This program is an important study of human nature, and during the season I have learnt a lot about love and also about life.
For example, did you know ducks mate for life? And that a farmer can be friends with a vegetarian in spite of ingrained prejudices? So many social barriers have crashed to the ground this season, it is simply astounding. My weeks just shan’t be the same without the love stricken farmers gracing my screen, and while my life may in fact improve because of this, I will miss the set up dates and opportunities for topless farmers nonetheless.
Nat once again drones on about the love game and fairytale endings and diet coke and how she is jealous of the girls who get to hook up with the farmers and why can’t it be her finding love on the land? WHY? “Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, my life is so crap I only get to host a show on television and be flown around to cool places to talk to hot farmers. But it all means nothing because I can’t have deep conversations with them about my favourite hair treatment and eyeliner because it would be unprofessional for me to put the ‘ho’ in host.”
Then she introduces the farmers going on their ‘city break’ to visit their chosen one.
Predictably, Buck Melanoma goes to visit his sister aka Emily, and to show the depths of his love for her, he gives her a watch. She looks at it and counts the time until she can escape his evil clutches. They talk about the distance between the tropical fruit farm and Melbourne. Good thing I say. If he snaps and goes mental it will be at least a day before he turns up on your doorstop with a machete wanting blood, giving her enough time to go into witness protection.
Then this chick farmer goes to visit someone… who is she again? She’s been given about five minutes of airtime all season. One thing I must say she’s got going for her, is that Missing A has the looking puzzled/wistful down pat. She’s shown with this expression about fifteen times before she rocks up at the emo comedian’s house. His arm is still in a sling. I’m in so much shock I faint, and awake to Farmer Kieran mopping my brow and fanning my face.
Then I wake up back in the real world and Missing A is nursing a baby in front of emo comedian and his family. This decision is not surprising in the least, the other guys didn’t get their mugs on telly at all, and the Scot has missed out on a visa. Sad face.
Throughout the entire series FahmahBen has been referred to as being ‘cheeky’. Despite this, I cannot recall more than one instance in which he has in fact been cheeky. Perhaps a better adjective would have been ‘indecisive’, because that he was. He turns up on the doorstep of Beige 2 having finally made a decision, and if a reaction could be any less understated, I’d like to see it. This girl should be a member of ASIO, or at the very least an undercover cop. Bitch gives NOTHING away. Thankfully, we have the piece to camera in which she tells us she is so excited to see FahmahBen and can’t believe he chose her she’s so happy yada, yada, yada. COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
Mr Potato Head chose to visit the Carnivore on the city break, they ride a bicycle built for two and it is a lesson for everyone: do not ride a bike with Mr PH next to a river as you’ll likely fall in. Had they fallen in, it would have made for GREAT viewing. I found myself at one point willing the bike to fall over, but my powers of telepathy failed. Not least because the event happened three months ago.
Prince Charles of course, chooses to visit Donna who appears to be the love of his life. Good on him I say, if you can find someone who will do your washing and still be impressed when you cry and recite poetry, LOCK HER DOWN! They go on a boat and drink champagne it’s all very civilised really.
The Hot Horseman visits Eyes, surprising her at work. He likes a girl in uniform. If ever there were a reason to become a nurse, this might be it. They go to the beach and not much happens because her heart isn’t fully in it and she will never move to the ranch to be with her cowboy.
Return to the Hunter Valley if you will, where the farmers all catch up in a wine cellar, talking about their experiences and joking with one another. “So, did ya find love, mate?” is really code for, “So, did ya get a root?”. One by one they go and sit with Nat on the white couch as she grills them about their journeys, asking questions she (and we) clearly knows the answers to, having watched the series from go to woe, and narrated it. Perhaps all the love analogies have rotted her brain. She’s on the attack from the get go, why did you do this, why did you feel that, did you bring anyone with you?
Yes. Buck brings his sister, Missing A brings the emo comedian, FahmahBen brings Beige 2, Prince Charles brings Princess Donna. As I predicted he would, Mr Potato Head brought the vegetarian, although an article I read yesterday said the relationship lasted only two days after that. Solid. Kieran decided to go stag, a wise decision. Nat wants to jump him, but will have to wait until the cameras stop rolling.
As they all filter back to everyone with their respective partners there is awkward laughter and a few ‘well done mate’ comments, and Prince Charles tells Princess Donna he loves her. Charming. Then they all dance and, at last, it’s over.
I will leave you with a proposal for a spin off series, entitled, A Farmer’s Woman Scorned. This program would see Nat travel the country to catch up with all of the rejected women, who then plot revenge against the farmer of their affections and his chosen one. Game on, molls!
Of all these so-called relationships, the only one that has a chance of lasting would be Prince Charles and Princess Donna. And even that is a stretch. I guess time will tell, and should the relationships fail, the love game will go on. Take cover, ladies.
Some light reading for you:
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/tv/romance-talk-a-tough-ask-for-stars-of-farmer-wants-a-wife/story-e6frexlr-1226030924763
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