Down On The Farm: A Reprise

Channel 9 is rushing through the latest series of the Farmer Wants A Shag faster than they axed Ben Elton Live From Planet Earth. It’s being shown two nights a week, and in the second episode there is already kissing and groping and butterflies in tummies. Usually they break us in gently to this kind of shit, but already we’ve had a staged mud fight, one of the girls has met one of the guys’ mother, and there has been a ‘date’ on a haystack. Why the rush? My only thought is that they’ve run out of adjectives and alliteration to describe the farmers, aka ‘bush bachelors’ and need to get things over with quick smart.

This season’s farmers are an attractive bunch, but personalities are taking a while to muster any inspiration from this audience. Nat tells us that in this game “there can only be one winner, and that’s love.” Good to see they’ve updated the script. Carefree farmer Tim from Murrayville has chosen three blondes to visit his farm. That’s what I like about this show, originality. He cooks his girls a meal the colour of calf shit, which is so spicy the girls are forced to only eat rice.  FWAW – teaching life skills like how to survive in a third world country. He and one of his bland blondes go for a roll in the hay and talk about how interesting they aren’t. From this, he is able to deduct that Jaclyn might be attracted to him. Stop the presses.

Big farmer Will, who likes to dance and get advice from his mum about everything from which girl to date to wiping his backside, is shown preparing his (mum’s) house for the arrival of his girls. He puts out fruit and thinks about putting out carrot sticks. He’s either expecting a stampede of equines or Santa Claus. Consequently, the horsey looking one with the fun bags turns up early to get a jump-start on securing Big Will’s affections. The other two eventually turn up and are dark that Fun Bags is playing by her own rules. Never mind, because the one wearing gum boots gets to go on a date with him to sort cattle. Big Will thinks they have chemistry, but unless it’s of the brotherly/sisterly love variety I beg to differ.

Old Cheddar John is only getting better with age, and since his wife died he hasn’t participated in the game of love. Because finding love should be done with the intrusion of cameras and the nation watching your every move, he feels comfortable that now is the right time to get back in the game. His women arrive to a flooded river, which they must cross one by one with Old Cheddar on his tractor. “Nothing but the force of nature can keep them apart,” Nat muses. Thank god for nature I say. Cheddar cuts his finger while slicing carrots to a thickness that would be perfect if you’re wanting to choke to death, and then gets his ladies to brush his horses’ tails, which is as wrong as it sounds. He takes his favourite Botox Belinda for a horse ride and they bond and kiss, although I think that’s only so he can try and find her top lip. Botox Bel says she is looking for someone who can give her what she gives them. Didn’t know ear aches were so popular.

We don’t see much of Farmer Frank, he of the bright green shirt and slow drawl. But what we do see is a tyre changing competition, with the winner securing a dinner date with the Big F. A brunette wins, and the blondes cook them dinner while secretly wanting to poison their competition by undercooking the chicken. Salmonella is so sexy right now. One of the blondes sits in a paddock with the Big F as she cries about how everyone she knows always ends up dead. Watch out Frank! You’re next! He hugs her to console her then they pash without him realizing her saliva is potentially fatal to mankind.

Farmer Trent is supposedly ‘adorable’, and he has made each of his girls (all blonde and all wearing black jeans and a grey top – does this farmer have a type?) a gift box for when they arrive. Inside are candles, a teddy bear, nail polish and a card, which reads, “Surprise! I’m this season’s Farmer Charles!” Each of the girls has brought with her a substantial suitcase of belongings, but they can’t put anything away because Trent is already in the closet. The four of them go to fix a leaking trough that doesn’t leak, but that is surrounded by mud. Everyone gets involved and the Kiwi loves it. Trent then hoses them down like the cattle they are. He goes on a date with Fush ‘n’ Chups who tells him she is looking for love. Well cut my legs off and call me shorty! Imagine someone going on a show called the Farmer Wants A Wife and being so arrogant as to be looking for love. Lucky Trent has plenty of sheep.

That leaves us with Farmer Kev who is excited to be shacking up with three women for a week. He is impressed with what one of his women has cooked for dinner, but as she looks jaundiced I’d be approaching that meal with caution. He puts out hay with the Kate Middleton wannabe and they talk about liking each other etc. It’s all rather bland. Kev says he always dreamed of marrying a brunette so Kate Middleton Lite could be his gal. There is something to be said for someone who sets an achievable goal. Forget world peace and ending wars and famine, if Kev was a contestant in a beauty pageant his simple ideal would surely win hearts the world over.

Next time: someone is shocked and someone might have found love and someone will hang out with someone who is blonde.

Come To Dinner

As a reward for making it through another episode of Winners & Losers without fatally harming myself, I decided to give Dinner Date, with token pieces to camera from everybody’s favourite French dancing chef Manu Feildel, a crack. As it turns out, I wish I hadn’t made it through W&L.

