As a reward for making it through another episode of Winners & Losers without fatally harming myself, I decided to give Dinner Date, with token pieces to camera from everybody’s favourite French dancing chef Manu Feildel, a crack. As it turns out, I wish I hadn’t made it through W&L.
We are introduced to AJ, an extremely talented individual who can drive a truck, talk on the radio, coach junior football, bet on horses at the track and dress himself. Amazingly, AJ hasn’t found anyone to love who also loves him back and has decided going to three complete strangers’ houses for dinner is the answer to finding true love, or as he calls it ‘a chicky babe’. AJ is looking for a ‘fine filly’ to put under his arm, and given his short stature this is a challenge that will be insurmountable unless the girl in question is 12 years old or suffering from dwarfism.
From five random menus he narrows his suitors to three. Unfortunately for us he does not choose correctly and we will never get to see him entertained by a fire twirler who was quite possibly his soul mate. First he goes to Nicki’s house, she is an ‘entertainer’ who has promised him an exotic surprise after their three-course dinner.
She welcomes him into her ‘pillow palace’, which is accentuated by her leopard print frock, and tells him to sit on the gold cushion on the floor. As she cooks haloumi hearts, Nicki, a Kardashian-gone-wrong, confides she used to be a cheerleader for the Roosters. “I don’t tell many people that,” she says. Except for everyone she meets and everyone currently watching the show. What a massive secret, glad she keeps that one in the vault. “Massive TV,” AJ says, wondering when they will get to the aforementioned exotic surprise. Not before eating cous cous and strawberries soaking in balsamic vinegar. From the look on AJ’s face, it tasted as bad as it sounds. He lights up when Nicki comes out and does a belly dance for him. He’s so excited he mimes doing the motorboat in her ‘pillow palace’. The verdict is no spark, and as she is a heightist AJ is too short to cater to her lofty ideals anyway.
Before the next date, Manu describes AJ as a ‘rough diamond’. If by ‘rough’ he means ‘uncouth bogan’ and by ‘diamond’ he means a ‘seven-mil screening’ Manu is on the money. Next on the menu is country girl Michelle who goes back to her farm to collect produce and slaughter the lamb she is about to cook. “If it’s not perfect, I’m not going to worry,” she says about the dinner. Having seen AJ in action, I’d say that is a wise move. She gets tarted up and there is a good vibe happening until she says, “He’s a bit short.” Two from two. Entrée is garlic prawns, which I’m sure she procured from her farm too, prawns are big business on the land. They discover they both hate nightclubs and all I can say is BOOK THE WEDDING VENUE! AJ then licks his knife and scrapes the plate with his filthy index finger and Michelle is still charmed. Although clearly too good for him, lock her down AJ! Finding someone who still finds you attractive although you are displaying traits of our prehistoric monkey ancestors is a massive coup.
It’s on to Erin the florist who is decorating a Hills Hoist in an effort to be hard-core Aussie. They proceed to sit inside for the entire evening, mainly hanging out in the kitchen where the microwave clock tells us it’s past 11pm when they start eating their entrée. This might have a little to do with the fact that Erin had her food cooking in the oven for an hour before realising the oven wasn’t actually turned on. Call me what you will, but COOKING ONE-OH-ONE: TURN APPLIANCES ON. Her dessert is lamingtons, as we are told ‘nothing says romance like lamingtons’. AJ is not satisfied with drinking wine as he waits for his meal, and when Erin leaves the room he devises a cunning plot to get her to offer him a beer. Having checked her fridge without her knowledge, he sees she has beer in there and wants to get his hands on one. He drops subtle hints such as ‘I really like beer’ and ‘Can I have a beer’ to finally have his wish fulfilled and a cold one in his hand. They eat oysters and there is talk of aphrodisiacs. To want to sleep with AJ, I’m guessing most women would need a truck load of oysters, copious amounts of alcohol and perhaps even a roofie* to make it bearable. Onto the main which is kangaroo. “It tastes like poo” AJ says. He has such a way with words, doesn’t he? The blonde florist then does a creepy Russian accent and serves up her lamingtons, which turn out to be an overcooked cake covered with chocolate icing in a bowl. She forgot to buy coconut for the lammos, and again I say COOKING ONE-OH-ONE: READ THE RECIPE AND BUY ALL INGREDIENTS NECESSARY. She then attempts to redeem herself by giving him a bunch of flowers and suggests he put them in a nice vase. If AJ owns a nice vase I will eat my hat. Erin thinks he’s a nice, down-to-earth guy. Yes, because he’s a midget.
As a reward for suffering through an evening with AJ, one of the girls will be chosen to try it a second time. They all pack and pretend they hope it will be them. He chooses the worst cook, Erin, and whisks her away to the Daintree. Maybe she can cook him some more dishes that taste like poo and have ingredients missing. They pretend to have a nice time for the cameras, before we are told Erin is still looking for love but has sworn off blind dates. AJ is yet to find a girlfriend. Knock me over with a feather.
*Do not try this at home.
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