Farmer Wants A Roll In The Hay - Part 1

Darcy wonders if any woman will ever want to call his oysters home.

As a long-time fan of watching lovelorn, isolated farmers date increasingly desperate women from the city, you would think I'd have been overjoyed at the prospect of back-to-back episodes of the latest series of the Farmer Wants A Shag. But it appears even ‘love’ has its limits, and it was only the thought of letting down my loyal readers that propelled me through the two-hour beige-fest of yester eve. The sun rises on another day on the land, and as we learnt last week, four women are about to arrive on six different farms around this great southern land some of us call ‘Straya’.

Cut to each of the farmers cleaning their respective abodes, for many of these houses it might be the first time a vacuum cleaner has graced their floors this decade. Mr Darcy has his mum helping him, and she not-so-subtly remarks she is looking forward to a grandchild. I hate to break the news that it might take a bit more than a clean floor, this combined with the fact Mr Darcy used the word ‘acquiesce’ correctly in a sentence guarantees he won’t be winning a reality TV show wife worthy of his mighty intellect.

In WA, four bimbos get off a plane to meet Chopper, with one of the girls already visualising being his wife. He shows them to their barracks and the life they have to look forward to living in the middle of nowhere, with the only interesting landmark anywhere in sight being Chopper’s teeth. It surely won’t be long until they’re named the eighth wonder of the world. He takes Amelia on a horse ride and puts an Akubra on her which means basically it’s a done deal. She says living in Sydney is boring, so obviously the Pilbara is the place for her.

Over on Lachie Leonidas’s patch of land, the girls are put to work straight away drafting cattle. They are so desperate that after he asks them to chase some heifers, one girl states she wants to be married to him with two kids. Foreplay, eh? He watches a sunset with Belinda the naturopath who thinks he’s pretty funny. His most impressive trait is that he can lift her onto and off of the back of a ute. That might come in handy. They kiss and think they have a connection.

Cowboy Lance aka The Predator appears to have a bladder problem, which accounts for him running giddily to the car and pouncing on his meat, I mean, women, with gay abandon. One of his women hasn’t shown up for ‘personal reasons’. My insider sources say she’s either dead or has been doing some Googling to find out what Lance is really all about. The Predator makes his remaining girls do some squats and lassoing, and continues to refer to himself in the third person.

Back in South Australia, we meet Mr Darcy’s dog Greg as the girls arrive.  One of the girls brought a treat for Greg but the real treat for Mr Darcy seems to be some creepy vag film work as the girls get into some wetsuits in preparation for doing whatever it is an oyster farmer does. They splash around a little bit and then one of the girls drops the bombshell that she doesn’t like seafood. SEEYA.

On Julz’s farm three girls watch him chop wood, getting all hot and bothered by their private lumberjack show. Then, his favourite girl walks up the driveway and The Lumberjack starts to get hot and bothered as he gives her the tour of his house. His other women get jealous and it’s almost as though they don’t realise they’ve signed up to compete for a man on national television. Lumberjack takes his fave Megan on a date in the haystack where she tells him her lifelong dream is to start a turkey farm. Gobble gobble… coincidentally that’s what happened later in the haystack. The other girls are back at the house are getting jealous, with a crazy blonde girl getting mad that a farmer stole her idea of a date in a hay shed. Get real lady.

Adam the dairy farmer is yet to be allocated a nickname, as he’s basically already been edited out of the show. One of his girls can’t deal with walking through mud so Adam takes them milking in the morning to be covered in cow shit as further punishment. He goes on a picnic with someone and we are told that a blossoming romance could be lost – to smallgoods. Obviously it isn’t, but it’s nice to think chilli salami could play such an integral role in a story of happily ever after. The show ends on a cliff-hanger, with Adam telling his girls to put dinner on hold to go and help a calving cow. If there’s one thing I know for certain, this could be the difference between a life of love, or a life alone. CHOOSE WISELY ADAM. Next episode will also see each farmer ask one girl to leave the farm, as asking more than one to leave wouldn’t make for very good television… or perhaps it would. Either way, bitches be going home.

TO BE CONTINUED