It's Written In The Stars - February 2013

What does February have in store for you, dear reader? Only the stars know for certain, and who knows the stars better than Astra Nomical? Her latest insights below. 

Aries

You sit on a park bench and ask yourself, is it pronounced Feb-ROO-ary or Feb-U-ary? The more you say it both ways, it starts to sound weird. Concerned onlookers phone the police to let them know someone has escaped from a nearby asylum.

Taurus

It’s DVD night Taurus, and you decide to indulge and watch one of the greatest actors of our time, Matthew McConaughey. You marvel at the man’s versatility as an actor. I mean, how did he adjust playing such diverse roles in Fool’s Gold, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days and Failure To Launch? It pays not to think too much about it, Taurus. Be sure to watch Magic Mike, but prepare to have your mind blown.

Gemini

You learn Whitney Houston’s mother has penned a tell-all memoir about the troubled drug addict and singer, leading you to ponder what your mother would write in a tell-all memoir about you. Then you realise a book outlining days spent watching cat videos on YouTube is not the stuff a best-seller is made of. Might be time to get a life, Gemini.

Cancer

Did Justin Bieber fondle a fans breast, Cancer? As a wannabe entertainment reporter and avid Belieber I’d expect you to know. I’d also appreciate it if you could investigate the One Direction up-skirting rumours and whether or not any horses were harmed during research for Psy’s Gangnam Style music video.

Leo

You come clean about using drugs during your time as a cyclist in the late nineties and early noughties. The difference between you and Lance Armstrong is that no one gives a shit, because you were only riding your bike to and from the local deli to buy snacks to satisfy your weed-induced food cravings. No interview with Oprah for you.

Virgo

This month you will discover the God you will worship for the rest of your days, and he will be in the form of Grumpy Cat. That cat has got it going on, and together you will lead an internet revolution.

Libra

So Beyonce lip syncs. That you can deal with. But to think Taylor Swift may use auto-tune from time to time? Well that’s a preposterous thought, is it not? This is your wakeup call Libra, not everything is as it seems, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look fabulous. You might just have to make a few million dollars to afford all the plastic surgery you need.

Scorpio

You channel the honey badger and decide you don’t give a shit. About anything. So, business as usual, Scorpio.

Sagittarius

Yes, the Mall’s Balls are being moved. No, this is not your cue to call emergency services to accuse the Adelaide City Council of being sex offenders. Get your balls out and move them in protest, maybe then things will be left as they’re meant to be, and you’ll finally be put behind bars where you belong.

Capricorn

You’re grieving this month Capricorn, not only for your fading youth but also for your faux girlfriend who has just died of Leukemia. Thankfully, you have your promising football career to fall back on during this time of need.

Aquarius

Stop using the internet to generate pictures of what the royal baby might look like. It won’t end well.

And Pisces, the fish

As all good fish know, it’s important to clean out the fish tank on a regular basis. In your case, dear Pisces, this is not a metaphor. You actually need to stop living in an aquarium amongst your own faeces and get a real job. 

Rodents As Roommates

Recently I have acquired another roommate. Let me introduce you to Roscoe, the squirrel.

He comes to visit on a regular basis and likes to trawl through the filth my human roommate leaves on the floor of her room. It is a veritable trash and treasure for rodents, with garbage, dirty clothes and empty pizza boxes to go through.

Most of the time he doesn't intrude, he simply gnaws on whatever it is he finds and is then off out the window again. My roommate wants to catch him and keep him as a pet, which shouldn't be surprising giver her track record.

I often wonder what my life would be like with only Roscoe as a room mate. Here are a few things I've come up with…

• Roscoe the squirrel won’t come home crying in the early hours of the morning because someone called him a bitch.
• Roscoe is, as far as I can tell, a lot more hygienic than many humans I know. He’d pitch in with household chores by eating crumbs and whatever is left lying around.
• Roscoe won’t leave bags of garbage in the kitchen for three months before taking them out.
• As a tiny creature from the wilderness, Roscoe would have little use for a fridge and even less of a chance of actually opening one. This would mean more space for me, and zero chance of a tray of turkey being left in the fridge from Thanksgiving – a holiday that was also several months ago.
• Roscoe’s short rodent fur would not clog the drain pipes.
• There would be little to no noise coming from Roscoe, give him a milk crate to chew and he’ll be more than content. A much nicer prospect than having to listen to Nickelback and Nicki Minaj whenever the mood strikes my human roommate.

Sadly, I think I'm stuck with the human for a while longer. But, a girl can dream. 

