William & Kate: A Modern Day Cringe Inducing Work Of Fiction

This week I threw caution to the wind and wasted two hours of my life watching the drivel that purported to be based on ‘real life’ events, William & Kate: A Modern Day Fairy Tale. The title alone is insulting to fairy tales, as is the disclaimer the movie is based on real life events. It took no longer than 30 seconds before the pain began. From the stilted, simplistic dialogue coming from the mouths of the worst look-alikes in cinematic (I use that world loosely) history, to the point where Wills’ attempted a serenade to win Kate’s heart, I did at one point consider slitting my wrists and calling an ambulance. But then I would have missed cameos by Jessica Simpson and Charles Shaughnessy aka Mr Sheffield from The Nanny.

If any of the events in this movie actually happened, I will eat my hat, which will be a) difficult to digest, and b) difficult to explain. And if you’re going to make a biopic, try to find some cast members even slightly resembling the real life humans they are portraying. So as we all know, William goes to university with a full head of hair and a gumby looking face. An Australian actor applies to be his wingman and gets the job. Just like that.

“Why do I need a wingman,” William asks?

How about because you’re the future King of fucking England? You can’t be letting just any slapper in to carry on up your Buckingham. And who better to help sort the wheat from the chaff than a former Neighbours actor with an intermittent English accent?

William sees Kate Middleton running at 6am and then joins her running group and they run together trying to evade his bodyguards, who can run too. Squares. They become friends but she is going out with a rat-faced snark named Trevor and Wills pashes on with some hot blonde. But, after seeing Kate in her underwear, their fate is sealed and he realises she is ‘hot’ and tries to kiss her. She pulls away and their dance continues. Will is faced with a hard decision – should he stay where he is or transfer to a university closer to home? He talks about it with Prince Charles and Prince Harry, both of whom look like they belong in a Little Britain sketch rather than the royal family.

Turns out, Will stayed at the same uni, moved in with a bunch of flat mates (including Kate), tried to cook lasagne, had a party, finally hooked up with Kate, they move in together for their final year and have deep conversations about expectations and red socks in a load of white laundry. At some point he met the Middletons, who are so normal they eat breakfast in their pyjamas, and she met Prince Charles, and everything goes along alright until something happens, like he ignores her or has to perform a state visit and she has a howl and they break up. Then they get back together when she is training for a rowing charity event by standing in the back of the boat and giving directions. She dives into the murky waters of the river and swims to her prince. So true to life.

Oh, that’s right, because the tabloids have dubbed her ‘Waitie Katie’ she goes out and gets photographed having a good time at a friend’s birthday and dancing with an old creep. The fake tabloids mocked up in this movie are god-awful. It ain’t that hard to knock up a brochure in Publisher people, heck, even Paint would do a better job.

If there was a highlight to this piece of trash, it was when William went to ‘Africa’ to help the poor suffering black children. I counted three. And Africa looked like an idyllic paradise, with a tent and a lake. Where can I buy a ticket?! Throughout the entire thing you knew where it was leading – the proposal. Now, as this is a piece of fiction (there’s no point pretending otherwise) the makers of this film could have had an absolute field day. Let your imaginations run wild! But instead, they took the actors on location to ‘Kenya in a studio’, where the faux sunset provided the perfect opportunity for Wills to drop to one knee and pull out Diana’s ring. This scene was filmed completely without words. WITHOUT WORDS! Which I suppose should have come as a welcome relief, but in actual fact, this is what we had all been waiting to hear… how does the second in line to the throne ask his beloved to marry him? We still don’t know! Fade to black.

I woke up this morning thinking it had all been a bad dream, and it had, but it hadn’t. It is disturbing to think what a waste of resources this telemovie is. There are people suffering all over the world, from poverty, malnutrition, AIDS, Nickelback listeners. For the Modern Day Fairy Tale to inflict even more pain on those already carrying an unbearably heavy load is a right royal shame.

No, My Kitchen Rules.

As I may have mentioned previously, my aversion to cooking shows is almost as great as Altiyan Childs’ apparent aversion to using shampoo. Happening to catch the last five minutes of My Kitchen Rules on Tuesday this week did little to change my feelings. Having watched no more than five minutes of this program throughout what has seemed to be a never-ending season, I cannot pertain to be an authority on the series in any capacity whatsoever. But, I will use it as a platform to outline my disdain for, and disbelief of the fact, that for some reason people enjoy watching other people cook on television.

It appears this is not a new idea. There are so many hours dedicated to cooking programs, it is amazingTwo And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory ever get any airtime. But what motivates a person to get into the kitchen with the only reward being a supposed ‘first class chef’ giving you a number out of ten at the end of it? And what does that number really mean? “I give you a five out of ten,” Manu will say in his French accent, as women across the country swoon at the combination of his swarthiness and phonetics, regardless of whether they can understand him or not. What he is really saying is, “Your food was okay, but you’re a massive wanker so I’m giving you a five. If you want anything more than that, stop pretending you are Elvis and get back behind the fry pan.”

