma says, Big Ears singles out Belinda and tells her he feels a connection. Now the chemistry is all happening, three cheers for grandmas! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Sensing she is fighting a losing battle, Kelly pulls Big Ears aside to ask him what’s up. They have a semi-fight next to a bonfire as he feels like he is under interrogation, and he tells Kelly his connection with Belinda is now clarified without any doubt.

Spade a Spade puts his two sheilas to work cleaning his tractor. As this is part of every contract ever signed by a farmer’s wife, it is essential they get this shit right. Can the girls use a hose and fulfil their wifely duties? Spade a Spade sees their friendly rivalry and considers a Sister Wife option as they spray down his New Holland, but it’s his mates who will hold the key as to which heart he might snag to be his own. The crew head into the pub in town, arriving to cheers and mugshots of Julz stuck up all over the walls. They each try to pour a beer as the ultimate test of who would make the most suitable wife.

Next week, Farmer Adam might actually be in the show, Greg the dog has an adventure in the big city and Big Ears Lachie looks for the perfect plot on the farm to bury a body.

Farmer Wants A Weekend

All the better to hear you with, my dear.

First off my dear readers, I will offer you an apology for not recapping episode three. Here is a brief summary – each of the hot studs from the land sent a woman they didn’t really care for anyway back to the city. Now that we are up to date, this week all the advertisements promised one of the hottest and steamiest episodes of Farmer Wants To Bump Uglies ever broadcast. I couldn’t wait to see the girls getting up close and personal with steaming piles of animal shit, but once again I have been let down by Sam and her band of merry farmer men. Alas, they all celebrated what is known as The Weekend, Farmer Style^TM. Apparently country boys know how to have fun too. Phew.

Tumby has more to offer than Julz calling a spade a spade, shovels and sheep. They have Segways too. The girls and guy zip around a vineyard like the thrill seekers they are. A beautician fell off and Julz throws down a witch’s hat as an offer of protection. The Beautician and Spade a Spade sit on a bench and feed some birds, I can understand the rosellas more than I can Julz without subtitles. He talks a bit and he could like Beautician but I’m not 100 per cent on that. Spade a Spade and Turkey Farmer Wannabe walk along the jetty and he asks how she feels about him having a child, she reassures him she loves playing barbies and they have a nice big hug.

The ‘Country Cutie’  Adam takes his girls to his favourite weekend destination – cooking school. They make some tortellini and the crazy butcher girl is getting jealous of the other girls he actually likes. They eat the pasta they have cooked and talk about being in love and what love means. Adsy wants to be a 75-year-old man with a wife he misses so much it’s unbearable. He doesn’t say much else but it’s enough for the girls to think he’s the one. Butcher girl then has a cry saying she doesn’t connect with elusive Adam, but she still wants to stay. Adam says he is ‘struggling’ to date three girls, with a giant shit-eating grin on his face.

What does Mr Darcy do on the weekend? He does a spot of photography, or rather one of the girls takes some romantic pictures of him and his dog Greg. I think we can quite confidently say Greg is currently the most interesting thing on this show. He is a wonderful model with an unbeatable zest for life. Can we find Greg a wife? The next stop for the gang is at a winery, and they talk about what they want. The topic of children is brought up subtly, and Samantha who is the most normal girl thinks they’re potential soul mates. I mean, he wants kids, she wants kids… IT’S A MATCH! They go for a walk in the vines, drink some wine and lay on a picnic blanket. He admits he is gutless and could never have asked her out if he came across her in the real world. In Farmer world though, a couple of wines and Mr Darcy may have found his girl, they kiss and pretty much seal the deal right on the blanket.

