Farmer Wants A Happy Ending

The annual 'Cheers to Love' gets underway in the Hunter Valley.

For nearly ten wonderful years, Farmer Wants A Wife has been helping the desperados of our great wide land find love on television. Hashtag achieving. Will this season prove to be as fruitful as those who have gone before? First, let’s watch a montage of the journey so far, complete with awkward pashes, sweeping landscapes and the promise of the McClymonts singing a love song. I can barely wait.

As the sun rises on the girls’ last day on the farms, our heroes are facing the biggest decision of all – who do they go and visit in the city, and should they wear city clothes or an Akubra and giant belt buckle while strolling down a crowded city street? Chopper says goodbye to the Blonde Giggler and Long Brown Hair who both say they are falling in ‘the L word’. He is anxious and confused as they drive away, but the good news is he can now get back to talking to himself. Old mate Mr Darcy is talking to his best mate Greg about his decision. Greg is like, geez Darcy, I just wanted a fucking Schmacko! Give me my treat already! He has feelings for both of his girls, however his girls are less certain about where their curly haired Lothario stands. Spade a Spade Julz is already set on his lady – it’s Mel of the Purple/Red Hair, and the beautician who lost is jovial and upbeat about her imminent return to waxing people’s hairy bikini lines.

Now, it’s reunion day in the Hunter Valley, and the boys gather once more to cheers to love. Some of them have had haircuts, but Lachie hasn’t yet undergone an ear reduction. Sam comes in to ask how the boys are feeling and cannot wait to hear stories about each of their journeeeeez. She steals Spade a Spade first to get the lowdown, giving him the extra time she needs to get a translator in. His city break to visit Mel begins in a Corolla, and a kiss at her front door. They look at a few boats and cheers to love with an espresso martini. She has come to the Hunter Valley and it looks like we are kicking off this reunion with a love story. Mel describes Spade a Spade as the most adorable and proud man she’s ever met, he looks embarrassed but has a giant shit eating grin on his face when he introduces her to the other farmers.

Next to be grilled by the hostess with the most-est is Mr Darcy, who says he’s often followed his heart and this time is no different. He went and visited Kerry on the city break which was a confusing move. They do some form of martial arts and drink some champagne to try and explore their ‘connection’. Who did he invite to the Hunter? AD BREAK. Classic reality TV Show move, which means the trip to visit Kerry was a waste of time, and it’s obviously the other girl who will walk down the stairs. So who is it? SAM. I totally nailed that one, not that it’s about me. Mr Darcy and Sam look very happy together, and is quite diplomatic in respecting his decision not to visit her in the city. She loves his cheeky sense of humour and warmth, they are both excited to be on the journey towards love. He is falling for her and the other farmers are quite jealous.

Now for Farmer Big Ears. Is he truly looking for love or for fifteen minutes of fame? Since the city break where he met up with Belinda they have been in constant contact, and down she trots to meet Lachie and Sam ready to answer the grueling question – what does she like about Lachie? His sense of humour and that she got to hang out with the cows. She hopes to one day be staying at the farm, and Lachie says he will let her stay in the house. What a generous man. Everyone cheerses to dad jokes and happiness, as I begin to die a little inside.

Farmer Lance has goose bumps being back in the room where it all began, before he had been rejected by the ripsnorter and the one who never showed up to the farm. He strolls around a city looking lost, but finally knocks on a door where Lisa jumps out and strangles her man. She was so desperate for a knock at the door any delivery men in the area might want to watch out. They go out for a meal where Lance has some salt with a side of salmon. He asked Lisa to join him on the couch, yet just before they went in to film the finale, he pulled her aside to tell her how he feels. With a lot of time to think about things, he tells her they don’t have a connection and the goose bumps weren’t there. We see Lisa’s boobs, and her heart break on national television and she does well to not slap him across the face. Her search continues for Mr Right, perhaps Geoffrey Edelsten might be interested? Meanwhile, Farmer Lance’s search for love also goes on, he tells the boys he has no regrets as they are all floored that someone who continually referred to himself in the third person didn’t manage to find a television wife.

The little dairy farmer Adam is next to reveal how his search has panned out. He says it was quite a rollercoaster of ups and downs, confirming he has a solid understanding of the rollercoaster concept. He heads to the city in a tight white t-shirt to get his final boxes ticked. He’s chosen the blonde – as his mate said he would, which is quite surprising seeing as she was basically crazy from the start. They finally kiss as the sun sets, and then Hayley arrives to sit with Sam and her man. She says she’s never met someone so thoughtful and caring, meanwhile Mr Darcy can see the twinkle in Adam’s eye. Here’s hoping they do a butchery course together and live happily ever after.

Finally, we find out who Chopper went to visit in the city. He rocks up to see Long Brown Hair who is busy cooking a barbecue. What fortuitous timing! Chopper gets to meet the whole family, and they do a bit of skateboarding to seal the deal. Chopper cannot help but reveal his big set of teeth as he grins incessantly. At the end of this week, says Long Brown Hair, she is moving to the farm. Chopper says he is in love and he knows it, while LBH is 100 per cent in love also. He takes her to meet the other farmers, who all wonder if it’s too late to trade their choice in for a shot with LBH.

Well my friends, we’ve finally made it to the end. As The McClymonts sing us out, the boys reflect on their journey one last time saying things like it was ‘totes worthwhile’ and ‘amazeballs’. We didn’t get a final word from series star Greg the dog, but I feel confident that at the end of filming, he let out a relieved ‘woof’ and went and curled up by the fire, free once again to rule the roost.