Flood Yeah: Anything Goes

"See that hole in the road? That used to be a bridge, bitches." Mother Nature, 2013

The Trans-Canada highway just outside of Canmore after last week's floods. 

                                     

After being stranded for more than a week, I arrived home, to the Kananaskis Village, today at about 8:30am. I haven't been home for eight days, mainly due to the fact that we got a bit of rain last week which caused some damage. And by 'bit of rain' I mean more than 300mm in about a 24 hour period, and by 'bit of damage' I mean that shit was insane.

While I was fortunate to have been stranded in Canmore, where for the majority of the emergency we had power and running water, those stuck in the village were not so lucky. At about 1:15 this afternoon, the power came back on for the first time in more than a week, at which time screams of joy and excitement could be heard throughout the building. It's the little things in life, ya know? 

Get comfy, because here is what I have learnt during this natural disaster... ANYTHING GOES.

- 'Worst natural disaster in Canadian history' sounds okay, but is it a STATE OF EMERGENCY? Turns out, yes, many states, many emergencies.

- You can wear rain boots with pictures of horses on them, or bejewelled flip flops, and while wearing either be suitably attired for walking through flooded streets.

- Rain jackets for dogs are okay, and really, thank god Canadian Tire still has some in stock. Kudos to whoever ordered that shipment, your timing could not have been more perfect.

         

- The power is out and I can't charge my phone? But how will I get access to everyone's insightful Facebook updates about the floods, because don't you know IT'S STILL RAINING AND I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER?!

- The weather is like, so unpredictable, and I still can't believe this is happening. Like OMG, that hole in the ground totally used to be a road.

- Boiling water for one minute takes so much longer than one minute.

- News channels claiming to have 'extensive flood coverage' are thanking their lucky stars for the invention of smartphones, Twitter, YouTube, the Internet, and the idiots who walk around during a state of emergency filming shit floating down a river. Citizen journalism at its finest.

- 'Extensive flood coverage' is code for 'here's the only ten minutes of flood news we have  (most of which you already know) repeated every ten minutes until we get a picture of a man swimming after his cat'.

- People start following politicians on Twitter for a reason other than to see if they'll say 'fuck' or compare another politician to an animal or something equally as mature.

- After days of not showering, people's natural scents (because let's face it, we've all got them, I like to think mine is lemons) are really just offensive and unpleasant.

 

-You know just how resilient a community is when it is faced with having to bounce back from adversity. Luckily, Albertans are a tough bunch and they'll all pitch in and get things done until all the communities affected are back on their feet. It could take weeks, or even months, before everything is fully functioning again, but we'll get there, come hell or high water.

- I am now an expert at wearing the same clothes and underwear for days on end. I don't need to go home, like, ever.

- There's a road leading in but there ain't one out. You're staying put for a while longer, darlin'. 

                

- Bellinis are the best for soothing the apocalyptic blues.

- It's totally manly to SWIM AFTER A CAT. 

  

Tune

It doesn't get much better than Patty Griffin.
 

The Real Life

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” 

“Real isn't how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. 

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.” 

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” 

“It doesn't happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

- Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit 

It's Written In The Stars - June 2013

We've made it to June, dear ones. But will we make it past June? Your guiding prophecies are below, the rest is up to you.

 

Peace and love,

 

Astra

 

Aries
Someone releases that video of you smoking crack this month, Aries, which causes momentary panic on your behalf. But, as you barely have the skills to cook two minute noodles let alone be the mayor of Toronto or anywhere else, no one gives a shit. Keep on keeping on.

Taurus
You’re celebrating 60 years on the throne this month Taurus. Might be time to go and see a doctor?

Gemini
Sunscreen has a magical quality, by blocking UV rays it means your skin won’t age as quickly, meaning you look youthful for much longer. It’s a shame you’ll need a lot more help than simply sunscreen, Gemini. Perhaps you should stop smoking so much crack with your Aries mate.  

Cancer
Bet you’re wishing you didn’t have so many posters of Amanda Bynes on your wall, Cancer. How does it feel to worship a head case? Not to worry, rest easy knowing you look fabulous in your platinum blonde wig at all of your court dates.

Leo
Trying to smuggle contraband items into a prison wasn’t such a smart idea was it, Leo? I guess you’ll pay for it the hard way, you’ll be very popular on the inside.

Virgo
If you were an aspiring singer with the voice of an angel, and I was a judge on a television talent show, there is no way I, or anyone else, would turn my chair for you Virgo. Bet you wish you weren’t such a bitch in high school now, huh?

Libra
Your life is akin to a plot from a romance novel this month, Libra. But don’t get too excited or aroused. With your level of literacy, you get rather confused with all the synonyms your special friend continues to use for the word ‘penis’.

Scorpio

You like to believe in the good in everybody, Scorpio, but this month you wake up and smell the roses. And they smell quite nice actually, I don’t know why you didn’t stop and smell them sooner.

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, what they say is true. Smoking kills. Fortunately for you, someone will probably kill you before smoking does due to you being one of the most obnoxious people on the planet.

Capricorn
Your cool-factor reaches an all new level this month, as you are left to freeze on a glacier. Good luck with rehab!

Aquarius
If you play with fire, you are bound to get burnt. Aquarius, I wish you luck or bid thee farewell.

And Pisces, the fish.
When lightning strikes the sea, Pisces, why don’t all the fish die? Perhaps stick to dry land this month, don’t want to chance it.