Thus far, the series has been as bland as a sachet of instant porridge, meaning nicknames for our farmers have been hard to come by. I will do my best to remedy this by satisfying my own desire to make shit up for the purposes of entertainment. I could totally be a producer of this television show.
First up is Farmer Frank, and while Nat is prone to describing him as ‘red hot’, I prefer to think of him as ‘the male Samantha Stosur’. Frank Stosur gets his ladies to sort cattle, and with his monotone drone he is getting the ladies excited. He rides a quad bike and the girls are getting even hotter. Settle girls, real men ride two-wheelers. Amazingly, the girls aren’t bored to death on the farm, and as Farmer Stosur hoses one of his girls down the other horses look on with jealousy, and say there is no connection between the big F and the one he is hosing down. He takes another one of his girls to his favourite spot on the farm – I’m assuming it’s at the end of that long driveway he is rumoured to have. She gives him a harmonica and he attempts to play it but you know he wants to blow something else. They share an uncomfortably long kiss and by the time it is over we’ve had time to run down to the end of that long driveway, meet the mailman and run back again.
Poetry Tim is banging on in verse again, and thinks his girls might have something in common. Yeah, they’re all blonde and want their 15 minutes by visiting a farmer for a week and having the experience filmed. He takes them to meet his dad Gus, who wants a girl to give the Poet some responsibility and some debt. Good man, Gus. Angela is asked to describe PT and she manages to come up with ‘great’ and ‘awesome’. That dictionary she got for Christmas has come in handy, then. She says it is really easy to chat to PT one on one. Well if he is ‘great’ and ‘awesome’, why wouldn’t it be? The Polish girl is the one the Poet fancies the most, and at this news she says she is excited, but to look at her you would think she’d just learned someone had killed her grandma.
Farmer Trent – nickname to be determined – takes someone blonde to catch some chickens, a task made all the easier by the fact that they are already locked inside the chook shed. It’s a bit like trying to find a Port Power supporter with an entire set of teeth. Pointless. He then takes a nurse on a picnic, and she grills him as if he’s the leader of the free world and Osama bin Laden has just been assassinated. Does he want kids? Will he ever move or does he want to stay on the farm? Did he wet the bed as a child? What’s the hardest part about being a triplet? Getting a bit of peace and quiet I’d say, you’re not helping Nursey. She wants to be with someone who can make her laugh. Good luck finding someone who can get a word in I say.
Farmer Kev is a dead ringer for Jason Bateman and will now be referred to as Farmer Bluth. (For those of you playing along at home, google Arrested Development and Jason Bateman.) He goes fishing with Fiona who doesn’t like Farmer Bluth’s beanie but wears ridiculous head gear herself. They like each other which is nice and kind of the point of the show. Meanwhile Jaundice is feeling left out and doesn’t feel like FB is really ‘seeing’ her. But wait until night falls, she’ll be glowing in the dark and he will be drawn to her like a moth to a flame. FB digs a hole and Jaundice asks if they can talk after Fishy Fiona gave her a pep talk. They go for a roll in the hay and Jaundice asks him if there is any money in this farming business? Not so much, FB says, but there’s always money in the banana stand!
Big Bad Boring Will plays rugby and his girls watch him. Funbags brown noses with his mum again, but she likes Gum Boots better anyway. Meanwhile, the tiny blonde one starts crying because she forgot to take her medication. And because she knows that one wrong move in the sack with Will and she’ll be a goner. It is alleged this farmer was a professional rugby player. It is alleged that I am Kim Clijsters on the tennis court. You be the judge.
That brings us to Old Cheddar, who takes his dogs for a walk. His kelpies go too. They separate calves and this is a chance for his girls to shine. That Bitch Belinda is his favourite, therefore we know she is going to pull the pin. But not until she meets his sons who look almost as old as he is, and they give her the seal of approval. There is also a rather dodgy looking cheesecake doing the rounds. As Old Ched is about to saddle up and go for a romantic ride with Belinda, she tells him she misses her daughters and has decided to leave the farm. As if the man hasn’t had his heart ripped out enough after the death of his beloved, now this tart has up and left because she has been on the farm for two days and can’t cut the umbilical cord. But good on her too, because the chicks Old Ched is left with seem real nice. As long as they stop making cheesecakes.
Next time: someone rides a motorbike and someone is described as a bush bachelor as the sun rises for another day on the land.
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