We've made it to June, dear ones. But will we make it past June? Your guiding prophecies are below, the rest is up to you.
Peace and love,
Astra
Aries
Someone releases that video of you smoking crack this month, Aries, which causes momentary panic on your behalf. But, as you barely have the skills to cook two minute noodles let alone be the mayor of Toronto or anywhere else, no one gives a shit. Keep on keeping on.
Taurus
You’re celebrating 60 years on the throne this month Taurus. Might be time to go and see a doctor?
Gemini
Sunscreen has a magical quality, by blocking UV rays it means your skin won’t age as quickly, meaning you look youthful for much longer. It’s a shame you’ll need a lot more help than simply sunscreen, Gemini. Perhaps you should stop smoking so much crack with your Aries mate.
Cancer
Bet you’re wishing you didn’t have so many posters of Amanda Bynes on your wall, Cancer. How does it feel to worship a head case? Not to worry, rest easy knowing you look fabulous in your platinum blonde wig at all of your court dates.
Leo
Trying to smuggle contraband items into a prison wasn’t such a smart idea was it, Leo? I guess you’ll pay for it the hard way, you’ll be very popular on the inside.
Virgo
If you were an aspiring singer with the voice of an angel, and I was a judge on a television talent show, there is no way I, or anyone else, would turn my chair for you Virgo. Bet you wish you weren’t such a bitch in high school now, huh?
Libra
Your life is akin to a plot from a romance novel this month, Libra. But don’t get too excited or aroused. With your level of literacy, you get rather confused with all the synonyms your special friend continues to use for the word ‘penis’.
Scorpio
Someone releases that video of you smoking crack this month, Aries, which causes momentary panic on your behalf. But, as you barely have the skills to cook two minute noodles let alone be the mayor of Toronto or anywhere else, no one gives a shit. Keep on keeping on.
Taurus
You’re celebrating 60 years on the throne this month Taurus. Might be time to go and see a doctor?
Gemini
Sunscreen has a magical quality, by blocking UV rays it means your skin won’t age as quickly, meaning you look youthful for much longer. It’s a shame you’ll need a lot more help than simply sunscreen, Gemini. Perhaps you should stop smoking so much crack with your Aries mate.
Cancer
Bet you’re wishing you didn’t have so many posters of Amanda Bynes on your wall, Cancer. How does it feel to worship a head case? Not to worry, rest easy knowing you look fabulous in your platinum blonde wig at all of your court dates.
Leo
Trying to smuggle contraband items into a prison wasn’t such a smart idea was it, Leo? I guess you’ll pay for it the hard way, you’ll be very popular on the inside.
Virgo
If you were an aspiring singer with the voice of an angel, and I was a judge on a television talent show, there is no way I, or anyone else, would turn my chair for you Virgo. Bet you wish you weren’t such a bitch in high school now, huh?
Libra
Your life is akin to a plot from a romance novel this month, Libra. But don’t get too excited or aroused. With your level of literacy, you get rather confused with all the synonyms your special friend continues to use for the word ‘penis’.
Scorpio
You like
to believe in the good in everybody, Scorpio, but this month you wake up and
smell the roses. And they smell quite nice actually, I don’t know why you didn’t
stop and smell them sooner.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius, what they say is true. Smoking kills. Fortunately for you, someone will probably kill you before smoking does due to you being one of the most obnoxious people on the planet.
Capricorn
Your cool-factor reaches an all new level this month, as you are left to freeze on a glacier. Good luck with rehab!
Aquarius
If you play with fire, you are bound to get burnt. Aquarius, I wish you luck or bid thee farewell.
And Pisces, the fish.
When lightning strikes the sea, Pisces, why don’t all the fish die? Perhaps stick to dry land this month, don’t want to chance it.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius, what they say is true. Smoking kills. Fortunately for you, someone will probably kill you before smoking does due to you being one of the most obnoxious people on the planet.
Capricorn
Your cool-factor reaches an all new level this month, as you are left to freeze on a glacier. Good luck with rehab!
Aquarius
If you play with fire, you are bound to get burnt. Aquarius, I wish you luck or bid thee farewell.
And Pisces, the fish.
When lightning strikes the sea, Pisces, why don’t all the fish die? Perhaps stick to dry land this month, don’t want to chance it.
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