I am like anyone else, I enjoy going out for a meal every now and again and I also enjoy eating. But I don’t need to know how the food came to be stacked on my plate, nor how many times it was dropped, prodded or spat on before arriving at the table. I also don’t need this process to be televised. I have seen first hand how much swearing goes down in a dairy when trying to get cattle to cooperate, I imagine an industrial kitchen with its many staff is much the same.

The worst is Ready Steady Cook, if only for the lack of punctuation in the title (but that’s a whole other issue). This show challenges its guests to throw the chefs a curve ball, by presenting them with a combination of obscure ingredients and asking them to fashion something edible out of it. Which is very realistic when you think about it, because how often have you gone to the fridge and pantry, only to realise the last things left are some prosciutto, bread crumbs and a carton of off milk? Then you don’t panic, it’s all good, because RSC has taught you the life skills to be able to deal with such situations! But because crumbed prosciutto in a sour milk jus is as unappealing as it sounds, you end up going out to buy takeaway. Then, as if being judged with a number wasn’t bad enough, on RSC, the audience holds up a picture of a tomato or a capsicum, and whichever team has more, wins. “I’ve got more tomatoes than you, na, na, na na na!” Welcome back to primary school.

Maybe the only cooking show I ever enjoyed was Surprise Chef, mainly because Aristos appeared to be slightly unhinged which added an element of danger to an already shady premise. The poor, unsuspecting shoppers who had a camera shoved in their faces and a home visit from a chef, who the proceeded to rummage through their belongings, always made for entertaining viewing. I wonder what Aristos is doing now? Perhaps we’ll see him audition for the next series of Masterchef.

Farmer Wants A Finale, March 30

As I was eagerly anticipating the finale of the Farmer Wants A Wife, I found myself also overcome with sadness at the thought it would be some months before I again get to hear of how the love drought and the game of love is progressing.
This program is an important study of human nature, and during the season I have learnt a lot about love and also about life. 


For example, did you know ducks mate for life?  And that a farmer can be friends with a vegetarian in spite of ingrained prejudices? So many social barriers have crashed to the ground this season, it is simply astounding. My weeks just shan’t be the same without the love stricken farmers gracing my screen, and while my life may in fact improve because of this, I will miss the set up dates and opportunities for topless farmers nonetheless. 


Nat once again drones on about the love game and fairytale endings and diet coke and how she is jealous of the girls who get to hook up with the farmers and why can’t it be her finding love on the land? WHY? “Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, my life is so crap I only get to host a show on television and be flown around to cool places to talk to hot farmers. But it all means nothing because I can’t have deep conversations with them about my favourite hair treatment and eyeliner because it would be unprofessional for me to put the ‘ho’ in host.”


Then she introduces the farmers going on their ‘city break’ to visit their chosen one. 


Predictably, Buck Melanoma goes to visit his sister aka Emily, and to show the depths of his love for her, he gives her a watch. She looks at it and counts the time until she can escape his evil clutches. They talk about the distance between the tropical fruit farm and Melbourne. Good thing I say. If he snaps and goes mental it will be at least a day before he turns up on your doorstop with a machete wanting blood, giving her enough time to go into witness protection. 


Then this chick farmer goes to visit someone… who is she again? She’s been given about five minutes of airtime all season. One thing I must say she’s got going for her, is that Missing A has the looking puzzled/wistful down pat. She’s shown with this expression about fifteen times before she rocks up at the emo comedian’s house. His arm is still in a sling. I’m in so much shock I faint, and awake to Farmer Kieran mopping my brow and fanning my face. 


Then I wake up back in the real world and Missing A is nursing a baby in front of emo comedian and his family. This decision is not surprising in the least, the other guys didn’t get their mugs on telly at all, and the Scot has missed out on a visa. Sad face. 


Throughout the entire series FahmahBen has been referred to as being ‘cheeky’. Despite this, I cannot recall more than one instance in which he has in fact been cheeky. Perhaps a better adjective would have been ‘indecisive’, because that he was. He turns up on the doorstep of Beige 2 having finally made a decision, and if a reaction could be any less understated, I’d like to see it. This girl should be a member of ASIO, or at the very least an undercover cop. Bitch gives NOTHING away. Thankfully, we have the piece to camera in which she tells us she is so excited to see FahmahBen and can’t believe he chose her she’s so happy yada, yada, yada. COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.


Mr Potato Head chose to visit the Carnivore on the city break, they ride a bicycle built for two and it is a lesson for everyone: do not ride a bike with Mr PH next to a river as you’ll likely fall in. Had they fallen in, it would have made for GREAT viewing. I found myself at one point willing the bike to fall over, but my powers of telepathy failed. Not least because the event happened three months ago. 


Prince Charles of course, chooses to visit Donna who appears to be the love of his life. Good on him I say, if you can find someone who will do your washing and still be impressed when you cry and recite poetry, LOCK HER DOWN! They go on a boat and drink champagne it’s all very civilised really. 