The work doesn’t stop on Chopper’s patch of land. He gets his sheilas to help unload a cattle truck. He takes the Stripper to his side of the truck to go at it while the other girls take the cattle off the truck… I mean, that could have been what happened, either way, they all got dirty and enjoyed it. In a shocking turn of events, one girl is actually hating her stint as a bonded labourer, but Chopper’s human rights radar is not working to its full potential due to the interference coming from his big white teeth. After a hot morning of work, the crew go to a river and strip down to next to nothing to splash about in the water. Chopper packed a ‘mean picnic’ which the Stripper loved as she stared at him and confessed to the camera how much she loves him already. Chopper has some alone time with his most boring girl, he uses the words ‘defense mechanisms’ as she struggles to form a sentence. It’s the smoothest move yet as those big white teeth lean in to kiss the Boring Giggler, who is more than happy to kiss him back.

Lachie’s ears are almost bigger than his giant head, but not perturbed by his disproportionate features, off he trots with his girls to the races. He invites his best mates who look old enough to be his father. Cousin Stu weighs in on the situation, reassuring the two blondes and a brunette that Leonidas is a good guy. They’ve shared a lot over the years, and that might be about to continue if Stu’s glances at the ladies are anything to go by. Stu is keen on Kelly who has a quick wit and probes Belinda as to whether she has some skeletons in the closet. No wonder Lachie needed to go on Married at First Sight, he can’t make a decision for himself. His panel of experts aren’t being very helpful but give him a few pep talks about how he might tackle the ear issue. The young blonde girl has also realised Lachie Leo’s ears are only going to get bigger with age, so she tells him she is peace-ing out to try and find someone her own age. Lachie Leo rues the loss, as his chance of scoring with a hot young blonde drives off into the yonder.

Old Predator #1 is in his element at a rodeo, the ‘ladies’ meet Cowboy Rob who has known Lance for 25 years, and trains them in the art of closing a gate. Such skills are important for a prospective farmer’s wife. Old Sluzza Lisa can’t wait to have a big wild animal between her legs… not an exact quote but a fairly accurate paraphrase. Some men ride some bulls and the girls are pumped, all except Karen who is clearly hating her life and hoping to be trampled by one of the bucking broncos. Lancey is about to hit rock bottom as Karen writes him a letter with a Sharpie, as clearly normal pens are hard to find in Rockhampton. She tells him she is leaving, and as the final salt in the wound he calls her Kaz and describes her as a ‘rip-snorter’. She doesn’t reconsider driving off into the sunset.

Next week, a farmer is described with an alliterative adjective and across the outback the fight for love gets fierce. Some hearts grow fonder, and some get clawed out by jealous girls wearing short denim shorts as they unload livestock in the Pilbara… but don’t quote me on that. 

Farmer Wants A Roll In The Hay - Part 1

Darcy wonders if any woman will ever want to call his oysters home.

As a long-time fan of watching lovelorn, isolated farmers date increasingly desperate women from the city, you would think I'd have been overjoyed at the prospect of back-to-back episodes of the latest series of the Farmer Wants A Shag. But it appears even ‘love’ has its limits, and it was only the thought of letting down my loyal readers that propelled me through the two-hour beige-fest of yester eve. The sun rises on another day on the land, and as we learnt last week, four women are about to arrive on six different farms around this great southern land some of us call ‘Straya’.

Cut to each of the farmers cleaning their respective abodes, for many of these houses it might be the first time a vacuum cleaner has graced their floors this decade. Mr Darcy has his mum helping him, and she not-so-subtly remarks she is looking forward to a grandchild. I hate to break the news that it might take a bit more than a clean floor, this combined with the fact Mr Darcy used the word ‘acquiesce’ correctly in a sentence guarantees he won’t be winning a reality TV show wife worthy of his mighty intellect.

In WA, four bimbos get off a plane to meet Chopper, with one of the girls already visualising being his wife. He shows them to their barracks and the life they have to look forward to living in the middle of nowhere, with the only interesting landmark anywhere in sight being Chopper’s teeth. It surely won’t be long until they’re named the eighth wonder of the world. He takes Amelia on a horse ride and puts an Akubra on her which means basically it’s a done deal. She says living in Sydney is boring, so obviously the Pilbara is the place for her.