2013: The Year Of Surprises

On new year’s eve, after watching some fireworks and having drinks with friends, I came home and tumbled into bed at about 3am. My room mate was working until about 4am, so when the door opened and someone entered my room at about that time, I naturally assumed it was her arriving home from work. 

But then when she arrived home at 6am and screamed (and not just at the filth piled up in her room) I knew something must be up. 

“What’s wrong?” I mumbled in my half-asleep state.

“There are two naked people in my room, one is on the floor and one is in my bed,” she shrieked.

She then started yelling at these two in their birthday suits to ‘get the fuck out’ of her room. As they were in no state to be dressed, let alone spoken to, they didn’t even stir to respond to such a polite request. So my room mate left and returned two hours later to try again. 

In between time, the naked girl on the floor had gotten up, left the room (leaving the door open in the process) dressed only in a sheet and started wandering the hallways. I got up to close the door, which remained shut for a couple of minutes before Miss Nude wandered back in, turned the light on, dropped the sheet, turned the light off and, completely starkers, walked back to her position on the floor. 

When my room mate returned, this time the guy in her bed was told to ‘fuck off’ because she had to work in a few hours and needed sleep. “Oh, okay. Fair enough,” was his response. More than fair I would have thought, seeing as you have made yourself at home in someone else’s bed and we don’t even know who you are. So it was one down, one to go. Eventually the girl got up, dressed in my room mates clothes and left our room. 

If this is how the year started, I wondered what would be in store for the remainder and majority of 2013? So, for your benefit and mine, I’ve called in some help from my good friend Astra Nomical, and she has delved deep into the cosmos to bring you some guidance and perhaps even comfort in what lies ahead. 

Aries

This is your year, Aries, and it’s about time too. Having been one of Delta Goodrem’s back-up singers for a decade, you are in desperate need for a new chapter in your story. You will audition for The Voice, though this year Delta doesn’t recognise your dulcet tones and Ricky Martin turns his chair (but that’s all) for you instead. “Where the fuck is Keith Urban?” you exclaim, before realising if you were Keith Urban, you would have left amateur hour to be a judge on American Idol too. 

Taurus

I have some bad news. It was you Taylor Swift was talking about, and you are never, ever, ever, getting back together. The good news is you are now president of the Taylor Swift ‘Past Lovers Who’ve Had A Song Written About Them’ club, so you’re not likely to be lonely this year. Enjoy making new friends!

Gemini

Love is in the stars for you this year, Gemini. Your cell mate will be excited indeed. 

Cancer

You will reach the pinnacle of your career this year when you become CeeLo Green’s stylist. You’ll also be hospitalised for several drug overdoses once you realise crystal meth is the answer to, “Why is he wearing THAT? And what’s with the cat and the bird?”. 

Leo

Your goal in life was to become a bogan, and I can say with great confidence you have made it with flying colours. Sit back and relax, get a Southern Cross tattoo and organise a boys trip to Bali. You deserve it!

Virgo

With so much turmoil and hurt in our world these days, it is comforting to know Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to be parents to what will probably be a human child. To ensure they will still have enough time to look at themselves in the mirror, you apply to be their nanny. To be successful, you must change your name so it starts with a K. 

Libra

All of your ships come in this year, Libra. But, as they are loaded with illegally-imported cocaine, the Federal Police will be waiting to arrest you at the docks. You win some, you lose some. 

Scorpio

“I’m sorry, we’re having trouble processing your request. Please try again later.” This is the last time you’ll read this message as you decide to shun the modern world and go back to communicating with a pen, paper and a couple of tin cans. That will show them, Scorpio. 

Sagittarius

You ask Pitbull why he always refers to himself as ‘Mr Worldwide’ as you take a picture of yourself with a Kodak in Times Square. Then you think to yourself, where do you even get a film developed these days? 

Capricorn

Unfortunately for you, Capricorn, you will be forced to abandon plans for a record-breaking jump from space once you realise Felix Baumgartner did it successfully last year. Unfortunately for us, it means we are stuck with you here on earth for another year without the chance of something going horribly wrong and you free-falling to your death. 

Aquarius

If last year’s announcement of a Royal Foetus was enough to have you celebrating, this year’s impending Royal Birth will see you suffering an elite level of  Monarchism. But, dear, Aquarius, drinking copious amounts of gin and ‘rescuing’ a corgi from what you believe to be an abusive owner does not make you the Queen of England.  It makes you an alcoholic and a thief. 

And Pisces, the fish.

Life’s good for a Pisces, and 2013 will be no exception. I’m positive you will win the lottery, marry the love of your life and find a cure for cancer. Just be careful, no one likes an over-achiever.