Let me preface this review by saying out of the many things in life I hate, cycling and television shows that revolve around cooking are in the top five.
From Ready, Steady, Cook to Huey’s Cooking Adventures, to Masterchef and My Kitchen Rules, to Out of the Blue and The Cook and the Chef, Po’s Kitchen and the segments on Better Homes and Gardens with the chick who serves up plate after plate of lard and passes it off as food, if I see one of these programs come onto my television screen, I immediately change the channel.
Imagine my chagrin, then, that last night’s episode of The Farmer Wants A Threesome not only involved cycling (thankfully sans lycra), but also a faux-cooking contest where Buck Melanoma (BM) set his girls a ‘fruit challenge’.
BM, we are told, “lives and breathes tropical fruit”, which frees up a bit of oxygen for the rest of the world’s population. And I guess while technically I would like to call him an oxygen thief, he’s actually a tropical fruit thief, and is the real reason the price of bananas has skyrocketed recently. Y’all can lay of Yasi now!
Throughout this whole series, BM has looked as if he’s auditioning for the role of game-show host (if they brought back The Mole, he’d be a shoe-in), and with all the talk of plating up and whatnot we might as well have chucked a cravat on him and hey, Preston! Watch your back!
In the fruit challenge, his sister kept it simple and made fruit salad, while Peroxide Barbie (PB) made some sort of smoothie along with another concoction, the “plating up” of which BM was so impressed with he decided to take her to the Great Barrier Reef. PB jumped up and down, effervescing as though she were a Berocca just submerged in a glass of water, and off they went. I think this date was mainly a ploy to see if PB would shut up – underwater with oxygen tanks etc makes for a peaceful date. After the swimming etc BM pretty much decides they are just mates (I think, the memory is a little hazy on this one), while PB thinks BM could go either way. Borderline personality disorder will do that.
Amongst the jargon thrown about tonight is talk of a ‘date with destiny, or a date with disaster?’ Hey Nat, how about a date with some new writers who can come up with a few more love clichés for you to bandy about like there’s no tomorrow? All in the QUEST FOR LOVE, we are told A MILLION TIMES.
Farmer Melia isn’t shown at all tonight, except to ride a horse with the Scotsman, and to say she can’t wait to get married so she can give her husband a horse. Warning: ALL POTENTIAL SUITORS RUN AWAY NOW!
Let’s turn our attention to Prince Charles, who is so confused he has spent the night alone, in his room, with only his thoughts. Much like what he has done for the last 30 years.
After the almost-proposal to Lucie he is wondering – did he make the wrong decision? Yes Charles, you did, but it’s not because you chose the wrong woman. It’s because you chose a woman, full stop. So he takes Donna on a picnic and it turns out to be quite nice, she finishes his sentences and they drink champagne.
Prince Charles has finally come to a decision, and “the emotions are a bit much,” he says, without any emotion. Donna is the one for him, he tells Lucie, who in her “gracious and generous manner” accepts this and trundles off back to the city, leaving Donna to coax Charles out of the closet and wash his whites on her own.
Meanwhile, in southern NSW, farmer Kieran is up and at ‘em ready to take his ladies to the Snowy Mountains.
“Rise and shine,” he says to the girls who are already awake, “pack smart, pack warm and pack small,” he adds. The Snowy Mountains are his “heaven” because he went there with his grandpa and there are horses there. Neigh! “This is the Blue Water Holes,” Kieran says, and the camera films a sign that says “Blue Water Holes”. Congrats mate, you can read. The blonde/orange girl is aiming to spend some alone time with Kieran so she walks into the middle of the creek and clambers up on a rock so her fake tan doesn’t wash off. He follows, and so does Miss Eyes, who falls into the water awkwardly.
Back at the cabin, blonde/orange decides she is going to win the farmer’s heart through his stomach, aiming to impress him by cooking a barbecue. She thinks she does quite well and I’m sure she did. Is that the only sausage she got to play with that night? I guess we’ll never know. Miss Eyes looks a bit forlorn, wondering why she didn’t think of cooking the barbecue instead.
Now I’m no caterer, but for three people, I’d be cooking ten sausages – max. We are shown blonde/orange cooking the barbie, and I shit you not, there is about THIRTY sausages on the hotplate. FOR THREE PEOPLE. Were they expecting guests? Perhaps cooking up a bit of a sausage sizzle for all the hungry hermits hiding out in the Snowies? Puh-lease.
Mr Potato Head has once again put his girls to work, sorting sheep to be taken to market. Naturally, as he’s the most experienced one this type of work, he stands there and watches while the girls flap about in the yards.
Then, as if giving a school report, he decides that because Miss Vegetarian has done so well at all the other tasks he’s set her, she’s ready to go to market! They get there and it’s obvious she’s not ready, she hyperventilates and walks around saying ‘don’t talk to me’. He doesn’t, and he wouldn’t have anyway.
They get home from market and the Vego goes for a walk to think about things, she comes back and says her conscience won’t let her continue to be a part of what she saw today so she’s going home.
(The other girl immediately bursts into tears and on the inside is screaming, “Don’t leave me alone with Mr PH and his psycho laugh! PLEASE! WAAAAAAAAAHHH.”)
Then Mr Potato Head has a talk to Vego and tells her to harden up and deal with it because he wants her to stay. Amazingly, she hears him out and decides to follow his advice. Who knew he had it in him? Best leave her to deal with digging up the ‘taters.
And that brings us to Osama bin FahmahBen, and his cycling enclave of beige. Both girls seem to be a bit antsy tonight, especially the one he pashed in his header last week. She wants to rule the roost, and is less than happy when FahmahBen chooses Beige 2 to go on a date to his mate’s winery. GREAT plan, get her drunk and see if she has a personality!
After cycling around Clare, FahmahBen and Beige 2 go to the winery and they chill out on a boat on the lake, where B2 tells him ducks mate for life. He likes that she knows random facts like this, and is excited at the possibility of learning more from her. She’s like a walking, talking, bit of paper of the back of a Libra sanitary napkin.
Then they share some wine and a meal, and they still don’t say much. B1 is shown back at home having dinner for one. Something I suggest she gets used to. Back at the winery, B2 has loosened up enough to admit she likes FahmahBen, and he sings with joy at this newfound information. Then he goes in for the kiss, and they both seem to enjoy it. FahmahBen likes it because he, “hasn’t had a kiss from anyone in a while.” Um, so what was the action last week then?
Anyway, the show winds up with FahmahBen and B2 kissing, and Nat asking if they had just tasted the essential ingredient to love? If by “essential ingredient” you mean another person’s saliva, then yes, I think they have.
Next week: Farmer Melia does something.
No comments:
Post a Comment