Over on Lachie Leonidas’s patch of land, the girls are put to work straight away drafting cattle. They are so desperate that after he asks them to chase some heifers, one girl states she wants to be married to him with two kids. Foreplay, eh? He watches a sunset with Belinda the naturopath who thinks he’s pretty funny. His most impressive trait is that he can lift her onto and off of the back of a ute. That might come in handy. They kiss and think they have a connection.

Cowboy Lance aka The Predator appears to have a bladder problem, which accounts for him running giddily to the car and pouncing on his meat, I mean, women, with gay abandon. One of his women hasn’t shown up for ‘personal reasons’. My insider sources say she’s either dead or has been doing some Googling to find out what Lance is really all about. The Predator makes his remaining girls do some squats and lassoing, and continues to refer to himself in the third person.

Back in South Australia, we meet Mr Darcy’s dog Greg as the girls arrive.  One of the girls brought a treat for Greg but the real treat for Mr Darcy seems to be some creepy vag film work as the girls get into some wetsuits in preparation for doing whatever it is an oyster farmer does. They splash around a little bit and then one of the girls drops the bombshell that she doesn’t like seafood. SEEYA.

On Julz’s farm three girls watch him chop wood, getting all hot and bothered by their private lumberjack show. Then, his favourite girl walks up the driveway and The Lumberjack starts to get hot and bothered as he gives her the tour of his house. His other women get jealous and it’s almost as though they don’t realise they’ve signed up to compete for a man on national television. Lumberjack takes his fave Megan on a date in the haystack where she tells him her lifelong dream is to start a turkey farm. Gobble gobble… coincidentally that’s what happened later in the haystack. The other girls are back at the house are getting jealous, with a crazy blonde girl getting mad that a farmer stole her idea of a date in a hay shed. Get real lady.

Adam the dairy farmer is yet to be allocated a nickname, as he’s basically already been edited out of the show. One of his girls can’t deal with walking through mud so Adam takes them milking in the morning to be covered in cow shit as further punishment. He goes on a picnic with someone and we are told that a blossoming romance could be lost – to smallgoods. Obviously it isn’t, but it’s nice to think chilli salami could play such an integral role in a story of happily ever after. The show ends on a cliff-hanger, with Adam telling his girls to put dinner on hold to go and help a calving cow. If there’s one thing I know for certain, this could be the difference between a life of love, or a life alone. CHOOSE WISELY ADAM. Next episode will also see each farmer ask one girl to leave the farm, as asking more than one to leave wouldn’t make for very good television… or perhaps it would. Either way, bitches be going home.

TO BE CONTINUED

Finding Love Farmer Style

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – the time when love returns to the land, from where it has been missing for so long. Not since the ill-fated Love Bus^TM rolled around Australia transporting a load of desperate and dateless women has a farmer slept in such fear of Channel 9 and Natalie Graksdjfnwaouefnllskdueli knocking on his door and asking him if he’d like to “find love, farmer style”. I’m not exactly sure that would be safe prime-time viewing, but hey, I’m no expert.

Some guys with varying shades of brown hair surround a blonde country singer.

Although they have replaced Nat, it is comforting for long time viewers of Farmer Wants A Wife to know they haven’t replaced the writing team, with a the favourite farmer descriptors of red-hot, adorable and country cutie all dropped before the first commercial break. Just like wearing a favourite pair of slippers, FWAW is back, and I am home. On first viewing, it appears new host Sam is slightly more predatory than Nat, and she is looking the part as she welcomes the farmers after their long, natural and casual walk down a long path to the house. First to arrive is the “Helicopter Hottie”, Matt, who will forevermore be referred to as Chopper, more to do with his teeth than the fact he’s a helicopter pilot. Chopper loves the gym, but really wants to find someone to joyride with for the rest of his life. I’m dying in anticipation for the episode where Matt will confess to one of his girls, “I love you Claire, I love you even more than my chopper.” (McLeod’s Daughters reference, keep up.)

