On new year’s eve, after watching some fireworks and having drinks with friends, I came home and tumbled into bed at about 3am. My room mate was working until about 4am, so when the door opened and someone entered my room at about that time, I naturally assumed it was her arriving home from work.
But then when she arrived home at 6am and screamed (and not just at the filth piled up in her room) I knew something must be up.
“What’s wrong?” I mumbled in my half-asleep state.
“There are two naked people in my room, one is on the floor and one is in my bed,” she shrieked.
She then started yelling at these two in their birthday suits to ‘get the fuck out’ of her room. As they were in no state to be dressed, let alone spoken to, they didn’t even stir to respond to such a polite request. So my room mate left and returned two hours later to try again.
In between time, the naked girl on the floor had gotten up, left the room (leaving the door open in the process) dressed only in a sheet and started wandering the hallways. I got up to close the door, which remained shut for a couple of minutes before Miss Nude wandered back in, turned the light on, dropped the sheet, turned the light off and, completely starkers, walked back to her position on the floor.
When my room mate returned, this time the guy in her bed was told to ‘fuck off’ because she had to work in a few hours and needed sleep. “Oh, okay. Fair enough,” was his response. More than fair I would have thought, seeing as you have made yourself at home in someone else’s bed and we don’t even know who you are. So it was one down, one to go. Eventually the girl got up, dressed in my room mates clothes and left our room.
If this is how the year started, I wondered what would be in store for the remainder and majority of 2013? So, for your benefit and mine, I’ve called in some help from my good friend Astra Nomical, and she has delved deep into the cosmos to bring you some guidance and perhaps even comfort in what lies ahead.
Aries
This is your year, Aries, and it’s about time too. Having been one of Delta Goodrem’s back-up singers for a decade, you are in desperate need for a new chapter in your story. You will audition for The Voice, though this year Delta doesn’t recognise your dulcet tones and Ricky Martin turns his chair (but that’s all) for you instead. “Where the fuck is Keith Urban?” you exclaim, before realising if you were Keith Urban, you would have left amateur hour to be a judge on American Idol too.
Taurus
I have some bad news. It was you Taylor Swift was talking about, and you are never, ever, ever, getting back together. The good news is you are now president of the Taylor Swift ‘Past Lovers Who’ve Had A Song Written About Them’ club, so you’re not likely to be lonely this year. Enjoy making new friends!
Gemini
Love is in the stars for you this year, Gemini. Your cell mate will be excited indeed.
Cancer
You will reach the pinnacle of your career this year when you become CeeLo Green’s stylist. You’ll also be hospitalised for several drug overdoses once you realise crystal meth is the answer to, “Why is he wearing THAT? And what’s with the cat and the bird?”.
Leo
Your goal in life was to become a bogan, and I can say with great confidence you have made it with flying colours. Sit back and relax, get a Southern Cross tattoo and organise a boys trip to Bali. You deserve it!
Virgo
With so much turmoil and hurt in our world these days, it is comforting to know Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to be parents to what will probably be a human child. To ensure they will still have enough time to look at themselves in the mirror, you apply to be their nanny. To be successful, you must change your name so it starts with a K.
Libra
All of your ships come in this year, Libra. But, as they are loaded with illegally-imported cocaine, the Federal Police will be waiting to arrest you at the docks. You win some, you lose some.
Scorpio
“I’m sorry, we’re having trouble processing your request. Please try again later.” This is the last time you’ll read this message as you decide to shun the modern world and go back to communicating with a pen, paper and a couple of tin cans. That will show them, Scorpio.
Sagittarius
You ask Pitbull why he always refers to himself as ‘Mr Worldwide’ as you take a picture of yourself with a Kodak in Times Square. Then you think to yourself, where do you even get a film developed these days?
Capricorn
Unfortunately for you, Capricorn, you will be forced to abandon plans for a record-breaking jump from space once you realise Felix Baumgartner did it successfully last year. Unfortunately for us, it means we are stuck with you here on earth for another year without the chance of something going horribly wrong and you free-falling to your death.
Aquarius
If last year’s announcement of a Royal Foetus was enough to have you celebrating, this year’s impending Royal Birth will see you suffering an elite level of Monarchism. But, dear, Aquarius, drinking copious amounts of gin and ‘rescuing’ a corgi from what you believe to be an abusive owner does not make you the Queen of England. It makes you an alcoholic and a thief.
And Pisces, the fish.
Life’s good for a Pisces, and 2013 will be no exception. I’m positive you will win the lottery, marry the love of your life and find a cure for cancer. Just be careful, no one likes an over-achiever.
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