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| Happy New Year, Beliebers. |
Hello my children, and apologies
for my being in absentia since last holiday season. I trust the year of 2014
has been wondrous, with the universe releasing the abundance it holds for you,
showering you in joy and prosperity. Will 2015 be a continuation of this good
fortune, I hear you wondering? I have spent countless minutes researching each
of your charts and interpreting them accordingly to provide you with the most
accurate of insights as to what the coming year will bring. Take on board that
which resonates, and leave the rest at your peril.
Yours in astrology and chocolate cake,
Astra
Aries
It’s time to get out your selfie
stick and take a long, hard look at yourself Aries. Do you really think
becoming a Geoffrey Edelsten impersonator is going to be lucrative business?
There must be better ways to use your corpse-like appearance to make money. How
about a job in a haunted house?
Taurus
I’d like to tell you things were
looking promising for you in 2015, Taurus, but I would be lying. You spend the
next year much as you’ve spent your whole life, as a hypochondriac wasting
tax-payer dollars. At one point you will think you’ve caught the Ebola virus,
when in fact what the doctor said was to eat more ‘granola’. Time to
visit the hearing clinic.
Gemini
How do you feel about Justin Bieber?
That’s how your friends feel about you, Gemini. There are two things you could
do if you wanted to remedy this – get new friends, or stop being a wanker.
Cancer
You’ve often been known to
misunderstand the social zeitgeist Cancer, and you haven’t improved with age.
Be aware that although you have just undergone surgery for a hip replacement,
this doesn’t make you a hipster. Rest assured you continue to be socially
inept.
Leo
Leo, Leo, Leo. Another year goes
by and I can tell although you put on a brave face you are struggling with an
existential crisis. Who am I? What does it mean? Only you can answer that
question, so why are you wasting my precious time?
Virgo
For the last time, Virgo, ‘upskirting’
is not a viable profession. You’ve had trouble with the law in the past, but
that’s nothing on what’s coming if you don’t change your ways. To be on the
safe side, I suggest a self-imposed house arrest while watching copious amounts
of Dr. Phil to scare you straight.
Libra
I’d like to introduce you to the
idea of playing the victim this year Libra. You already do this in your
personal life (which you seem to be unaware of), but will get the opportunity to
do it professionally when you are cast as a murder victim in the latest
reincarnation of NCIS: Hackham West. Chookas!
Scorpio
Sometimes you wonder what it
would be like to have it all, Scorpio. You’ll continue to wonder throughout
2015 and for the majority of the next decade. Might as well get comfortable, I hear
casks of goon are a steal this time of year.
Sagittarius
You’ve got it all going on,
Sagittarius. You just scored the trifecta of safe Christmas gifts, and now have
this year’s seasonal offerings from Michael Buble, Human Nature and Susan Boyle
on high rotation in your multi-disc CD player.
Capricorn
You’ve got a big year coming up
Capricorn, which includes being labelled as Australia’s biggest douchebag.
Congratulations on being named Channel Ten’s next Bachelor!
Aquarius
Marriage is on your mind,
Aquarius, and the minds of your parents and friends. Honestly, at this point
they would be happy for you to find a nice man or woman in need of a visa to
seal the deal. Consider it, for everyone’s sake.
And Pisces, the fish.
Have you heard the saying, “To
catch a fish, think like a fish”? Well, you have now and you would be wise to give
it some thought. Especially as you’ll find yourself stranded in the ocean at
some point with no one to ask for help. If you manage to make it to the island,
and that’s a big ‘if’, the aforementioned phrase could pay dividends.