Next to arrive is Adam, here to find the good woman who makes him a good man. She’ll have to get past the Dalmatians first. He’s a dairy farmer, and Sam thinks he’s super cute so the bus full of girls about to pull up might need to watch their backs.

Julz the single dad from South Australia is a big deal at the Tumby Bay Bakery, but so are the pies so I think I’ll start planning a road trip. As he speaks my brain is confused, I think I need subtitles, but I did understand the part where he referred to his daughter as a “great little thing”. She jumped on a trampoline a bit to confirm this fact.

In waltzes Lance, who later in the show will display behaviour akin to grooming – and not the kind of grooming he uses on his horses. This cowboy is a serial hand-holder and is prepared to hold the right ladies’ hand at any time, even in the main street. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is, and I now have my plan for Valentine’s Day. Lance is particular about what he wants in a woman, in the day time she must wear jeans and a shirt with the collar up, but at night time, she should be able to wear a dress and heels. Us gals need a bit of instruction, so the eight lucky ladies he has chosen to meet had better start taking notes.

You know the romantic character women have lusted over for years and years, wondering when their dream man is going to walk from the water, shirt clinging to his effortless abs as he comes to claim you from your life of pride or prejudice? Meet Jedd, aka Mr Darcy in a wetsuit. His soul is tranquil around his oysters, and he’s looking for a cake with icing and sprinkles… delicious. Or greedy, you decide.

Last but definitely not least is everyone’s favourite brother from another reality show, Farmer Lachie. He’s chilling at home with his fluffy white dog after his marriage at first sight didn’t work out, and is back to have another crack. Judging by the reaction of the guys when they realise Lachie has arrived, if the girls don’t work out I’m sure Lance wouldn’t mind taking this bull for a ride.

The girls think farmers have better values and a bit more respect, but I wonder if they’d like to reconsider this as Lance gives his women the once over and says, “Great effort girls”. The speed dates begin and we learn Mr Darcy is not quite as smooth as he could appear, however he has a nice bonding moment with a girl who likes Game of Thrones. He continues to conduct interviews with varying success. Julz wings it and gets given a stubby holder which he is going to use to keep his drinks cold, then talks about shooting and other manly things. Lance gropes his ladies and asks to hold hands with all of his ladies. “Does that excite you?” he asks one, who feigns comfort while trying to remember the phone number for the local police station. Chopper is smiling so much his face might crack, and seems to be looking for a gym buddy. Snore. 101 Dalmatians talks about butchering courses with a girl with a hat on, and all the guys ask the obligatory, “so you’d be okay with living on a farm?”. Just say yes girls, we all saw what happened when Lachie moved to the city.

Cowboy Lance, aka Predator #1, continues to talk about himself in third person and when one of the women asks if he wants a barmaid, he says no, he wants gunslingers and whores. He’s definitely got one of those ticked off. Lachie meets a girl called Belinda who he thinks he has chemistry with… I might be biased but I think she’s the one. I think a few other things happen on the dates but it’s all a bit boring and we just want to get to the good part where four ladies are allowed to escape and four are chosen to go to the farms. The boys make their choices, one of Mr Darcy’s girls decides she’s not his Elizabeth Bennett before he gets a chance to open his mouth, which is made out to be way more dramatic than it actually is. The girls who aren’t chosen show varying degrees of disappointment and relief, although one of Lachie’s girls aka Married At First Sight Wife 2.0 tries to hold back the tears of desperation. All the girls who are chosen think they have found the ‘one’. This is going to be great.

Looking forward to next week, the farmers have to get the girls out of bed early in the morning, LOL, and wrestle in mud and cow shit, and Sam turns up to tell Lance the production team has finally received his criminal history check. It’s all part of the journey to love, Farmer Style^TM.