The Hot Horseman visits Eyes, surprising her at work. He likes a girl in uniform. If ever there were a reason to become a nurse, this might be it. They go to the beach and not much happens because her heart isn’t fully in it and she will never move to the ranch to be with her cowboy. 


Return to the Hunter Valley if you will, where the farmers all catch up in a wine cellar, talking about their experiences and joking with one another. “So, did ya find love, mate?” is really code for, “So, did ya get a root?”. One by one they go and sit with Nat on the white couch as she grills them about their journeys, asking questions she (and we) clearly knows the answers to, having watched the series from go to woe, and narrated it. Perhaps all the love analogies have rotted her brain. She’s on the attack from the get go, why did you do this, why did you feel that, did you bring anyone with you? 


Yes. Buck brings his sister, Missing A brings the emo comedian, FahmahBen brings Beige 2, Prince Charles brings Princess Donna. As I predicted he would, Mr Potato Head brought the vegetarian, although an article I read yesterday said the relationship lasted only two days after that. Solid. Kieran decided to go stag, a wise decision. Nat wants to jump him, but will have to wait until the cameras stop rolling. 


As they all filter back to everyone with their respective partners there is awkward laughter and a few ‘well done mate’ comments, and Prince Charles tells Princess Donna he loves her. Charming. Then they all dance and, at last, it’s over.


I will leave you with a proposal for a spin off series, entitled, A Farmer’s Woman Scorned. This program would see Nat travel the country to catch up with all of the rejected women, who then plot revenge against the farmer of their affections and his chosen one. Game on, molls! 


Of all these so-called relationships, the only one that has a chance of lasting would be Prince Charles and Princess Donna. And even that is a stretch. I guess time will tell, and should the relationships fail, the love game will go on. Take cover, ladies. 


Some light reading for you: 
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/tv/romance-talk-a-tough-ask-for-stars-of-farmer-wants-a-wife/story-e6frexlr-1226030924763 

Farmers Go A Gambling, March 23

A wise man once said to me, “This show should be called ‘The Farmer Needs A Life’”. Yes, Dad, but if they already had lives the show wouldn’t be half as interesting.


Nat introduces the show and speaks of jackpots and gambling, and I think maybe the farmers get to go to the casino tonight to try their luck on the tables. But, as Nat eventually gets to the point, it seems the only thing our farmers will perhaps be winning is the GAME OF LOVE. 


This week Farmer Melia is shown in a bit more depth, but still the most interesting thing she does is to swill her wine and smile in the opening credits. She puts her men to work fixing a fence while she fondly remembers the comedian that had to leave because his arm was in a sling. Bet she turns up on his doorstep. The Scottish Engineer (read: bore), talks and even though you can’t understand what he’s saying, it roughly translates to, “Dude, I’m just here for a visa!”. 


They go whale watching as a ‘reward’ for fixing the fence, the whales are more interesting than Melia, which is saying something. Then Missing A sets her boys a challenge – to put together a dinner party for her friends. The non-Scotsman actually really likes Missing A, but then in preparation for the party he puts red roses in wine bottles as decorations and cooks the barbecue while Kilt Head mingles with the guests. For someone who appears to be quite uninspiring, Missing A (decked out in a kimono) sure does have a lot of friends. 


There is quite a lot of talk about ‘city singles’ during the program, enough to play a drinking game. I didn’t, but if I had, I would have been unconscious by 8pm. 


Mr Potato Head is still taking advantage of the two extra pairs of hands his girls have, and not in a kinky way, in an, “I’ll get you girls to clean out the trough” way. They have a shit time, and then he whisks the Carnivore away for a day out in downtown Gordon. He takes her on the “scenic route” along the one street in the town, and they end up at the pub where he introduces her to his mates. Seems all the hotties are hanging out in Gordon. Then Mr PH takes Carnivore to look at the dream house he wants to do up which is very stately and picturesque, that’s what we like, a vegetable with vision. 


Then he tells her he can see a future with her, something he’s never said to a girl before (but to plenty of potatoes), and she laughs awkwardly and pretends to feel the same way. At this stage it looks like Vego is out of the race, she isn’t shown at all except for when both girls make him a surprise dinner and blindfold him (again, not in a kinky way) before unveiling the candlelit setting at the dinner table. Who will he choose? Wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up at finale with Sarah Hanson-Young. He’s so random that’s a possibility. 


Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is such a dream for Prince Charles. He thinks he’s found the one in Donna and he takes her for a jaunt down the river in a rowboat. 
They sit on the bank of the river and Charles feels he has to come clean and tells his ladylove he kissed Lucie and that’s the real reason she was frightened off back to the city. 
Not really, but it would make for a more interesting story, as Dopey Donna tells him he’s a wonderful person and he dissolves into tears after saying words like ‘eloquent’ and ‘articulate’ and ‘she gets me’. What a sook. 


It doesn’t end there. If Donna was under any illusion Charles wasn’t a retard in aluminium foil rather than a knight in shining armour, his reciting poetry next to a campfire on their last night of the farm stay should dispel any confusion. 


