A wise man once said to me, “This show should be called ‘The Farmer Needs A Life’”. Yes, Dad, but if they already had lives the show wouldn’t be half as interesting.
Nat introduces the show and speaks of jackpots and gambling, and I think maybe the farmers get to go to the casino tonight to try their luck on the tables. But, as Nat eventually gets to the point, it seems the only thing our farmers will perhaps be winning is the GAME OF LOVE.
This week Farmer Melia is shown in a bit more depth, but still the most interesting thing she does is to swill her wine and smile in the opening credits. She puts her men to work fixing a fence while she fondly remembers the comedian that had to leave because his arm was in a sling. Bet she turns up on his doorstep. The Scottish Engineer (read: bore), talks and even though you can’t understand what he’s saying, it roughly translates to, “Dude, I’m just here for a visa!”.
They go whale watching as a ‘reward’ for fixing the fence, the whales are more interesting than Melia, which is saying something. Then Missing A sets her boys a challenge – to put together a dinner party for her friends. The non-Scotsman actually really likes Missing A, but then in preparation for the party he puts red roses in wine bottles as decorations and cooks the barbecue while Kilt Head mingles with the guests. For someone who appears to be quite uninspiring, Missing A (decked out in a kimono) sure does have a lot of friends.
There is quite a lot of talk about ‘city singles’ during the program, enough to play a drinking game. I didn’t, but if I had, I would have been unconscious by 8pm.
Mr Potato Head is still taking advantage of the two extra pairs of hands his girls have, and not in a kinky way, in an, “I’ll get you girls to clean out the trough” way. They have a shit time, and then he whisks the Carnivore away for a day out in downtown Gordon. He takes her on the “scenic route” along the one street in the town, and they end up at the pub where he introduces her to his mates. Seems all the hotties are hanging out in Gordon. Then Mr PH takes Carnivore to look at the dream house he wants to do up which is very stately and picturesque, that’s what we like, a vegetable with vision.
Then he tells her he can see a future with her, something he’s never said to a girl before (but to plenty of potatoes), and she laughs awkwardly and pretends to feel the same way. At this stage it looks like Vego is out of the race, she isn’t shown at all except for when both girls make him a surprise dinner and blindfold him (again, not in a kinky way) before unveiling the candlelit setting at the dinner table. Who will he choose? Wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up at finale with Sarah Hanson-Young. He’s so random that’s a possibility.
Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is such a dream for Prince Charles. He thinks he’s found the one in Donna and he takes her for a jaunt down the river in a rowboat.
They sit on the bank of the river and Charles feels he has to come clean and tells his ladylove he kissed Lucie and that’s the real reason she was frightened off back to the city.
Not really, but it would make for a more interesting story, as Dopey Donna tells him he’s a wonderful person and he dissolves into tears after saying words like ‘eloquent’ and ‘articulate’ and ‘she gets me’. What a sook.
It doesn’t end there. If Donna was under any illusion Charles wasn’t a retard in aluminium foil rather than a knight in shining armour, his reciting poetry next to a campfire on their last night of the farm stay should dispel any confusion.
FahmahBen is more confused than ever. Having now pashed both beige girls, he tells us he doesn’t know what to think because this is such a weird situation. Weird, just weird. You don’t say? He records his video diary in a room that has about 50 encyclopedias in it, dude needs to hook up with the world wide web. Beige 2 is wanting confirmation that their saliva swap was worth the risk, but he tells her he also kissed Beige 1 and doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Beige 1 is one of the most annoying people ever to walk the planet, and is all up in our faces corralling cattle and saying, “Pick me, pick me!”.
Then she sits in a wheelbarrow for some reason. Shame no one came and wheeled her away. FahmahBen takes both of his beiges to watch a sunset at his favourite spot on the property. He tells the girls, “You can see as far as the eye can see”, which is the case in most situations. None of this helps him make up his mind and he is likely to turn up at the finale with no one. Or both of them. Who would know? Certainly not Cheeke-chahmahFahmahBen.
About this time I’m wondering where the Hot Horseman is, then he appears, on a horse. Gold Coast Orange wants to learn to ride a horse because apparently this is the only thing they haven’t got in common. She must have a longhorn tattoo on her back, too. Eyes has gone home because there is a nurse shortage where she works, what a trouper. She hugs Kieran goodbye as they stand near a foal. Must remember he’s the Hot Horseman after all! She drives off and HH is left alone with Gold Coast. He teaches her to ride a horse and she feels relieved. Her fake tan didn’t rub off against her jodhpurs. They go into town to HH’s fave restaurant, located next to a Beaurepairs and a Holden dealership. C-larsy.
Gold Coast looks jaundiced, except for her face, and I do not like the way this is going. Gold Coast will never fit in on the farm or in that nice homestead. It deserves a real woman to be taking care of it. All signs are pointing to this union going ahead. Let’s just hope the eyes really do have it. Team Eyes.
And that brings us to Buck Melanoma. Ah, Buck. Much like Mr Potato Head, Buck is relishing the opportunity of having a couple of pairs of extra hands to share the load. He gets the girls hosing down bananas. It would be too easy to insert a joke here.
Buck says working around the bananas he started to relax around Emily. Okay, that’s just weird. Then he goes to find Peroxide Barbie sitting in his backyard, and he tells her he has feelings for his sister. They high-five, and PB takes it like a champion and effervesces off back home. Then, Buck and the girl he called placid take a walk to a waterfall where they frolic in the water and kiss and grope each other. Buck thinks the day has been a success. He says by being around Emily he has learnt some of the things she likes (a novel concept) and decides to spoil her with a dinner.
Again they ‘cheers’, but this time it’s not over a barramundi. Then they suck each other’s faces, and Placid Emily tries to bite off his mole. They end up at the hospital where he has to have several stitches and she has a rabies injection. (This never happened but it would have made for good viewing – producers take note.)
Nat asks us, ‘Who will get their final night fantasy?’. Did Ben get his threesome? Did Mr Potato Head get a few more troughs cleaned out? Did Charles finally get all his whites washed? Did Melia finally find her missing A? Did Buck set Emily another fruit cooking challenge? Did Kieran finally see Gold Coast without a spray tan? I guess we’ll never know.
Next week the farmers head to the city and then to catch up with Nat who will bore them with more love metaphors before pretending to be surprised at who they’ve brought with them. All in the GAME OF LOVE.
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