Farmer Wants A Fight

Missing: If anyone has seen this farmer, please contact FWAW HQ ASAP. 

Another apology is in order for my legion of fans, I did watch last week’s episode but it was about as interesting as an episode of Farmer Wants A Wife. Wait a minute… So last week each of our Casanovas sent a woman packing (not a euphemism) and each farmer is now left courting two of the luckiest ladies in the country. Not only do they get to date a primary producer, these women are asked to mine the depths of their emotions (both of them) for reality TV. The promo material for this week’s episode has been nothing short of amazing. One of Chopper’s ‘ladies’ has a revelation which she spits out on the ad between her tears and long dark hair. “Like today it just hit me, like crap, I, like, I, I, need you,” she tells him. How will Chopper respond to this, the ultimate confession of love? Only time will tell.

Today it’s time for the last two girls to meet the families. Who better to make a decision for you? Adam takes his girls to a salon to get them tizzied up for the big meet and greet. But surprise, his mate’s wife owns the salon and is going undercover to screen them. She asks the tough questions like, ‘do you find him attractive?’ and ‘do you think he’s sexy?’. When the secret is revealed the girls don’t look too shocked, as the wife chooses Taryn to be Adam’s soul mate, while her husband chooses ‘the blonde’ cos she likes a beer and a parmy. Match made.

Mr Darcy takes his girls to the post office to check his PO Box. Then they go to play mini golf with the loser set to wash his ute all sudsy and semi-clad in clothing. Who is the real loser here? The girls deliver on the bet as they wash the car, carefully observed by Mr Darcy and his best mate Greg (the dog). Then our awkward hero whips his shirt off, leaving on his man jewellery, to finish off the job. Cringe. Mr Darcy’s mum puts the girls to work preparing food and performing a cross-examination as a gentle way to ease into the night. She’s keen for grandchildren and puts the hard word on both the girls who appear more than happy to jump into bed and start breeding baby Darcys at any given moment.

Chopper is busy doing Chopper things, like putting his girls to work fixing a windmill as the closest mini golf course is in Bali. April pretends to hypnotise a bull and cleans out a trough as she watches Chopper flirt with the Boring Giggler he kissed a couple of weeks ago. BG is loving her time at the bottom of the windmill, while Long Brown Hair can’t wait to go to the gym with him. As a ‘surprise’, Chopper takes BG for a ride in the helicopter. As it’s his JOB to be a helicopter pilot, I fail to see how this was in any way surprising. LBH and Chop Chop do a work out in his home gym as their first date. They wrestle to the ground and almost kiss as they are covered in sweat. But now, LBH has reached breaking point and says that the day has been a life changer. She starts to cry and tells Chopper she needs him and she gets him, he sees that she gets him. Then Chopper says he is hurting and that he could sit there for hours with her… is that love? I don’t know, it sounds like it could be a UTI.

Old Pred summons his ladies to do a messy job for him, they’re going to paint an old truck while he decides who to take on a date. They then go for a drive in the newly painted rig and wave their hats in the air. Old Pred and Susie go for a horse ride as he tries to feign interest in the whole process since his favourite broke his heart in a letter written with a Sharpie. They ride to a creek and have a picnic where they have wine and laugh at terrible jokes together. Then the horses ‘got away’ and the happy couple had to walk home while reminiscing about the great yarns they had just shared. Ain’t love grand? Old Pred then tries to look enthused as ol’ sluz Lisa wins a 24-hour date and hopefully some romance Lance style. Susie gets jealous that she wasn’t invited to feed the cows or go on a date and she plans to drink herself to sleep.

Big Ears Lachie and his ladies are getting ready for a barbecue, ready for this mama’s boy to introduce the potential new daughter in law. Belinda is feeling a bit put out since he got naked and had a massage on his verandah with the other girl, but reiterates she is willing to do whatever it takes for love. Like living with the biggest ears in Farmer history. The mum and grandma arrive early to get in on the scene, and it seems everyone loves each other except Kelly who looks bored. Granny thinks Belinda would be a very good wife, which means Big Ears will probably choose her as he can’t make a decision himself. Based on what his grandma says, Big Ears singles out Belinda and tells her he feels a connection. Now the chemistry is all happening, three cheers for grandmas! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Sensing she is fighting a losing battle, Kelly pulls Big Ears aside to ask him what’s up. They have a semi-fight next to a bonfire as he feels like he is under interrogation, and he tells Kelly his connection with Belinda is now clarified without any doubt.

Spade a Spade puts his two sheilas to work cleaning his tractor. As this is part of every contract ever signed by a farmer’s wife, it is essential they get this shit right. Can the girls use a hose and fulfil their wifely duties? Spade a Spade sees their friendly rivalry and considers a Sister Wife option as they spray down his New Holland, but it’s his mates who will hold the key as to which heart he might snag to be his own. The crew head into the pub in town, arriving to cheers and mugshots of Julz stuck up all over the walls. They each try to pour a beer as the ultimate test of who would make the most suitable wife.

Next week, Farmer Adam might actually be in the show, Greg the dog has an adventure in the big city and Big Ears Lachie looks for the perfect plot on the farm to bury a body.