FahmahBen is more confused than ever. Having now pashed both beige girls, he tells us he doesn’t know what to think because this is such a weird situation. Weird, just weird. You don’t say? He records his video diary in a room that has about 50 encyclopedias in it, dude needs to hook up with the world wide web. Beige 2 is wanting confirmation that their saliva swap was worth the risk, but he tells her he also kissed Beige 1 and doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Beige 1 is one of the most annoying people ever to walk the planet, and is all up in our faces corralling cattle and saying, “Pick me, pick me!”. 


Then she sits in a wheelbarrow for some reason. Shame no one came and wheeled her away. FahmahBen takes both of his beiges to watch a sunset at his favourite spot on the property. He tells the girls, “You can see as far as the eye can see”, which is the case in most situations. None of this helps him make up his mind and he is likely to turn up at the finale with no one. Or both of them. Who would know? Certainly not Cheeke-chahmahFahmahBen.


About this time I’m wondering where the Hot Horseman is, then he appears, on a horse. Gold Coast Orange wants to learn to ride a horse because apparently this is the only thing they haven’t got in common. She must have a longhorn tattoo on her back, too. Eyes has gone home because there is a nurse shortage where she works, what a trouper. She hugs Kieran goodbye as they stand near a foal. Must remember he’s the Hot Horseman after all! She drives off and HH is left alone with Gold Coast. He teaches her to ride a horse and she feels relieved. Her fake tan didn’t rub off against her jodhpurs. They go into town to HH’s fave restaurant, located next to a Beaurepairs and a Holden dealership. C-larsy. 


Gold Coast looks jaundiced, except for her face, and I do not like the way this is going. Gold Coast will never fit in on the farm or in that nice homestead. It deserves a real woman to be taking care of it. All signs are pointing to this union going ahead. Let’s just hope the eyes really do have it. Team Eyes. 


And that brings us to Buck Melanoma. Ah, Buck. Much like Mr Potato Head, Buck is relishing the opportunity of having a couple of pairs of extra hands to share the load. He gets the girls hosing down bananas. It would be too easy to insert a joke here. 


Buck says working around the bananas he started to relax around Emily. Okay, that’s just weird. Then he goes to find Peroxide Barbie sitting in his backyard, and he tells her he has feelings for his sister. They high-five, and PB takes it like a champion and effervesces off back home. Then, Buck and the girl he called placid take a walk to a waterfall where they frolic in the water and kiss and grope each other. Buck thinks the day has been a success. He says by being around Emily he has learnt some of the things she likes (a novel concept) and decides to spoil her with a dinner. 


Again they ‘cheers’, but this time it’s not over a barramundi. Then they suck each other’s faces, and Placid Emily tries to bite off his mole. They end up at the hospital where he has to have several stitches and she has a rabies injection. (This never happened but it would have made for good viewing – producers take note.) 


Nat asks us, ‘Who will get their final night fantasy?’. Did Ben get his threesome? Did Mr Potato Head get a few more troughs cleaned out? Did Charles finally get all his whites washed? Did Melia finally find her missing A? Did Buck set Emily another fruit cooking challenge? Did Kieran finally see Gold Coast without a spray tan? I guess we’ll never know. 


Next week the farmers head to the city and then to catch up with Nat who will bore them with more love metaphors before pretending to be surprised at who they’ve brought with them. All in the GAME OF LOVE. 

Farmers Chance Destiny And Disaster, March 16

Let me preface this review by saying out of the many things in life I hate, cycling and television shows that revolve around cooking are in the top five. 


From Ready, Steady, Cook to Huey’s Cooking Adventures, to Masterchef and My Kitchen Rules, to Out of the Blue and The Cook and the Chef, Po’s Kitchen and the segments on Better Homes and Gardens with the chick who serves up plate after plate of lard and passes it off as food, if I see one of these programs come onto my television screen, I immediately change the channel. 


Imagine my chagrin, then, that last night’s episode of The Farmer Wants A Threesome not only involved cycling (thankfully sans lycra), but also a faux-cooking contest where Buck Melanoma (BM) set his girls a ‘fruit challenge’. 


BM, we are told, “lives and breathes tropical fruit”, which frees up a bit of oxygen for the rest of the world’s population. And I guess while technically I would like to call him an oxygen thief, he’s actually a tropical fruit thief, and is the real reason the price of bananas has skyrocketed recently. Y’all can lay of Yasi now! 


Throughout this whole series, BM has looked as if he’s auditioning for the role of game-show host (if they brought back The Mole, he’d be a shoe-in), and with all the talk of plating up and whatnot we might as well have chucked a cravat on him and hey, Preston! Watch your back! 


In the fruit challenge, his sister kept it simple and made fruit salad, while Peroxide Barbie (PB) made some sort of smoothie along with another concoction, the “plating up” of which BM was so impressed with he decided to take her to the Great Barrier Reef. PB jumped up and down, effervescing as though she were a Berocca just submerged in a glass of water, and off they went. I think this date was mainly a ploy to see if PB would shut up – underwater with oxygen tanks etc makes for a peaceful date. After the swimming etc BM pretty much decides they are just mates (I think, the memory is a little hazy on this one), while PB thinks BM could go either way. Borderline personality disorder will do that. 


