What could have happened to elicit this sort of reaction the voiceover asks?
My first thought? Charles has realised this week is Mardi Gras in Sydney and because of the birds he has caged up at his Barraba love nest, he will be unable to attend. Colon parenthesis. (Sad face).
The promo also showed Farmer Melia getting a phone call and then promptly running across her vineyard. In search of her missing ‘A’ I presume.
Before all the drama begins, Nat does her usual piece to camera, waxing lyrical about how ‘the sun rises for another day on farms across Australia’. Does it really Nat? Are you sure? Because that seems a bit unusual to me.
Nat then goes on to say the farmers will be sending one of their guys or gals home today in what will be perhaps ‘the hardest decision of their life’. Yeah, much like putting down a stray cat or shooting rats in the barnyard.
SPOILER ALERT: Every single farmer survives making this decision, if you want to find out how they did it, read on.
Farmer Nick (aka Mr Potato Head), we are told, lives in the ‘potato heartland of Victoria’ and has a laugh that is so grating and creepy it belongs to a misunderstood clown.
Mr Potato Head has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that one of his girls is a vegetarian, which is surprising because he himself is a vegetable. He also grows them so it’s not like she wouldn’t have anything to eat if she lived on the farm. Until now, he didn’t really like Vego much because she didn’t eat meat, but by seeing her interact with sheep Potato Head now thinks she’s a bit of alright. And, if eventually she is the chosen one I daresay she would eat his meat, if ya know what I mean.
The Sarah Hanson-Young lookalike was a frontrunner last week, but faced with the line up of desperados vying for his starchy attentions, Potato Head can’t cope. He goes off to have some ‘alone time’ (he’s been starved of alone time for the last ten years, hasn’t he? A couple of days with three girls and he is a quivering mess) and comes back and kicks SHY to the kerb. His third girl is so unremarkable I can’t even remember what she looks like, which means she’ll probably be the one he ends up with.
Osama bin FahmahBen and his blonde harem are up to their usual mischief in the Clare Valley, catching yabbies and whatnot. Then it starts to pour with rain so he sits with the single mum in the ute and has a heart to heart with her. I don’t think he understood much of what she was saying due to her lisp, but he nods in agreement and says he enjoys her company anyway.
Just saying, FahmahBen must have a big kitchen with countertop space to burn, because one scene shows all of his chicks sitting on the kitchen benches eating toast. Good to see the women are where god intended them to be.
It’s hard to tell what FahmahBen is thinking at the best of times, as usually he is walking around with his nostrils flared and mouth open as if there is a constant bad smell sitting on his top lip. Yes, it’s the smell of being the last of your siblings to marry and procreate, aka failure.
Apart from the single mum, FahmahBen’s other two ladies are so beige they belong on the walls of a doctor’s waiting room. Therefore, it’s goodbye Lispy, and Beige 1 and Beige 2 get to stay.
Despite having a longhorn tattoo across his back, Farmer Kieran is the pick of the bunch. His house is AWESOME and I want to live in it. He doesn’t have to be there, but if he wants to be that’s fine by me. I also love his antique bed.
One of his girls is purporting to be a model, and she says she loves horses so you would think this would be a match made in heaven, as Kieran is the ‘hot horseman’ after all. He takes her to rescue a foal after it’s mother died.
Model: “I could really understand how he was feeling because… (pause and break in voice) I had a horse that died too and it was really sad.”
(It was her sister. Too far?)
Despite all the horse love, the model is gone… after she embarrasses herself and tells him she’s fallen for him, and then bursts into tears. Kieran tries not to laugh but you can see a smile cross his lips as he watches his other two girls console Horsey.
On to Buck Melanoma the fruit farmer, who thankfully gets very little airtime this week. He takes one of his girls Claire, she of the horse teeth, to sit next to what looks like a wastewater treatment plant where they talk about how she doesn’t drink coffee. Just imagining these two procreating is a scary thought, combine the top lip mole with the teeth and you get… well I don’t want to know what you get but it ain’t gonna be pretty. If my predictions are correct, he will end up choosing his sister anyway and will have to deal with those birth defects when they crop up.
Horse teeth is a smart girl, she realises Buck might be a bit of a loose cannon and tells him she’s decided to leave. No spark, she cites, as he halfheartedly asks if there’s anything he can do to change her mind? Plastic surgery would be a good start.
Farmer Melia drinks wine with one of her boys who is masquerading as a comedian but looks like the least funny person ever to walk the planet. She talks about wine and it is boring, as you can tell by the look on the comedian’s face. There is footage of the Scottish dude going for a run. What a square!
Then the boys all go to the beach again, without Melia… what is up with these dudes? Is it a bros before hos situation, because that’s kind of NOT THE POINT OF THE SHOW.
Then she gets a phone call and it’s one of her guys saying he’s at the hospital. “Oh shit!” Melia exclaims, and it’s the most interesting thing she’s said all night. She runs off to find out what happened, and we have to wait until next week to find out if she then rejects the injured one or if one of them has died and she is spared from making ‘the hardest decision of her life’ by eliminating one of them.
Then there is Farmer Charles, who has so much white laundry about to be hung on the line it is unnatural. Thankfully the women are there to hang it out for him though, heaven forbid a man do a woman’s job!
He goes for a walk with the young one who is trying too hard to look like a farmer’s wife, and she says she is ready to settle down and build a life…zzzzzzzzzzzz. Then Charles visits the one hanging out the washing who says she is shy and thinks she isn’t good enough for him. Well why did you go on the show then?! They hug and look quite good together, but she needs to man up and let Charles know she’s there for him if he wants to come out to her.
The other one isn’t shown much at all, so she’s safe. It’s goodbye to the young boring one, and the washerwoman lives another day. Charles is seen in the background sobbing, having broken another hapless girl’s heart, and having died a bit more inside as he continues to live a lie.
The farmer with the best dog award goes to Mr Potato Head, narrowly over Prince Charles and Longhorn Kieran. Worst dog award to FahmahBen, although all dogs would be candidates for a spin-off show entitled “The Farmer’s Dog Wants a Wife and Litter”.
Until next week when our lonely hearts face more life threatening decisions, like which hat to wear with which checked shirt… ‘
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