Hello dear readers, Astra here. I've spent a lot of time and effort on this month's predictions, and I pride myself on my sometimes-stunning accuracy. However, any one of these astrological insights could be applicable to you. If you're not happy with your sign, please read another until you find something that resonates. I'm bound to hit something on the head eventually. If nothing resonates, then clearly you are not taking this precise scientific process seriously, and I'd ask you to please refrain from coming round these parts again.
Yours astrologically, Astra. xoxo
Aries
All of your sushi boats come in this month, Aries, which is unfortunate because you hate sushi and Japanese food in general. Channel some of the disappointment into educating yourself about different cultures and cuisines and try again next year.
Taurus
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived someone with the same name as you. He or she lived a peaceful life, spending their days in the fields watching cloud formations and picking sunflowers. Then one day, your namesake died of consumption. Beware history doesn't repeat itself, Taurus.
Gemini
While in Vegas you go and see Cirque du Soleil's latest show. This inspires you to embark on a career as a clown. The good news is, you've already got the credentials. Keep on being yourself Gemini.
Cancer
You can breathe easy now Queen Elizabeth II is out of hospital and on the mend from her attack of gastroenteritis. You'd been holding your breath so long your blood was turning blue. It's safe to say your favourite monarch would have been spending a lot of time on the throne that week.
Leo
You hear Kanye West wants to name his child 'North' and wonder why you continue to live on this earth. North West. Leo, you can only hope North ends up with siblings with names like 'South By South', 'East 2' and John. The first three will form a rap crew and John will be a fisherman.
Virgo
The good news,Virgo, is you have more money in your bank account than the entire country of Cypress. Unfortunately, that $2.96 still won't get you anywhere.
Libra
You didn't win an Oscar this awards season Libra, but I can tell you this month you will win big. The biggest lot of nothing you've ever seen. At least you're used to it.
Scorpio
You adopt a dog from a shelter this month, and feel great about yourself for giving a poor, defenseless abandoned creature a home and all the love and attention it needs. Be sure to remember your kids once in a while, too, Scorpio.
Sagittarius
You become addicted to watching 'My Strange Addiction' and eventually get featured in the show itself for having an addiction to 'My Strange Addiction'. The world stops as it gets caught in this vortex of reality as reality. We really can't cope with much more, Sagittarius.
Capricorn
Have you ever stopped to wonder what your life might be like if you were popular, rich and successful? As you stand in line for government handouts, don't dwell on it too long. You'll be in that line a while longer yet.
Aquarius
You take a trip to Ikea for lunch. While you are there, a researcher sits down with you to ask why on earth, out of all the places you could choose to go to lunch, you chose to go to Ikea. Now is the time to admit you got confused when your friend asked you if you wanted some Swedish meatballs.
And Pisces, the fish.
Rather than spending your waking hours scouring Pinterest for the latest in hair braiding, go outside and get some vitamin D. I'd much rather look at someone with a healthy glow and messy hair than someone perfectly presented with the pallor of a vampire.
No comments:
Post a Comment