Amongst the jargon thrown about tonight is talk of a ‘date with destiny, or a date with disaster?’ Hey Nat, how about a date with some new writers who can come up with a few more love clichés for you to bandy about like there’s no tomorrow? All in the QUEST FOR LOVE, we are told A MILLION TIMES. 


Farmer Melia isn’t shown at all tonight, except to ride a horse with the Scotsman, and to say she can’t wait to get married so she can give her husband a horse. Warning: ALL POTENTIAL SUITORS RUN AWAY NOW! 


Let’s turn our attention to Prince Charles, who is so confused he has spent the night alone, in his room, with only his thoughts. Much like what he has done for the last 30 years. 
After the almost-proposal to Lucie he is wondering – did he make the wrong decision? Yes Charles, you did, but it’s not because you chose the wrong woman. It’s because you chose a woman, full stop. So he takes Donna on a picnic and it turns out to be quite nice, she finishes his sentences and they drink champagne. 


Prince Charles has finally come to a decision, and “the emotions are a bit much,” he says, without any emotion. Donna is the one for him, he tells Lucie, who in her “gracious and generous manner” accepts this and trundles off back to the city, leaving Donna to coax Charles out of the closet and wash his whites on her own. 


Meanwhile, in southern NSW, farmer Kieran is up and at ‘em ready to take his ladies to the Snowy Mountains. 
“Rise and shine,” he says to the girls who are already awake, “pack smart, pack warm and pack small,” he adds. The Snowy Mountains are his “heaven” because he went there with his grandpa and there are horses there. Neigh! “This is the Blue Water Holes,” Kieran says, and the camera films a sign that says “Blue Water Holes”. Congrats mate, you can read. The blonde/orange girl is aiming to spend some alone time with Kieran so she walks into the middle of the creek and clambers up on a rock so her fake tan doesn’t wash off. He follows, and so does Miss Eyes, who falls into the water awkwardly. 


Back at the cabin, blonde/orange decides she is going to win the farmer’s heart through his stomach, aiming to impress him by cooking a barbecue. She thinks she does quite well and I’m sure she did. Is that the only sausage she got to play with that night? I guess we’ll never know. Miss Eyes looks a bit forlorn, wondering why she didn’t think of cooking the barbecue instead. 


Now I’m no caterer, but for three people, I’d be cooking ten sausages – max. We are shown blonde/orange cooking the barbie, and I shit you not, there is about THIRTY sausages on the hotplate. FOR THREE PEOPLE. Were they expecting guests? Perhaps cooking up a bit of a sausage sizzle for all the hungry hermits hiding out in the Snowies? Puh-lease. 


Mr Potato Head has once again put his girls to work, sorting sheep to be taken to market. Naturally, as he’s the most experienced one this type of work, he stands there and watches while the girls flap about in the yards. 
Then, as if giving a school report, he decides that because Miss Vegetarian has done so well at all the other tasks he’s set her, she’s ready to go to market! They get there and it’s obvious she’s not ready, she hyperventilates and walks around saying ‘don’t talk to me’. He doesn’t, and he wouldn’t have anyway. 


They get home from market and the Vego goes for a walk to think about things, she comes back and says her conscience won’t let her continue to be a part of what she saw today so she’s going home. 
(The other girl immediately bursts into tears and on the inside is screaming, “Don’t leave me alone with Mr PH and his psycho laugh! PLEASE! WAAAAAAAAAHHH.”)


Then Mr Potato Head has a talk to Vego and tells her to harden up and deal with it because he wants her to stay. Amazingly, she hears him out and decides to follow his advice. Who knew he had it in him? Best leave her to deal with digging up the ‘taters. 


And that brings us to Osama bin FahmahBen, and his cycling enclave of beige. Both girls seem to be a bit antsy tonight, especially the one he pashed in his header last week. She wants to rule the roost, and is less than happy when FahmahBen chooses Beige 2 to go on a date to his mate’s winery. GREAT plan, get her drunk and see if she has a personality!  


After cycling around Clare, FahmahBen and Beige 2 go to the winery and they chill out on a boat on the lake, where B2 tells him ducks mate for life. He likes that she knows random facts like this, and is excited at the possibility of learning more from her. She’s like a walking, talking, bit of paper of the back of a Libra sanitary napkin. 


Then they share some wine and a meal, and they still don’t say much. B1 is shown back at home having dinner for one. Something I suggest she gets used to. Back at the winery, B2 has loosened up enough to admit she likes FahmahBen, and he sings with joy at this newfound information. Then he goes in for the kiss, and they both seem to enjoy it. FahmahBen likes it because he, “hasn’t had a kiss from anyone in a while.” Um, so what was the action last week then? 


Anyway, the show winds up with FahmahBen and B2 kissing, and Nat asking if they had just tasted the essential ingredient to love? If by “essential ingredient” you mean another person’s saliva, then yes, I think they have. 


