What better way is there to spend part of a Tuesday evening than watching the last ten minutes of a freak show masquerading as a talent show on one of our commercial television networks? I hear you saying, ‘Surely there could be nothing better?’ But friends and foes let me assure you there is. Watching the final ten minutes (which turns out to be more like 15 minutes, as the program runs overtime because of hosts and judges blathering on about themselves as if they had any sort of career* and comparing it to what the contestants will themselves one day be experiencing.**) of Australia’s Got Talent on mute.
I chose to watch only the final ten minutes as anyone who is able to watch the entire program, with sound and without the assistance of hallucinogenic drugs, is clearly made of stronger mettle than I. What follows is what I saw, matched with dialogue I imagined.
First there is the overproduced introduction package for an act that appears to be two dickheads setting themselves on fire. The host introduces them with too much enthusiasm and large hand gestures to make up for size he lacks elsewhere. The act follows, and it is two dickheads setting themselves on fire in between jumping into wheelie bins and climbing ladders. Throughout the performance Kyle looks less unimpressed by Jackass Lite™, but it could be that too much plastic surgery has rendered his face expressionless. He says, “You guys are mental, but can I hire you for the next freaky party I throw with elephants and shit?” Wait, that was his wedding.
The Leprechaun judge holds his head in his hands while The Other Minogue giggles like a schoolgirl and you can tell she has a thing for the bad boys. Meanwhile, Jackass Lite™, are chewing gum in sync and with such vigour perhaps that should have been their act. It certainly takes more talent than sticking your hand in a mousetrap. Which, I might add, ANYONE could do, but rather than it being seen as a talent, most people, if seen willingly proffering a mitt to be attacked by a mousetrap, would promptly be labeled insane and carted off to the asylum.
There’s an ad break, and the titles of AGT has more sparks going off than a Guy Fawkes celebration. Grant says, “Welcome back to AGT, where we dispel any notion that Australia does in fact have talent.” Up next is a young man who resembles the Paddle Pop Lion (PPL). His intro package shows baby photos and I imagine there’s a hard luck story to go with it. You can tell who the producers want to go further in the competition. Has this guy also been on Australian Idol? He looks familiar, but that’s part of the beauty of the mute button, it keeps the intrigue alive. The most interesting part of this performance is the Oz Lotto numbers popping up. The PPL does that crouchy-riff-jam thing with one of the other guitarists to prove that he is for real, y’all.
I can see this guy’s luxurious mane being pimped by Clairol Herbal Essences in the near future. The PPL does his best to look earnest throughout his performance and the judges appear to be buying what he’s selling.
The Other Minogue: “Who is your hairdresser? I must get her number…”
Kyle: “Not if I beat you to it, I want long, gorgeous locks too!”
Leprechaun: “Something, something, shamrock, potatoes.”
Then, after a few more minutes dissecting the evenings proceedings voting numbers are shown and the little host gives a big wave goodbye. It was only 15 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. And from what I saw, the only thing I think this country has got is a lot of issues. And not in a good way.
*If the judges did have any sort of authentic career, I doubt they would be appearing on AGT.
**Lord help us if the world comes full circle and in 20 years time contestants from a television talent show become judges on a television talent show.***
***Wait a minute, it’s already happened! Guy Sebastian was a judge on X Factor, and he only won Australian Idol 10 years ago. I am surprised the world hasn’t yet imploded.
Disclaimer: If someone asked me to be a judge on AGT, I would probably do it. But only because I would need the money having spent my life’s savings on a rehab program to kick my addiction to watching questionable reality television.
No comments:
Post a Comment