We are introduced to AJ, an extremely talented individual who can drive a truck, talk on the radio, coach junior football, bet on horses at the track and dress himself. Amazingly, AJ hasn’t found anyone to love who also loves him back and has decided going to three complete strangers’ houses for dinner is the answer to finding true love, or as he calls it ‘a chicky babe’. AJ is looking for a ‘fine filly’ to put under his arm, and given his short stature this is a challenge that will be insurmountable unless the girl in question is 12 years old or suffering from dwarfism.

From five random menus he narrows his suitors to three. Unfortunately for us he does not choose correctly and we will never get to see him entertained by a fire twirler who was quite possibly his soul mate. First he goes to Nicki’s house, she is an ‘entertainer’ who has promised him an exotic surprise after their three-course dinner.

She welcomes him into her ‘pillow palace’, which is accentuated by her leopard print frock, and tells him to sit on the gold cushion on the floor. As she cooks haloumi hearts, Nicki, a Kardashian-gone-wrong, confides she used to be a cheerleader for the Roosters. “I don’t tell many people that,” she says. Except for everyone she meets and everyone currently watching the show. What a massive secret, glad she keeps that one in the vault. “Massive TV,” AJ says, wondering when they will get to the aforementioned exotic surprise. Not before eating cous cous and strawberries soaking in balsamic vinegar. From the look on AJ’s face, it tasted as bad as it sounds. He lights up when Nicki comes out and does a belly dance for him. He’s so excited he mimes doing the motorboat in her ‘pillow palace’. The verdict is no spark, and as she is a heightist AJ is too short to cater to her lofty ideals anyway.

Before the next date, Manu describes AJ as a ‘rough diamond’. If by ‘rough’ he means ‘uncouth bogan’ and by ‘diamond’ he means a ‘seven-mil screening’ Manu is on the money. Next on the menu is country girl Michelle who goes back to her farm to collect produce and slaughter the lamb she is about to cook. “If it’s not perfect, I’m not going to worry,” she says about the dinner. Having seen AJ in action, I’d say that is a wise move. She gets tarted up and there is a good vibe happening until she says, “He’s a bit short.” Two from two. Entrée is garlic prawns, which I’m sure she procured from her farm too, prawns are big business on the land. They discover they both hate nightclubs and all I can say is BOOK THE WEDDING VENUE! AJ then licks his knife and scrapes the plate with his filthy index finger and Michelle is still charmed. Although clearly too good for him, lock her down AJ! Finding someone who still finds you attractive although you are displaying traits of our prehistoric monkey ancestors is a massive coup.

It’s on to Erin the florist who is decorating a Hills Hoist in an effort to be hard-core Aussie. They proceed to sit inside for the entire evening, mainly hanging out in the kitchen where the microwave clock tells us it’s past 11pm when they start eating their entrée. This might have a little to do with the fact that Erin had her food cooking in the oven for an hour before realising the oven wasn’t actually turned on. Call me what you will, but COOKING ONE-OH-ONE: TURN APPLIANCES ON. Her dessert is lamingtons, as we are told ‘nothing says romance like lamingtons’. AJ is not satisfied with drinking wine as he waits for his meal, and when Erin leaves the room he devises a cunning plot to get her to offer him a beer. Having checked her fridge without her knowledge, he sees she has beer in there and wants to get his hands on one. He drops subtle hints such as ‘I really like beer’ and ‘Can I have a beer’ to finally have his wish fulfilled and a cold one in his hand. They eat oysters and there is talk of aphrodisiacs. To want to sleep with AJ, I’m guessing most women would need a truck load of oysters, copious amounts of alcohol and perhaps even a roofie* to make it bearable. Onto the main which is kangaroo. “It tastes like poo” AJ says. He has such a way with words, doesn’t he? The blonde florist then does a creepy Russian accent and serves up her lamingtons, which turn out to be an overcooked cake covered with chocolate icing in a bowl. She forgot to buy coconut for the lammos, and again I say COOKING ONE-OH-ONE: READ THE RECIPE AND BUY ALL INGREDIENTS NECESSARY. She then attempts to redeem herself by giving him a bunch of flowers and suggests he put them in a nice vase. If AJ owns a nice vase I will eat my hat. Erin thinks he’s a nice, down-to-earth guy. Yes, because he’s a midget.

As a reward for suffering through an evening with AJ, one of the girls will be chosen to try it a second time. They all pack and pretend they hope it will be them. He chooses the worst cook, Erin, and whisks her away to the Daintree. Maybe she can cook him some more dishes that taste like poo and have ingredients missing. They pretend to have a nice time for the cameras, before we are told Erin is still looking for love but has sworn off blind dates. AJ is yet to find a girlfriend. Knock me over with a feather.

*Do not try this at home.