Next week: Farmer Melia does something. 

Farmer Survives A Love Drought, March 9

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the team at FWAW for highlighting an issue we’ve heard little about - the love drought. 
Apparently, it’s about to be broken, thanks to the program and a lot of pent up sexual tension. I think we’ve been focusing so much on the ACTUAL drought in Australia that this very important problem has been allowed to fester to such a state that we’ve had to outsource our population regeneration.


So, now that these farmers are finding wives and procreating, it’s time to TURN BACK THE BOATS. We’ve got it covered guys, the farmers are back in the love game and their progeny will carry the nation forward. We won’t need international students, immigrants or asylum seekers to achieve a ‘Big Australia’, this big wide land and the big love from FWAW will be enough for us. 


Tonight we’re told it’s game on or go home, and Mr Potato Head has taken that advice literally and gotten the girls into the sack. 
But, unfortunately for him, it’s a potato sack and they are racing each other in a sack race. 
Mr Potato Head wins the race, and exclaims, “Ring-a-ding-ding, Nick is the king”. 
His girls are like – am I dating my dad here? That little phrase is a terrible joke/attempt at humour. What a sad sack.
Mr PH is given a lot of airtime in this episode, and we are introduced to his sisters who share his creepy laugh. They all laugh creepily in unison and it is creepy times a million. He asks his sisters for advice on how to get a girl. 
“Just be yourself,” they tell him. I think that’s the problem. That, or the fact that Mr PH uses words like ‘romanticest’ and ‘funnest’. 


Another oft-posed question in this episode is this: who will win a farmers heart? Careful which heart you wish for ladies, it might blow up in your face. 


Colonel QadaffahmahBen is given a lot of airtime too, and he starts by taking his girls to the Clare maze (not it’s official name). He runs to the middle and the girls make it a race to find him, with Beige 1 winning narrowly over Beige 2. He’s happy to see Beige 1, who jumps on him and gives him a kiss. Beige 2 runs in second and despite being told to look disappointed her heart clearly isn’t in it. 
As a reward for finding him in the maze, Beige 1 gets to drive Ben’s header (not as dirty as it sounds) and they talk about stuff that isn’t interesting.


As she climbs into the header, FahmahBen gropes Beige 1’s backside. 
“Her bum was in front of me so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to see how it felt.” Smooth.


The girls meet the family, and Beige 1 tries to get in with the sister and mum while Beige 2 sits on a log and looks vacantly into the distance. At this stage, Beige 2 looks like she’s out of the race, but luckily for her the producers have planted a sheep in FahmahBen’s dam which she happens to discover as she goes for a stroll. Her and FahmahBen dive into the dam to ‘rescue’ the sheep, which can clearly walk out of the dam on its own, then they wrestle in the mud and she gains a few points back. 


My favourite realisation (and justification of a nickname) of the night is when we meet Buck Melanoma’s sister, whose name is Candy. For those unfamiliar, the Buck Melanoma is a reference from the movie Uncle Buck, and John Candy plays the title character. See what I did there? WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! 


BM gets his girls to pick fruit and then goes for a run with Peroxide Barbie who seems much too nice for him. The quiet one isn’t shown much at all except for when she’s laughing at Peroxide Barbie falling over amongst the papaw trees. I wonder if BM supplies the Lucas’ Papaw remedies factory?
If so, he’s all over boils, burns, chafing, cuts, cracked skin, gravel rash, splinters, open wounds, insect bites and nappy rash, amongst other things. 


Farmer Kieran is barely shown at all, the weather is bad and a horse might get sick, yada, yada, yada. They clean troughs, he pulls grass seeds out of sheep eyes and his favourite also has eyes and is hands on in helping the sheep. They go for a horse ride to see the farm and sit at his favourite spot and talk about… her eyes. Dude needs more material. 


Farmer Charles came out all guns blazing this episode, but not out of the closet. We only saw one of his girls, Lucie, while the other one walked through long grass in thongs then probably cried herself to sleep. It was all about Lucie, and they sit at Charles’ favourite spot on the farm and talk about love. 


Then, with his very effeminate handwriting, Charles invites Lucie to dinner in downtown Barraba to remind her of the hustle and bustle of the city. He prerecords a message to her, which plays in the local theatre before she walks into a candlelit room where Prince Charles is waiting for her. 
It feels more like a proposal than a first date, so imagine what he will do if he does eventually propose. Just saying, it will probably be a letdown. 


The biggest letdown of the night comes with farmer Melia going to the hospital to resolve last week’s cliffhanger ending. After a boys day at the beach it sounds like one of them has been seriously injured. She gets there to find out her favourite – the non-funny comedian – has dislocated his shoulder. What a soft cock. She feigns looking worried but you can tell she doesn’t really want damaged goods, no matter how (un)funny he may be. 


Then she finds out he has to have surgery and leave, making her decision for her. He reminds her of the gift he gave her when they first met, and I realise he is creepy photo frame guy. She loved the photo frame, so she is bound to love his parting gift, which is… a kiss. Unfortunately he can’t grope her because his arm is in a sling. This leaves the other two, who are digging a trench (insert joke about the battle for love, all’s fair in love and war) to fight for Melia’s attentions. She rewards their physical labour with a beer.


