People often say to me, Astra, where do you find your inspiration? The answer is simple, I say. The human race is a mystery, as complex and profound as a One Direction song. I am an observer of life, a watcher of the watched, a connection between the known and the unknown. Channeling the energy of the cosmos is my gift, and it would be unfair for me to keep that from you. Therefore and hereafter I bequeath to you, mere mortal, your monthly reading.
Aries
You have finally worked out who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop. You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes.
Taurus
Life is like a campfire in a blizzard for you this month, Taurus. There might be some singing and dancing, but it’s fucking cold and, basically, fairly shit.
Gemini
Your decision to immerse yourself in French culture will soon be something you regret. It should be fairly self-explanatory as to why, Gemini. But if I have to spell it out for you, it sounds a bit like Elmo on steroids.
Cancer
If only more people celebrated life the way you did, Cancer. The world would be filled with Nickelback tribute bands and even more anti-depressants, if that’s at all possible.
Leo
I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt here Leo, but it’s obvious to everyone. It was you on that episode of Embarrassing Bodies. Hahahahahahaha!
Virgo
We interrupt this broadcast for a community service announcement that has nothing to do with you. Just a usual month then Virgo.
Libra
Your life is like a teabag rocket, Libra. Empty out the contents, set the bag on fire and what do you have? A few seconds of burning heat and, in the end, a whole lot of nothing. Tell you what, perpetuate the illusion of your depth by resisting playing with fire this month. We will all be better off.
Scorpio
Aries
You have finally worked out who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop. You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes.
Taurus
Life is like a campfire in a blizzard for you this month, Taurus. There might be some singing and dancing, but it’s fucking cold and, basically, fairly shit.
Gemini
Your decision to immerse yourself in French culture will soon be something you regret. It should be fairly self-explanatory as to why, Gemini. But if I have to spell it out for you, it sounds a bit like Elmo on steroids.
Cancer
If only more people celebrated life the way you did, Cancer. The world would be filled with Nickelback tribute bands and even more anti-depressants, if that’s at all possible.
Leo
I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt here Leo, but it’s obvious to everyone. It was you on that episode of Embarrassing Bodies. Hahahahahahaha!
Virgo
We interrupt this broadcast for a community service announcement that has nothing to do with you. Just a usual month then Virgo.
Libra
Your life is like a teabag rocket, Libra. Empty out the contents, set the bag on fire and what do you have? A few seconds of burning heat and, in the end, a whole lot of nothing. Tell you what, perpetuate the illusion of your depth by resisting playing with fire this month. We will all be better off.
Scorpio
The dog you adopted last month is not reacting well to being named Mark. Seriously, Scorpio, if you had any imagination at all the Guinness Book of World Records would turn up to document the occasion.
Sagittarius
It’s official, you are addicted to Instagram and think you are an amazing photographer. It’s only when you start booking photoshoots and your subjects expect more than a shitty filter effect for their $500 that you realise perhaps this photography lark is harder than it first appears.
Sagittarius
It’s official, you are addicted to Instagram and think you are an amazing photographer. It’s only when you start booking photoshoots and your subjects expect more than a shitty filter effect for their $500 that you realise perhaps this photography lark is harder than it first appears.
Capricorn
Congrats Capricorn, you have a new job and are in the mood to party. Be careful though, remember what happened last time you celebrated a new job? Yeah, you turned up to work hungover and vomited on your new boss. History does not need to be repeated in this case.
Aquarius
Now Black Caviar has retired, you feel better about eating the meatballs at Ikea. With her track record, they’re now a delicacy and people are queuing up to get a taste.
And Pisces, the fish.
You get into a war with someone in the YouTube comments of a Psy video. Yes, Korea has been responsible for some horrors, but it’s no place to get into a heated debate. Why not start an angst-ridden Facebook page instead?
Astra, it's like you are holding up a mirror to my life. Thank you.
ReplyDelete- Gemini in Crisis.
Patience, dear G.I.C. Once May passes things are looking up for you. Mainly because you have a neck injury and can't look down, but looking up all the same.
ReplyDelete