The promos for next week are so boring I can’t remember what’s going to happen, and if this episode is anything to go by it will probably be nothing. But it’s okay guys, because the love drought is breaking! And for that we should all be thankful. 

Farmers Make The Hard Decisions, March 2

The promos for this week’s episode of The Farmer Wants to Crack a Fat indicated many a drama for a lonely farmer, specifically showing those on Farmer Charles’s farm all in a tizzy. 
What could have happened to elicit this sort of reaction the voiceover asks? 
My first thought? Charles has realised this week is Mardi Gras in Sydney and because of the birds he has caged up at his Barraba love nest, he will be unable to attend. Colon parenthesis. (Sad face). 
The promo also showed Farmer Melia getting a phone call and then promptly running across her vineyard. In search of her missing ‘A’ I presume. 


Before all the drama begins, Nat does her usual piece to camera, waxing lyrical about how ‘the sun rises for another day on farms across Australia’. Does it really Nat? Are you sure? Because that seems a bit unusual to me. 


Nat then goes on to say the farmers will be sending one of their guys or gals home today in what will be perhaps ‘the hardest decision of their life’. Yeah, much like putting down a stray cat or shooting rats in the barnyard. 
SPOILER ALERT: Every single farmer survives making this decision, if you want to find out how they did it, read on. 


Farmer Nick (aka Mr Potato Head), we are told, lives in the ‘potato heartland of Victoria’ and has a laugh that is so grating and creepy it belongs to a misunderstood clown.
Mr Potato Head has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that one of his girls is a vegetarian, which is surprising because he himself is a vegetable. He also grows them so it’s not like she wouldn’t have anything to eat if she lived on the farm. Until now, he didn’t really like Vego much because she didn’t eat meat, but by seeing her interact with sheep Potato Head now thinks she’s a bit of alright. And, if eventually she is the chosen one I daresay she would eat his meat, if ya know what I mean. 


The Sarah Hanson-Young lookalike was a frontrunner last week, but faced with the line up of desperados vying for his starchy attentions, Potato Head can’t cope. He goes off to have some ‘alone time’ (he’s been starved of alone time for the last ten years, hasn’t he? A couple of days with three girls and he is a quivering mess) and comes back and kicks SHY to the kerb. His third girl is so unremarkable I can’t even remember what she looks like, which means she’ll probably be the one he ends up with. 


Osama bin FahmahBen and his blonde harem are up to their usual mischief in the Clare Valley, catching yabbies and whatnot. Then it starts to pour with rain so he sits with the single mum in the ute and has a heart to heart with her. I don’t think he understood much of what she was saying due to her lisp, but he nods in agreement and says he enjoys her company anyway. 
Just saying, FahmahBen must have a big kitchen with countertop space to burn, because one scene shows all of his chicks sitting on the kitchen benches eating toast. Good to see the women are where god intended them to be. 
It’s hard to tell what FahmahBen is thinking at the best of times, as usually he is walking around with his nostrils flared and mouth open as if there is a constant bad smell sitting on his top lip. Yes, it’s the smell of being the last of your siblings to marry and procreate, aka failure. 
Apart from the single mum, FahmahBen’s other two ladies are so beige they belong on the walls of a doctor’s waiting room. Therefore, it’s goodbye Lispy, and Beige 1 and Beige 2 get to stay.


Despite having a longhorn tattoo across his back, Farmer Kieran is the pick of the bunch. His house is AWESOME and I want to live in it. He doesn’t have to be there, but if he wants to be that’s fine by me. I also love his antique bed.
One of his girls is purporting to be a model, and she says she loves horses so you would think this would be a match made in heaven, as Kieran is the ‘hot horseman’ after all. He takes her to rescue a foal after it’s mother died. 
Model: “I could really understand how he was feeling because… (pause and break in voice) I had a horse that died too and it was really sad.” 
(It was her sister. Too far?) 
Despite all the horse love, the model is gone… after she embarrasses herself and tells him she’s fallen for him, and then bursts into tears. Kieran tries not to laugh but you can see a smile cross his lips as he watches his other two girls console Horsey. 


On to Buck Melanoma the fruit farmer, who thankfully gets very little airtime this week. He takes one of his girls Claire, she of the horse teeth, to sit next to what looks like a wastewater treatment plant where they talk about how she doesn’t drink coffee. Just imagining these two procreating is a scary thought, combine the top lip mole with the teeth and you get… well I don’t want to know what you get but it ain’t gonna be pretty. If my predictions are correct, he will end up choosing his sister anyway and will have to deal with those birth defects when they crop up. 
Horse teeth is a smart girl, she realises Buck might be a bit of a loose cannon and tells him she’s decided to leave. No spark, she cites, as he halfheartedly asks if there’s anything he can do to change her mind? Plastic surgery would be a good start. 


Farmer Melia drinks wine with one of her boys who is masquerading as a comedian but looks like the least funny person ever to walk the planet. She talks about wine and it is boring, as you can tell by the look on the comedian’s face. There is footage of the Scottish dude going for a run. What a square! 
Then the boys all go to the beach again, without Melia… what is up with these dudes? Is it a bros before hos situation, because that’s kind of NOT THE POINT OF THE SHOW. 
Then she gets a phone call and it’s one of her guys saying he’s at the hospital. “Oh shit!” Melia exclaims, and it’s the most interesting thing she’s said all night. She runs off to find out what happened, and we have to wait until next week to find out if she then rejects the injured one or if one of them has died and she is spared from making ‘the hardest decision of her life’ by eliminating one of them. 


Then there is Farmer Charles, who has so much white laundry about to be hung on the line it is unnatural. Thankfully the women are there to hang it out for him though, heaven forbid a man do a woman’s job! 
He goes for a walk with the young one who is trying too hard to look like a farmer’s wife, and she says she is ready to settle down and build a life…zzzzzzzzzzzz. Then Charles visits the one hanging out the washing who says she is shy and thinks she isn’t good enough for him. Well why did you go on the show then?! They hug and look quite good together, but she needs to man up and let Charles know she’s there for him if he wants to come out to her. 
The other one isn’t shown much at all, so she’s safe. It’s goodbye to the young boring one, and the washerwoman lives another day. Charles is seen in the background sobbing, having broken another hapless girl’s heart, and having died a bit more inside as he continues to live a lie. 


The farmer with the best dog award goes to Mr Potato Head, narrowly over Prince Charles and Longhorn Kieran. Worst dog award to FahmahBen, although all dogs would be candidates for a spin-off show entitled “The Farmer’s Dog Wants a Wife and Litter”.


Until next week when our lonely hearts face more life threatening decisions, like which hat to wear with which checked shirt… ‘

The Farmer Wants A Wife, February 23

Firstly, I don't like how they've changed the theme song. I'm not sure exactly what they've changed it to my memory is tres foggy but I don't care for it either way. 
Secondly, can we get a few more adjectives to describe these farmers? As fun as alliteration is, I think all the 'bush bachelors' and 'country cuties' and 'hot horsemen' could be given a rest for a while. I also hate it when they describe farmers as 'sensitive'. The worst one yet, however, is 'Cheeky charmer farmer Ben'. If you say it really fast, it sounds like the name of a Middle Eastern dictator. ie: Cheek-ee-chahmah Fahmah-ben.


Speaking of Fahmah-ben. He seems to be the most desperate to find a wife, yet he has chosen to hang out with a few blondes on the farm. Not that there's anything wrong with that, blondes do have more fun. But therein lies the problem, the program isn't named "Farmer Wants to Bang a Hot Blonde". He's also a bogan.


Farmer Nick has been hanging out on the farm with no interaction with anyone or thing but his potatoes and it certainly shows. He seems to like the Sarah Hanson-Young lookalike, but Nick, I'll give you the hot tip: telling a girl we "should get you into breeding" may not be the way to put a ring on it. 


Farmer Mark (or as I will refer to him, Buck Melanoma) has that unattractive mole on his top lip. And I must say, BM is one of the most insipid farmers yet to grace the show. He has tickets on himself though, so it's good to see someone likes him, even if it is himself. Then there is Emily, one of his girls who thought a banana leaf was a snake skin. He seems to like her, but I would suggest a DNA test as they could be brother and sister. Also, "cheersing" to a barramundi is a new low. 


Farmer Melia - the poor girl farmers always have to put up with a few creeps and this season is no exception. One of the creeps had the decency not to show, but luckily there was another one a mere three ours away in Perth. I like the location of her farm/winery, but found it a little odd that when they were at the beach, the boys were playing with each other while her and her bikinis were bathing alone. It's almost as bad as it sounds. 


Farmer Kieran had the pleasure of faux-shearing one of his girls, much to her delight. Not. Can you say awkward? I must say I do like Kieran's house, even though he's probably just living there for the show. It is a cute country cottage... suck on that alliteration, Nat! I also enjoyed Kieran's flamingo pink shirt, it takes a real man to wear pink properly and I think he succeeded. 


That brings us to Farmer Charles, who looks like he's loaded but not wanting a wife. Perhaps a husband? And one of the girls he invited back to the farm is a major tryhard and reminds me of someone I don't like but I'm not sure who. I also wonder where the car went when they were crossing the river in the tractor? Was the rescue necessary or just a ploy for Charles to cop a grope? Only time will tell. 


Fun fact: Farmer Charles lives in Barraba NSW, the hometown of my friend's boyfriend. Turns out Charles bought the property from said boyfriend's godfather, and he used to swim in the lake in front of Charles's house as a wee tacker. (The boyfriend that is, not the godfather or Charles). Although new to Barraba, Charles is said to be quite a catch. 


And there you have it folks, another week of trying to find love on the land. Until next week when our lonely hearts turn up in more contrived situations than an episode of The Hills.